Our Journey to Parenthood

The End... New Begining

2012-01-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

My last post mentioned that I was going to go private; however, I have decided in the last week that I will be bringing this blog to an end. The reason I will be ending this blog is because the purpose of our blog has also ended. Our journey was a long emotional journey and our blog was there to help us get through the hard times. It gave me a place to release my anger, pain and emotions, as well as, a place to share my joys with you. I may begin a new blog about our life with Isabella, but at this time i'm just enjoying every minute with her and find the time with her so precious that there isn't much time to write a new blog. That being said as our life becomes more routine and I get used to it, I may find a new purpose for a blog; should that happen, I will let you know the new blog address.

I would like to thank you all for your continued support throughout the years. Without all of you reading and supporting our journey, finding the strenght to keep going would have been much harder. You all mean alot to me and I will continue to follow your stories as your journeys keep moving along.

Goodbye everyone!!

(Going Private) New Year New Adventures

2012-01-01T14:35:00.001-08:00

What a great end to the best year of my life. Although 2011 began on a sour note it quickly took a turn for the better and became the best year. Isabella has graced us with such pleasure. She makes us smile and laugh everyday. Parenthood is definitely alot of work but it's such fufilling work. No money in the world could make us as happy as we are with her.
We had a great first Christmas and New Years as new parents, and look forward to the many adventures the year 2012 has to offer. I am finding it quite dificult to find the time to update our blog but will try harder in 2012, even if they are mostly pictures of our adventures as a family. That being said the more pictures, the more privacy needed. I will making my blog a private blog starting January 10th. If you would like to still follow our adventures, please provide me with your email address and i'll send you an invite. This will aslo determine if we will keep the blog going.
We hope you all had a wonderful Holiday Season and wish you all the best in the year to come. Here are some pics of our little one.

Skating with Mom, Memere and Pepere

Christmas Day

Big Smile

Helping Mom bake for Christmas

Just Chillin'

Christmas Card Photo Shoot

Have a great 2012 everyone. Thank you all for your continued support.

Finally celebrating my birthday as a mom

2011-10-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday, and finally i'll be celebrating as a mommy with my daughter and husband by my side. I've been waiting for this day for a long time and tonight I got to celebrate with Bella, Chris, my parents, my sister and niece. It was a great dinner and nice to have everyone around on this special day. Here are some pics of the day.

All ready to party

Hanging out with Pepere and Memere (my parents)

With Matante Renee (my sister)

Bella and Mommy

Bella with Mommy and her cake

Izzy and Daddy

All tired out after and exciting night

Isabella's First Photo Shoot

2011-10-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

This photo album customized with Smilebox

Our First Month

2011-10-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

has been absolutely amazing. We have been getting to know each other more and more everyday and learning so much. Who knew it was a complete learning experience on a daily basis.
Not much time to write as baby Bella is waking up but here is a Smile Box to keep you all going for now.

Stay tuned for the photo shoot pictures.

This photo album generated with Smilebox

Speechless

2011-09-22T13:14:00.001-07:00

What a feeling....

2011-09-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

it is to be someone's mother. To have someone rely on you to nurish, guide and protect. Someone so innocent looking at you to love and hold. I was warned before the baby arrived that I would be a complete zombie for the first 6 weeks, that I wouldn't know what I was doing from one day to the next, that my life would be like a robot of feeding and changing diapers, but it hasn't been like that at all. Since Isabella has arrived I have been living on an hour or two of sleep here and there but my body has adjusted nicely. I have great days of feeling awake, and alert, and when I do feel tired, I wait for her to nap and I go nap. I then wake up a new women. It's amazing how fast your body can adjust to such a large change. I thank god, I have Chris around to take care of the cooking and shopping for me. He has been amazing. Unfortunately, he is going back to work tonight for a few days, but I feel confident that we will be ok. I would love to have him home with us for the next year, but I understand it can't be done and will be strong about it, to make it easier for him.
Don't get me wrong, Isabella does have her moments where we are working to please her for an hour or so, but none of it isn't worth it. Those little silly looks she makes when she wakes up, or when she calms down always make us laugh. She has brought so much joy into our lives already and it's only been 9 days. I can't imagine what it will be like in the coming months. So to finish off, our update is that we are adjusting well and she is amazing. Here's a little sneak peak of our princess.

Our Journey comes to an End

2011-09-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

Our little miracle finally arrived on September 5th 2011, at 3:24 am, 7lbs 4.9oz, 19 3/4cm bringing our long journey to parenthood to an end. We are now officially parents and could not be more in love. I cannot begin to describe how much we love her and would definitely go through all the pain and heartache again if I knew the ending was such a special little girl.

Mommy and baby are doing great and daddy is adjusting quite well and taking his role as daddy quite seriously. He is a big help and loves his little girl very much.

Here is a look at our first few days with Baby Isabella Donna Fournier. If you are anything like me I would grab the tissue box.

This free slideshow generated with Smilebox

Thank you all for your continued support throughout our journeys and years of rollercoaster emotions. I can still hardly believe that we were blessed with such a miracle and appreciate every single moment I have with her, even on only a few hours sleep. I have never been so happy and am looking forward to all the little adventures to come.

I would lastly like to thank our daughter, Isabella for joining our family and finally making us feel complete. We love you so much litte one. xoxo

Maternity Photo Shoot

2011-08-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, my friend and I went out to a beautiful area, here in Kamloops, and we did a maternity photo shoot. She was able to capture our little miracle in a way we were not able to and in a way that will be cherished for the rest of our lives. Thank you so much Sherry for taking the time to do this for us. We are so thankful and grateful. xo

Here are a few of the pictures.

Getting Closer

2011-08-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

Everyday is another day closer to meeting and holding our little princess. I have felt many emotions in the last few days, from being sad that the pregnancy is almost over, as I LOVE being pregnant, to excited to meet Isabella and make sure she is ok, to scared of the labour and birth part.
I know i'm not the first women to go through it and definitly won't be the last but it's the first time I go through it and I have no idea what to expect. It's the fear of the unknown that is getting me. Will I make it to the hospital in time? Will I be able to deal with the pain? Will it last forever? How much will it hurt? Will I do it right? Will my little girl be okay at the end of her adventurous journey? All these questions go through my mind everyday; however, the joy of knowing she will soon be hear to hold and cuddle and feed and teach and guide through this crazy world she is about to enter is over powering the fears. I'm always imagining what/who she will look like? What kind of personality she will have? I'm so anxious to know, but i'm already not wanting her to grow up too fast.
I have been feeling great with only a few aches and pains on a daily basis but nothing I can't handle, just normal part of the journey. Izzy is settling in quite nicely with her head down where it belongs for her to make her grand entrance. I'm officially not allowed to be alone for long periods of time anymore, as we are too close to the finish line but that's ok, I like the company.
I have been off work for 2 weeks now and loving every minute of it. I've been getting some much needed organizing done and alot of relaxing. My daily afternoon nap has been great and I think Isabella is enjoying that as well. She is moving around during the day, doing alot of flip flopping from side to side and hiccups here and there but not much kicking. I don't feel any pain from her at wish which i'm greatful for.
Well i'm guessing the next post may be the one, the one that will introduce you all to our little one. YAY.!!! Still can't believe this is happening.

9th Month

2011-08-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

We are still digesting that we are pregnant, let alone 9 MONTHS pregnant. Mommy and baby are feeling great. A few aches and pains but nothing we can't handle. My last day of work was July 28th 2011. I felt quite alot of pain in my pelvic area that morning and came home after an hour of being at work and hardly being able to walk. I'm guessing it was the baby dropping but i'm not 100%, I have a Dr's appointment tomorrow and i'll know more. My work suggested I go on sick leave to assure the safety of our baby and I agreed. The last week had been a hard one going into work. So I'm starting my mat leave 2 weeks earlier than I originally planned but I have been enjoying my time since. I've been able to take a much needed nap in the afternoons and I have been focusing on baby, which is the most important part.
We are now in the month of August, the month our little princess is due to make her grand appearance. Are we ready? Wow, what a question. Physically we have everything and more of what we need for her arrival home. Emotionally it's exciting, scary, emotional, all mixed into one big smiling moment. We have no idea what to expect once she arrives and we are ok with that. We can only go one day at a time. I have never been so worried about anything else in my life, but I'm thinking that is just the mommy in me. I worry about everything. I look around my house completely different, hazards everywhere. As a couple Chris and I have been together for over 10 yrs with dogs to keep us company, we are definitely ready for the next step; however, are fully aware that it won't be easy. We feel our love and support for one another will overcome. We have been through so much to be blessed as we are, it will surely make us stronger in the end.
The countdown has begun, and I keep imagining the day, how will it happen? Where will I be when labour begins? Will it be day time or night time? Will it all be okay? Will Chris be with me or at work? Will my family be around? Will I be able to handle the pain? Will I be able to handle the joy? Will our princess be okay?
So many questions that will soon have answers. We are sooooo excited. I still can't believe we WILL be parents within the next 5 weeks.... Yahoooooo!!!

Baby Shower

2011-07-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

On July 16th 2011, my sister and brother in law hosted our baby shower. It was such a great day with many friends and family. Looking back at the pictures I realized just how happy and glowing I am. Something I never thought I would get to enjoy and here I am living a dream.
We had a BBQ with men, women and children included. It was a casual day with good food and good company. I would like to send a special thank you to all who helped us celebrate and a BIG THANK YOU to Renee and Pat for hosting such a great day. It meant to world to us.
Here are some pics of our special day ( i'm having issues uploading so this is all you get sorry)

Baby Nursery transformation complete

2011-07-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, we used to have a beautiful nursery ready for a little boy. Well, when we found out our little miracle was to be a girl, we decided to start over and make is special for her. Here is the finished product, and I can now reveal that her name will be Isabella Donna Fournier. Her middle name is the name of Chris' late mother, she watches over us everyday and i'm sure will watch over and protect little Isabella when she arrives. We sure wish she was here to meet her but she will always be with her and us in spirit.

This free slideshow design personalized with Smilebox

8 Months!!

2011-07-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

Here is my 8th month update picture. In the last week I have become quite round. Some of maternity shirts no longer cover the full belly and as you can see above, some of the long t-shirts I used to wear are also getting too short. Thank god for maternity pants to cover the gap.

Baby girl has been sleeping alot more lately and only wakes up a few times a day to say hello. Usually around 10 am, 3pm, 7pm and 3am. She seems to be on a little routine already.

We have been feeling great. On our last Dr's visit we were right on track where we should be, my uterus was at 30cm and I was 30 weeks, which I was told is how it should be. I have been maintain a good weight gain of 1/2 lb to 1 lb a week and it seems to only be in the belly, which i'm not complaining about.

I am still in shock on most days, although I feel her and know it's real, I still can't believe I'm the one that is pregnant. I'm not looking at someone else who is pregnant and dreaming, i'm the one. I catch my reflection in the mirror and just smile. I think if it wasn't for the growing bump and the occasional kicks I would still be in denial.

I worry everyday that she will be taken away from us, but I realize that is just old wounds coming to the surface and we will all be ok. I figure God wouldn't give us such a beautiful gift just to take it away.

We are almost done with the nursery, we are just waiting for the bedding to finish it and post the pictures. I have alot of the items on my registry so we still have a few weeks to go to see if we receive the items and then we will be complete.

This weekend I took some more baby items out and her swing and toy box are out in the living room and I also packed her hospital bag. I'm almost in need of a full size suitcase for her. I know I won't need that much and I will thin it down but it got me thinking to packing for a vacation in the future, we will need a bus just for her items. :)

Anyways, that's it for this weeks update. We have a Dr's appointment this Thursday and I look forward to hearing her little heart again.

Daddy and Mommy and Baby First Picture

2011-07-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

Congrats to the Lebold Family

2011-06-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Congrat Steph and family. It's been such a long and painful process to get to point where you are finally booking your flight to go pick up your little girl. I'm so happy to have been around to share this wonderful experience with you and can't wait to see you home, all toghether as it should be and should have been a long time ago.
Safe travels. xo

Congrats to Tammy Sidney Josina and Sophie!!

2011-06-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

Tammy is a friend I met through adoption. She has been going through this process since before I started the adoption process so very long ago. She never gave up hope and has finally received the green light to go get her precious daughter. I am so happy for her and her family, they so deserve this great news.

Have a safe and wonderful trip, i'm looking forward to seeing the whole family together, the way it should be.
xo

30 Weeks

2011-06-22T05:54:00.000-07:00

We are growing stronger and stronger every day. Feeling her inside me is the best feeling I have ever felt. Every morning I wake up and wait for my morning nudge. Once she gives me the "good morning Mom" nudge, my day can start on a good note. She has begun moving and nudging...ok kicking me in a much stronger way but I wouldn't change a thing. It makes me feel confident that she is doing well.

At our last prenatal visit she kept kicking the doppler, it was so cute. She is not liking pressure on my belly and let's me know. If I'm holding Ziggy she kicks him or if Chris is cuddling she kicks him as well... attitude already. I love it.

We have 10 weeks to go now before our little one comes out to greet us, and i'm nervous about things I would never have thought of before, like when to apply creams to her bottom, how often to feed her, will I be able to breastfeed, will I be okay with her. I always said I was "ready" when it came to the adoption, but I know realize I was only ready physically, mentally there is alot more to worry about, and since this gets more real everyday, I find myself up in the middle of the night looking up on the internet "when to apply cream to babies bottom" silly I know. But you know what... I love it. I love that i'm having the chance to worry about these things. That it's real and that I will be a mommy in a few months and have to deal with all of it. I love that she is here and I thank god everyday for our miracle.

Happy First Father's Day

2011-06-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

Happy First Father's Day to my wonderful husband. In a few months our little girl will be here to greet you and show you in person how much she loves you, but I can tell you know she is going to be the luckiest little girl in the world to have you as her daddy. Everyday I am more proud to have you as my husband and I can't wait to be proud to have you be the father to our child.
Although our lives will be changing in the next few months and it will be 3 instead of 2, I know that our life together will only get better, all because you are an amazing husband and will be an even better daddy.
We both love you so much. and the dogs send you a great big kiss as well for all you do for them. Enjoy your special day. xoxox

Chris enjoying his wonderful gifts from Baby Fournier and the dogs.

I would also like to say Happy Father's Day to my daddy. I love you so much. You have always been there to support me and encourage me when needed. You show me love everyday just by being you. I am the women I am today largely in part because of you and the guidance you have provided me. I can't wait to see you again in a few months and so wish I was able to share this special day with you. I thank you for being you and could never have asked for a better father.

Love you. xoxo

Me and my dad. xo

Week 28. Officially 7 months third trimester.

2011-06-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

She has officially popped out and made an appearance. I love you so much Baby Fournier

I'm amazed at the natural curve in my back now. Love it.

Mommy and Ziggy taking a nap with Baby.

My Brother In Law on You Tube.

2011-06-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

He wrote this song for my niece. Enjoy!!

Way to go Pat.

Love for our baby girl

2011-05-31T20:37:00.000-07:00

I never thought I could love someone so much as I do my little girl. I've had much love and grief for the two adoptions we had to let go but I have never felt love like this before. To know that i'm responsible for this little baby growing inside me is the most amazing feeling in the whole world. Our journey to parenthood has always felt real but there has been nothing as real as this.
Feeling her have the hiccups and kicking me throughout the day is an undescrible feeling.

I have loved and grieved the loss of a child with the previous unsuccessful adoptions; however, this miracle has made our hard journey better in more ways than I can describe. It's the first time in a long time that I can't express how I feel in writing.

Although she will be here in 3 short months, I would love to keep her inside me for a longer period of time to fully protect her from the world and all the dangers out there.

I want her to know that from the first day we found out about her she has been so loved and has meant the world to us. She is our miracle and I must admit she will probably be treated as such for her whole life. Thank you for coming to us the way you did, we will never let you forget how special you are to us all. We love you so much baby girl.

New Due Date

2011-05-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

We went for our official diagnostic ultra sound last thursday and it seems I was a little farther along.

Our new date is August 30 2011.

Only 3 months to go and we get to hold her in our arms; however, I love every minute of having her in me and feeling her move.

We are so in love with our daughter already. It's undescribable.

Progress pics so far

2011-05-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

2 days after finding out

25 weeks 5 days

2 days later
26 weeks 1 day

27 weeks. The bump has fully made it's appearance.

I'm loving every minute of it.

Our Baby Girl

2011-05-26T21:57:00.000-07:00

What a crazy week. My brother and his family arrived last Saturday and we have been busy with our little one with appointments all over. We had the pleasure of seeing our little one on May 24, through a 3D ultrasound, it was absolutely amazing. We also got to find out that we are expecting a little girl. So we have been busy shopping ever since, getting rid of the blue and buying pink. So much fun, she will be so cute in all her outfits. Our visit with the family has also been an exciting one, we have been so blessed in this last week, to have all my family around and to find out about of Little Miracle. I am still crying happy tears, not believing this is happening to us. We have had so much bad news in the last 8 yrs that this seems unrealisitc..then she kicks me and oh...she is real. :) I can't believe how much I can love someone in such little time. I'm so protective of her already. She has quickly become a large part of our lives and she is all we ever think about. I guess that is what parenthood is all about.

Here are some pictures of her 3D ultrasound.

What a month!!!!!!!!

2011-05-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Our month began with devastating news. We received a letter from our Adoption Agency explaining to us that the cost of the adoption had gone up a significant amount. With this news Chris and I were forced to make another very difficult decision and due to the financial strain of everything we have been through, we decided the best choice for us was to let go of yet another adoption journey. Grieving another child we had been waiting for was a very difficult moment for us but in our hearts we knew it was the best decision for us and our family.

Although we decided to let go of the adoption, we never gave up on our dream of becoming parents. We decided to book an appointment with our local fertility clinic and discuss our infertility options. Luckily, we were able to get in within 2 weeks of calling.

This Wednesday we drove to Kelowna, 2 hrs from home, for our consultation meeting. I was very emotional that morning as I felt this appointment was officially closing the door to our little Quinten, but yet opening another opportunity. I was also very scared as if this didn't work out we may not be able to look at any other options. Running out of options is a hard thing to face.

We sat down with the Dr. in Kelowna, and as she was reviewing my blood work she noticed there were some irregularities with my blood work. She asked me if she could do another test on me to determine what may be going on, and of course I said yes. She said she needed to rule out pregnancy before going forward. There we were sitting in the Dr.'s office, looking at each other saying "there is no way we are pregnant", just as the Dr. walks in and say "YES YOU ARE PREGNANT". Chris and I burst into tears, not believing what she is saying. We were in total shock, how was that possible, I can't be pregnant, we have believed for 8 yrs that we can't have our own children and here we are pregnant...!!! What? What? What? is all we kept saying.

The Dr. then did a quick ultra sound to see how far along we were. She began with a pelvic u/s and all of a sudden there was a small foot and hand that came up on the screen, OMG, tears, tears, tears, OMG. She said, we need to do a regular u/s, and there was our baby, heart beat and all. After a quick measurement, she told us that we were not only pregnant but that we were 5 1/2 months pregnant. More than half way there. WTF???? I had no idea, i mean NONE.

We drove home in total shock that day and three days later i'm still in total shock, cannot believe it. I'm loving every minute of feeling the baby move and trying to understand what has happened.

We are overjoyed with this news and still feel like we are living a dream.

Our due date is around the 20th of September.

All I can say now is YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you all for your continued support. Our blog will not be a journey to parenthood as we let you all into this new adventure.

Mommy and Daddy Fournier + Baby.

PS. Ultra Sound Picture to Follow.

Happy Birthday to the First Man in my life

2011-04-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

My Dad, always there for me no matter what I need or when I need it. Full of great advise throughout our lives, whether it was asked for or not. I have learnt so many of my life lessons from my dad. He is always supportive of our ideas or life journeys. He is a big part of our everyday life. Although we don't live in the same town most of the year and may not be in the same town for a large part of the year we are always in contact. Something I would not be able to imagine my life without. I am who I am because of my parents.

I thank you everyday for all you do and have done for me and I thank god to have been blessed with you as my father.

I love you. Happy Birthday, and Cheers to many more fun filled healthy years ahead. xoxo

Reality

2011-04-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

Why is it that realitynever fails to contantly come back and hit you when you just start to put it aside. We have been doing so well with this new journey, waiting almost 6 stress free months, no new rules everyweek, no feeling of uncertainty, just waiting, day by day. Getting up every morning, thinking is today the day, and realizing at night that it may not have been the day but it was one day closer to the day. I know, great attitude, right? But then sitting here on a snowy, cold spring day alone with my thoughts and feelings and the reality of the pain comes creeping back up. The hurt that we feel for not being parents yet, the hurt of the emptiness inside. I've been struggling with the lump in my throat all day, trying to fight the reality of not being a parent yet and finally I lost the battle. Luckily, the breakdown only last minutes now, unlike my days of full on breakdown, but the pain is still there. Dealing with reality of the wait is getting easier as the months go by, however the reality of the doubt that "this may not happen, why would someone pick us" also comes back when you least expect it. Having passed my moment, the pain has subsided and I am now ready to deal with the reality of waiting again, waiting months and months for the birth mother of our son to choose us to be the parents of her child. The reality of not knowing what day it will happen, and how long we have to wait. However, the biggest reality of all is that our dream is waiting to be fulfilled everyday, and our love for our son grows with every hit of reality.

Good Luck Steph and Robert

2011-04-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

I have friends leaving for Ethiopia this Friday to meet their future daughter and hopefully successfully pass court and have her become their legal daughter. I wish you all the luck in the coming week and am sending you as many positive vibes as I can't. xoxo

Seattle 2011

2011-04-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Although Chris grew up in Ontario, he has always been a big Seattle sports fan, cheering on the Mariners and the Seahawks for years, never thinking he would live close enough to Seattle to actually attend a life game. So when we moved here it was definitely on his wish list. We received free tickets to a Seahawk game this past season but were unable to attend. We haven't really been anywhere since we began the adoption journey and always feel guilty when we spend even a dollar on something now adoption related, but we saved our pennies and off we went to Opening Night of the MLB season in Seattle. The trip was quick but being only 4 hrs away we had to go and had a wonderful time. It was so nice to reconnect again as a couple having fun. Adoption tends to take over your life and you don't think of anything else, however it is so important to remember each other and take the time to appreciate each other as well. I can't wait to go again, and hopefully we will have Q to come with us. Here our some pics of the trip.

Opening Night

Chris in the owner's box during our tour Here I am on the field Outside of the field Chris in the dug out looking like a Pro

Chris calling out the pitcher...well pretending to anyways.

Looking like he belongs and looking good all at the same time.

Chris on the field The Moose mascot poking through.First night our seats were high up but second night we were on lower level with a much better view.

Ready to go cheer them on...they didn't win all weekend but we still had a blast. We hope to be able to do it again soon.

5 Months

2011-04-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

I missed the last few months of posting the month milestone but I look at that as a good thing. I look at it as we are ready for Q to arrive any day but we are not dwelling on the pain everyday. Life goes on knowing he will be in our hearts sometime soon and we can't wait. We also feel like the WILL actually happen someday, which is the big difference between this adoption and our Kaysen adoption. With our Kaysen (Ethiopian) adoption we always felt like things had to happen NOW as they may be taken away at any minute but with this adoption for Q we feel confident that it will happen, therefor we are able to somewhat relax about it. Don't get me wrong we are super excited and anxious but it's completely different. It's actually not a bad experience this time. Why we had to go through what we did with the Kaysen adoption we will never know but we know that the day we get to hold our son will be the day that we understand. Hopefully that day comes sooner than later.

2011-04-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

Almost two years after our world came crashing down see post here the directors of Imagine Adoption have finally been charged. What this may mean for the long run we aren't sure, I personally would love to see them suffer in jail thinking every long day and night of the pain they have caused to so many families and of all the children that are still sitting in orphanages because of the delay their greediness has caused. We are pretty sure the money situation will not change and that we still won't see a thing however having them behind bars would be a sweet feeling. They are to appear in court next month and I will keep you all posted of the outcome. Thank you all for your continued support. People like the people charged in this case are truly unbelievably cold hearted people, why they exist we don't know or never will know but they are horrible people and unfortunaltey they effected us in our journey to parenthood. Although we have moved to a new adoption journey then Ethiopia we have felt and still feel the pain caused to us everyday. Here's to justice being served for all of us.

Directors charged with defrauding adoption agency of $420,000 ANNA MEHLER PAPERNY Globe and Mail Update Published Friday, Apr. 08, 2011 11:23AM EDT

The founder and general manager of an international adoption agency are accused of defrauding the agency of hundreds of thousands of dollars almost two years after trustees first found “questionable” spending in its records.

Cambridge, Ont.-based Imagine Adoption, which matched up Canadians with orphans from Ghana and Ethiopia, declared bankruptcy in July, 2009, leaving hundreds of families in adoption limbo.

Now, the agency’s founder, Susan Hayhow, and its general manager, Rick Hayhow, are charged with breach of trust and multiple counts of fraud, totalling more than $420,000.

Police allege the frauds took place between January, 2007 and the agency’s bankruptcy declaration. During that time, police say, money paid for adoption services was spent on international vacations, renovations to the couple’s shared home in Cambridge, food and clothing.

The charges are cold comfort to the families, many of whom have moved on or tried to adopt through other avenues.

But it raises questions about how an agency involved in the increasingly lucrative business of international adoptions, whose license was renewed multiple times by the Ontario government, could have operated for so long with its financial irregularities unnoticed.

International adoption has become a multi-billion-dollar global industry; children’s advocates argue it’s under-regulated and ripe for abuse.

Ontario has “some of the most comprehensive international adoption licensing requirements in Canada,” said Anne Machowski, a spokeswoman with the Ministry of Children and Youth Services. Imagine Adoption, which was first licensed in 2005, had its license renewed annually.

“Why hasn’t the Ontario government yet taken responsibility for their failure to properly monitor an international adoption agency?” said Ingrid Phaneuf, who had been waiting for adoptions from the agency. Ms. Phaneuf has since adopted two boys, eight and 10, from Ontario.

Children and Youth Services Minister Laurel Broten wasn’t available for comment Friday, Ms. Machowski said.

Since the Imagine Adoption case, the province has strengthened its licensing process: It now requires an audited financial statement, an annual report available to the public and a report from the board of directors that outlines agency operations and activities.

“When the Ministry became aware of the difficulties concerning Imagine Adoption we acted quickly and immediately,” Ms. Machowski said in an e-mail, adding that the province worked with BDO Dunwoody to help families affected and ensure the agency’s orphans in Ethiopia were safe. (The orphanage Imagine Adoption was working with in Ghana, which the Canadian agency did not operate, was shut down by the Ghanaian government over allegations of child-trafficking right around the time of Imagine Adoption’s bankruptcy declaration.)

Susan Taves, the BDO Dunwoody trustee charged with handling Imagine Adoption’s bankruptcy and restructuring in 2009, says spending irregularities at the agency were apparent when she began going through its financial records.

“It was clear from our banking review there was some really questionable stuff,” she said. This included travel to the United States and renovations that clearly hadn’t been done on Imagine Adoption’s Cambridge office. But Ms. Taves said she wouldn’t expect the province to have noticed that.

“Licensing is like issuing a license for someone to be a car salesman: They’re not going to be in there every day to see if the price of cars is going up or down,” she said. “This is an operating issue I think it would have been difficult for a licensing body to see.”

Mr. and Ms. Hayhow are on record as having declared personal bankruptcy in 1996, with $165,712 in declared liabilities. The couple bought a house on Roseview Avenue in Cambridge in 2004. It was sold for $417,000 in 2010.

When Imagine Adoption declared bankruptcy, the couple owed money to a swimming pool business, a home-renovation contractor and a landscaper who confirmed the work was done at Ms. Hayhow's private residence.

Imagine Adoption has since restructured and is technically operational, although its adoptions are being run by Mission of Tears in Toronto.

For board member Christine Starr, things turned out all right: Her 19-month-old daughter Soleila arrived from Ethiopia in December.

“I would do it all again in a heartbeat.”

With reports from Celia Donnelly and Jennifer MacMillan

Justice May Be Served...Finally

2011-04-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

Almost two years after our world came crashing down see post here the directors of Imagine Adoption have finally been charged. What this may mean for the long run we aren't sure, I personally would love to see them suffer in jail thinking every long day and night of the pain they have caused to so many families and of all the children that are still sitting in orphanages because of the delay their greediness has caused. We are pretty sure the money situation will not change and that we still won't see a thing however having them behind bars would be a sweet feeling. They are to appear in court next month and I will keep you all posted of the outcome. Thank you all for your continued support. People like the people charged in this case are truly unbelievably cold hearted people, why they exist we don't know or never will know but they are horrible people and unfortunaltey they effected us in our journey to parenthood. Although we have moved to a new adoption journey then Ethiopia we have felt and still feel the pain caused to us everyday. Here's to justice being served for all of us. Directors charged with defrauding adoption agency of $420,000 ANNA MEHLER PAPERNY Globe and Mail Update Published Friday, Apr. 08, 2011 11:23AM The founder and general manager of an international adoption agency are accused of defrauding the agency of hundreds of thousands of dollars almost two years after trustees first found “questionable” spending in its records. Cambridge, Ont.-based Imagine Adoption, which matched up Canadians with orphans from Ghana and Ethiopia, declared bankruptcy in July, 2009, leaving hundreds of families in adoption limbo. More related to this story Fraud investigation into adoption agency begins •Board questions adoption agency's expenses •We just want to bring our son home Now, the agency’s founder, Susan Hayhow, and its general manager, Rick Hayhow, are charged with breach of trust and multiple counts of fraud, totalling more than $420,000. Police allege the frauds took place between January, 2007 and the agency’s bankruptcy declaration. During that time, police say, money paid for adoption services was spent on international vacations, renovations to the couple’s shared home in Cambridge, food and clothing. The charges are cold comfort to the families, many of whom have moved on or tried to adopt through other avenues. But it raises questions about how an agency involved in the increasingly lucrative business of international adoptions, whose license was renewed multiple times by the Ontario government, could have operated for so long with its financial irregularities unnoticed. International adoption has become a multi-billion-dollar global industry; children’s advocates argue it’s under-regulated and ripe for abuse. Ontario has “some of the most comprehensive international adoption licensing requirements in Canada,” said Anne Machowski, a spokeswoman with the Ministry of Children and Youth Services. Imagine Adoption, which was first licensed in 2005, had its license renewed annually. “Why hasn’t the Ontario government yet taken responsibility for their failure to properly monitor an international adoption agency?” said Ingrid Phaneuf, who had been waiting for adoptions from the agency. Ms. Phaneuf has since adopted two boys, eight and 10, from Ontario. Children and Youth Services Minister Laurel Broten wasn’t available for comment Friday, Ms. Machowski said. Since the Imagine Adoption case, the province has strengthened its licensing process: It now requires an audited financial statement, an annual report available to the public and a report from the board of directors that outlines agency operations and activities. “When the Ministry became aware of the difficulties concerning Imagine Adoption we acted quickly and immediately,” Ms. Machowski said in an e-mail, adding that the province worked with BDO Dunwoody to help families affected and ensure the agency’s orphans in Ethiopia were safe. (The orphanage Imagine Adoption was working with in Ghana, which the Canadian agency did not operate, was shut down by the Ghanaian government over allegations of child-trafficking right around the time of Imagine Adoption’s bankruptcy declaration.) Susan Taves, the BDO Dunwoody trustee charged with handling Imagine Adoption’s bankruptcy and restructuring in 2009, says spending irregularities at the agency were apparent when she began going through its financial records. “It was clear from our banking review there was some really questionable stuff,” she said. This included travel to the United States and renovations that clearly hadn’t been done on Imagine Adoption’s Cambridge office. But Ms. Taves said she wouldn’t expect the province to have noticed that. “Licensing is like issuing a license for someone to be a car salesman: They’re not going to be in there every day to see if the price of cars is going up or down,” she said. “This is an operating issue I think it would have been difficult for a licensing body to see.” Mr. and Ms. Hayhow are on record as having declared personal bankruptcy in 1996, with $165,712 in declared liabilities. The couple bought a house on Roseview Avenue in Cambridge in 2004. It was sold for $417,000 in 2010. When Imagine Adoption declared bankruptcy, the couple owed money to a swimming pool business, a home-renovation contractor and a landscaper who confirmed the work was done at Ms. Hayhow's private residence. Imagine Adoption has since restructured and is technically operational, although its adoptions are being run by Mission of Tears in Toronto. For board member Christine Starr, things turned out all right: Her 19-month-old daughter Soleila arrived from Ethiopia in December. “I would do it all again in a heartbeat.” With reports from Celia Donnelly and Jennifer MacMillan

Touching Letter from my niece Jessyka.

2011-03-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

The one thing with this adoption is that if effects alot more people than just Chris and I. All our family and friends are effected and until today I didn't quite understand just how much. My niece Jessyka wrote this letter to her friends to help sell our cookbooks. This is such a touching letter and means so much to Chris and I. It really made us realize how much our families have gone through in the background, while being strong and supportive for all of us. I thank you so much for this Jessy, the love and support of our family and friends is what keeps us going everyday. Someday, Q will be home and will be loved by so many. He will be one lucky little boy to have such love and support, that began even before he arrived.

Please take a minute to read this.

For over 5 years my aunt Natalie and uncle chris have tried to conceive, without any success, their dream of having a baby was turning into a nightmare. Unfortunately, at this moment the idea of conceiving seems almost impossible, therefore they have decided to adopt! How exciting! So we thought. It's been a long, hard and very emotional journey that began several years ago. They started this process and decided to adopt a beautiful baby boy from Ethiopia, they named him Kaysen. After going through months of the referrals and house visits, they were finally one step closer to their baby boy. So we waited. Bought him endless supplies, baby clothes, toys, talking Elmos, kids books with his name personalized in them, Christmas ornaments for our trees, set up his bedroom, dreamt about him, talked about him for hours on end, without even knowing him yet. It was all so surreal, my aunt was going to finally have her baby! He had become part of our everyday life, always keeping faith, holding on to hope that next month, okay by the summer he'll be here, don't worry Matante he'll be here by Christmas... Slowly but surely it all became very real, Kaysen wasn't going to be here as fast as we'd hoped so we went about our lives, still bringing him up, but only on occasion, for the hurt of not being a mom, a dad, an aunt, uncle, big cousin or grandparent again, was always there, it was tough but we all did our best to keep the spirits high for my aunt Nat especially.

The weeks turned to months and the months turned into years, every night she
walked by his empty nursery which ultimately turned into a lot of heartache and questions as to why he can't just be here and why she can't have a baby of her own. It was heartbreaking to see my aunt, one of happiest people I know dwindle as time went on. If the wait wasn't hard enough, just imagine the pain she felt in July 2008 when she found out the adoption agency she had given all her money, her hopes and most of all her vulnerability to, had fled, they went 'bankrupt', not only did my aunt and uncle go through this but hundreds of other people had trusted them as well... That was it for her, she had put so much emotion into this little baby, that she was ready to give up. I still remember that day, where I was and how I reacted, in uncontrollable sobs, and asking why? I can't imagine how it felt for her and my uncle, I could litterally feel my heart hurt. Although I had never met him, held him in my arms or changed his diaper. I loved him. He was my little cousin, he had been a part of our lives for 3 years, I felt as though my baby cousin had passed away, I would never get to see his first steps, here him laugh, see him on his first day of school, take him for ice cream or smother him in the long awaited 3 years of kisses I'd been holding out for. That was it... We mourned Kaysen, talked about him until the sun came up, cried, and helped her and Chris as best we could to hold on to hope that someday they will be parents... They never did give up.

About a year ago they decided to go with a new agency, one in Florida. Adopting is very expensive but they were willing and trusting enough to invest in this second agency because they know that they were meant to be parents. The adoption process is looking very promising and they are on their last step to getting their precious baby boy, Quinten, home! On that note, we need your help, she is selling cookbooks of all our family recipies (over 100 recipies) for 15$ a book in hopes to raise enough money so she can finally have her baby in her arms and begin the life she's longing for. She wants nothing more in this world than to be a mom. My aunt will be one hell of a mom at that, she was at all our school concerts, sporting events (even though she hates hockey) knows all our friends by their first name, always there to lend a hand, a shoulder to cry on, a ride to the movies, horseback riding, to hold our hair while we're getting sick, a lunch date, a supervisor on class trips and she
is always coming up with fun family ideas, most of all she's a great friend. I know, even though Chris has stayed pretty strong through this whole process he is counting the days until he can bring his little guy home, the years until he can teach him to play catch, walk the dogs, watch his first football game and teach him to drive. I know that they will make amazing parents, please help their dreams become reality.

If you'd like a cookbook, please message me on here and I will send you more information on how we will send them and receive payment.
They are $15 each and they will be available for pick up in Chemmy this summer.
Thank you very much!
Jessyka

Jessyka, you are an amazing young women and we are proud to be your aunt and uncle. If only we could describe what this meant to us. We love you xoxo

Cookbooks Are In!!!!!!!

2011-03-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

I came home to find a box full of our cookbooks yesterday and if I may say so myself, i think they look great. It' is so exciting to see all our hardwork completed into a finished product.

We will be selling them for $15 per book or $20 with shipping. Please do let me know if you are interested in receiving any. Simply leave me a comment with your email address or email me directly at jmzfournier@yahoo.ca and i'll give you more details.

I would like to thank everyone that has contributed to the cookbook with fun family recipes.

I would also like to thank you all for your continued love and support.

Immigration

2011-02-23T18:08:00.000-08:00

We received the approved immigration paperwork today. So excited. What this means is that we are now approved to bring our son home when it's time. We have a second portion to fill out once we get the wee ones information such as DOB etc. and then off we go to go pick him up. I was worried something may happen before we had the paperwork but now we have one less thing to worry about. Come on phone ring.....

Before and sort of After -- Kitchen

2011-02-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

Since i've moved in i've hated all the white and my kitchen was the next project in line. Although I would have loved to go to a kitchen cabinet store and picked out a brand new set of cupboards it wasn't in our budget at all....so I figure, why not try painting them. So after much hole filling, sanding, priming and painting I am so excited with the results. Now we will be painting the white walls to add a little more color and we should be done for awhile....yeah, like I won't find another project to take my mind off the adoption in no time...lol So here is the before and after shot. What do you think?

I do realize there is one door missing in this picture but once i'm done with the wall painting i'll add the finished pictures. For now, I couldn't wait to share. All I need now are beautiful new stainless steel appliance (not going to happen) !!

Congratualations on your baby girl.

2011-02-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

Sending a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to my friends Tammy and Sid and little Josina who is soon to be a Big Sister. You are both such wonderful people and both deserve the very best from this point on. You are in our thoughts and prayers everyday for a safe and fast process. Sending you love.

Skiing at Sun Peaks BC

2011-01-29T17:55:00.000-08:00

My sister and I drove up to Sun Peaks today to try our luck at skiing. I used to live on the hill when I was young but I haven't skied in over 10 yrs and Renee skied once last year but it had been awhile before that for her as well. We had such a great day. Alot of laughs and only got lost on the mountain once. We made it up to approx. 6000 feet and the scenery up there was amazing. The trees were covered in snow in a way that you could only see at such high elevation. The weather was great, the pizza was yummy and the adventure was one will do over again and again. The village is beautiful and something I used to dream about seeing and now it's only a hop skip and a jump away.
After my legs were close to falling off we decide it was time to call it a day. We bring all our gear back, grab a coffee and chocolate and walk over to the truck...only to not have a truck there to get into. Yep the truck was gone. I start to hyperventilate and panic all the while Ren is saying "don't worry we'll find it!!" I was like "how can we find it, it doesn't just walk away" She was laughing out of nervousness and I was trying to breath. We walk over to the Service counter and I have a seat as i'm thinking, how the heck do I tell Chris our truck is stolen and how far we are from home. I hear my sister in the background "we think my sister's car got stolen" and then "what kind of vehicle" "Ford Edge" "oh, that truck was moved to the compound as it was in the way" how it was in the way we are still not sure as there was another vehicle parked in our spot, but yep, they towed my truck to a compound and scared the crap out of us. So I catch my breath, learn to breath again and then laugh with my sister about it all the way to the truck. What a way to end such a great day. I can't wait to do it again.

The view was breath taking

Ren posing by the snow covered trees

A close up pose from Ren

Me posing up the mountain

Had so much fun with you today. I love you and our time we spend together, it's never a dull moment but always a great time. Looking forward to more days together. xo

Gift from Matante Ren and family

2011-01-29T17:49:00.000-08:00

I have been looking the "perfect" lamp for Q's room for over 2 yrs and could never find one that was within budget so I figured I wouldn't have one. Well to my surprise my sister was in Vancouver last week and found the "perfect" one at Pottery Barns for Kids and purchased it for me. I was so surprise and happy when I saw it. It's exactly what I was looking for and the room is officially complete.
Thanks again Matante Ren, we all love it and can't wait to use it.

Goodbye 2010

2010-12-31T12:52:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my livingroom reflecting on 2010 and wondering what I should write. Quite alot has happened in our lives in 2010. To think this time last year we are about to put our house for sale to move across the country and start a new life and now here we are nicely settled in our new home, town, province. It has been a hard year to be away from part of my family, however having my sister and her family near by has been a blessing.
2010 was also the year we stopped our Ethiopian journey to begin a new adoption journey, which we are as well settled into and waiting for news in 2011.
Chris and I both started new careers and are both happy with our choices. We are both very happy for the choices we made for our family in 2010 and so far all is falling into place as it should. I would like to say 2010 was a horrible year, as we are begining another year without a child in our lives but I can't say it was horrible. It was a year filled with new adventures and happiness. We really are in a good place in our hearts and our minds to begin 2011.
There were definitely moments of pain, sadness and fear in 2010 but it all worked itself out for the best and we all came out ahead in the end. So cheers to 2010 and blessings to 2011.
May 2011 be as filled with new adventures and happiness as 2010.
I would also love to post that 2011 will be THE YEAR for us but I can't. My attitude going into 2011 is hopefully it's the year for us but if it's not meant to be the year that's ok, we will deal with things as they come and be all the stronger for it.

Blessings to you all in 2011.

Skating and Sliding with Friends and Family

2010-12-30T08:50:00.001-08:00

We got together with friends and family yesterday to do some skating and sliding and had a wonderful fun day. It's so nice to enjoy the outdoors and have some good laughs.

Ziggy even got to enjoy the sliding.

2 Months

2010-12-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday marked 2 months of our wait for Quinten. The exciting thing of the 2nd month is that we were told our dossier would probably not be shown for the first 2 months, unless special circumstances came up. Now are dossier will be placed in priority to be shown. We are so excited and can't wait for the call.

I had a dream last night that we received our baby, this was the first time in our whole journey that I saw my son's face in a dream and he was so precious, and I still remember how it felt to hold him, someday that feeling will be real and I won't have to dream it anymore. We are ready Quinten, please come home soon. xox

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T22:09:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas to all. This was the first Christmas in my whole life without my mom and dad or seeing my brother, and although it wasn't the same without them, Christmas was still a good Christmas. We got to see them on skype and I had the privilege of spending Christmas with my sister and her family. Chris was working so I went and stayed at Ren's house. I started off the day with them opening their gifts, then we all headed over to my cousin's place to have breakfast. After a great breakfast and few hours at home, Chris and I returned to my sister's house for dinner. I also received a beautiful gift from my brother in law, he sang me the song Hallelujah. It was amazing.

I miss my family back in ON more than I can describe but I realize it's the way it has to be for now. I can't wait to see and hug them all again soon. We were blessed for so many years with having our family close that being apart makes it a very hard adjustment, but one we will all get through together. I love you all very much and can only wish that we have a good old fashion Beaudry family Christmas again soon. xoxox

My encounter with....

2010-12-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

A moose...

Led to little damage to my new truck :(

I know....I was so lucky. I turned on my high beams and there he was, I was almost stopped when I hit his back legs and his large butt ended up sitting on my hood for a little ride. The only damage to the truck is a large butt print on the hood. No scratchs or any other damage anywhere. I was completely freaked out, and I don't know if the moose is okay as I didn't go back to see but I'm happy to be alive and well enough to post it on my blog. Something I hope to never experience again!! Made me realize just how fast it could be over.

We Won!!!!!!

2010-12-19T14:23:00.001-08:00

When we first moved to our small town we saw that they have Christmas lighting contest for best lit house/street/cul de sac...ect. and I said to Chris when we moved here that I wanted us to win....Well we did. We won Best Lit Street 2010. And yes...there is more than one street in our little town...lol. I only wish I could say "I want to win the lottory" and actually have it happen as well...no such luck so far.

One Month

2010-11-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

We have officially completed one month waiting in our new adoption. It's great to finally have one month down, the next month will be fast as it's December and then on to month number 3.

Last piece of the puzzle.

2010-11-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I got an amazing deal on a crib, I saved $200 off the price and got a great transition crib for $159 in the color I wanted as well. Chris and I had the pleasure of putting it together and we are now officially only missing the last piece of the puzzle....Quinten. We are ready, and the room needs to be used.
Here are some pics...we can't wait to share with you all the completed package with Quinten in the crib sleeping peacefully.

First step.

Daddy-to-be enjoying himself

Finished product

With bedding

the complete package

(just in case you are all wondering....the bumper is for decor only and will be removed once Q arrives and the mobile strings will be shortened as not to be a chocking hazard)

We were going to spend another few hundred on a matching dresser but decided to save the money instead. I don't think it looks bad at all...what do you think?

Happy Holiday

2010-11-21T20:23:00.000-08:00

I created this elf video and cannot stop laughing. I hope you all enjoy it as much as we did.
Click link below.

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/kksX5IS8tnkdbMlq

Christmas 2010

2010-11-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

This is something I created for my parents and brother's family that won't get to see our tree this year.

This photo album generated with Smilebox

It's that time again...

2010-11-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

The time that I slowly start to sneak some Christmas items out of storage and place them around the house to add some festive spirit, and by slowly I mean 6 bins and 4 boxes. Come on...all who know me, know I can't just do it slowly it's all or nothing. This is actually the first year in many that I won't do all my decorating at once. Tonight I had to create a garland (small craft project) so I only had time for a few items to come out and i've chosen to wait a week or two for the tree to go up (another 3 bins full). Seeing as Chris is on graveyard I hope to be able to have most of the decorating done by tomorrow night and then that feeling will start to take over.
You all know that feeling...that feeling of joy, love, family and happiness.

Decorating my home is a long process every year but is always worth every minute and it brings life to my home. I hope you all take the time to enjoy decorating as it's not a chore, it's done for the love of the season and for that FEELING!!

Pics of the inside to follow.

Last weekend, we installed our outdoor lights and really enjoyed our time together. It was the first time since Chris and I have been together that we installed the lights together. He usually installs them for me and I take care of the inside, but we enjoyed our time together so much that I think from this year on we will always install them together. We enjoyed it so much we did it twice! Well we didn't do it twice because of the joy but we did do it twice because we found larger lights in our storage and had to make it right. Being the corner lot we had to decorate the front and the side of the house and with extra lights left over....Chris decided...why not do the truck.
Here are pics for you to enjoy.

Front of the house (we can't reach the top so I did the windows instead)

Side fo the house

Have have 3 of these little guys going up the driveway...a gift from my husband.

Back of the house deck and the fence

and here is the truck...We may be hicks but we are proud ones!

Owen's Halloween

2010-10-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

Here are pics of my nephew Owen dressed up for Halloween... so cute.
I miss them all so much. I so wish I could go visit them soon.

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

Another Halloween another Birthday another great day.

Chris and I had a wonderful birthday evening last night. I woke to a great breakfast, carved some pumpkins and am now relaxing before the kids come out.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Here are my carving skills for this year.

OFFICIAL OFFICIAL

2010-10-29T18:00:00.001-07:00

Although I posted a few posts back that we were officially waiting again....I was wrong. We were waiting as our dossier had left Canada on it's way to our US agency. But today we go the OFFICIAL word that we are now on the list and that our dossier can be shown any day. It mentioned in our email that "although it could take from 9-18mths please be aware it could happen much faster and that we should be ready to get the call any day" YAHOOO.....how exciting and scary all at the same time.

So my counter has been updated to reflect the new date and here we go...our new roller coaster ride has begun and we are climbing the hill....hopefully this roller coaster only goes up...!!!

I've had a really rough, stressful month worrying about a bunch of thing a but after a few weeks to a month funk, i have kicked myself in the butt again and took one step forward and we are now back on track.

Please join and ride the ride with us again, I promise this ride will end differently then the last.

NEEDS HELP!!

2010-10-21T20:01:00.000-07:00

Chris and I are needing your ideas. We are racking our brains trying to find ways to save extra money to help in our adoption journey. Although we would love to walk to the end of a rainbow and find our pot of gold, we have to be realistic and find other ways.

We have heard of many people who have done fundraisers to help bring their children home and we are looking for ideas as well as how we can go about doing a fundraiser. I'm scared that people out in the world will feel we are crazy if we ask for funds. So to those who have done fundraisers, how did you go about it, how did others react to it and what is the best way to get started?

Any ideas will help. We are so close to the finish line but yet feel so far away. We are simply looking for suggestions as we are begining to run out of ideas.

We thank you in advance for your input.
Nat and Chris

TRUE FRIENDS

2010-10-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

On Thanksgiving weekend, I finally got to meet someone I have wanted to meet for almost 3 years.
When I first began my adoption journey I received an email from another adoptive mother named Tammy. The bond I felt with this soon to be mother was something different. I knew from that first email she knew exactly what I was going through, the pain I felt and the emptiness inside was something we shared. Tammy was my first "adoption friend", a TRUE friend. Someone that I could only hope to meet someday but knew even if I didn't that we would be friends forever.
Over the years we have shared moments of pain, and moments of joy, including the arrival of her daughter Josina over a year ago. I also got to meet Josina and wow what a wonderful child she is. They are amazing with her and I can only hope to be as lucky someday.
Having moved to BC had given me a greater chance of meeting Tammy someday, she was one of the first people I told we were moving, in hopes that we could meet half way someday and this past weekend we were able to make it happen.
Luckly for me, Tammy has family that lives just over an hour away, and with her kindness and generousity she volunteered to pass some baby items on to us and bring them with her to her brother's home for me to pick up. Although Thanksgiving weekend was a crazy busy weekend for both of us we both made the time to meet and I am so happy we did. As soon as I saw Tammy I felt I was hugging someone I knew for a long long time. The bond I thought we had was there, and although we didn't have much time to sit and chat we did go out for a coffee and it was like I was chatting with an old friend.
She is truly as nice, kind and generous as I thought she was and luck for me I go to me her husband Sidney and hang out with Josina.
This meeting has opened up a new stage to our friendship and I can't wait to spend more time with my TRUE FOREVER FRIEND.
Thank you so much for always being there for me throughout the last couple of years. It's always been nice to know that I wasn't alone and that you always knew and felt what I was feeling. Your friendship is cherished everyday and I look forward to being FOREVER FRIENDS and discussing the joys and pains of motherhood with you. xo

Family Visit

2010-10-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

I am slightly behind on my blog posts this month. So instead of writing a book I'll post alot of pics with small explanations....enjoy.

Mid Sept my mom and dad left Sudbury ON and took the long trip to come see my sister and I in BC. They have been here for over a month and it has been great. I definitely don't want to see them go. While they were here we did a few family trips in the area.
Our first one was an nice drive to Clearwater to see the waterfalls. I would never have imagined such beauty within a few hours drive. Take a look at what we saw.

Mom, Renee and I with my giant leaf

all of us

Ren showing us her new firm booty

Majestic

Dad and his girls

Mom and her girls

The next weekend we went for a local scenic drive and to Kelowna (sorry Alysia we were only there for a quick ride, I promise to let you know next time I'm there)

What a beautiful town Kelowna is, since i've moved here all I hear is "I don't like Kelowna" "Kelowna sucks" but wow, I would move to Kelowna it's SO beautiful, the scenery is definitely worth it. Yes there is more traffic then Kamloops but compared to Sudbury the traffic is nothing.

Then was thanksgiving weekend. On Saturday we decided to go to the Salmon Run in Chase. It was pretty neat to see. We had never seen it before and although there were many fish that had died it was quite interesting to see how many fish were there and how the whole cycle works.

there was always a male and female fish together and they were so bright red

Chris, Me, Renee and Pat

I know, we are super cute...thanks..

On Sunday we had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's. It was great having my parents there with us, I only wish my brother and his family could have joined us. This year we were thankful for family and friends. For having the opportunity to have started a new journey to becoming parents and for our health. Here are few pics of us celebrating together.

Danika, Samantha and Jessyka....beautiful girls

Ren and Pat

Memere and Jess

Enjoying good food and good company

We are coming near the end our my parents' visit and we are sad to see them go. However we have had a wonderful time with them and can't wait to see them again.
Have a safe trip to Arizona Mom and Dad, we hope to be able to go see you in your winter home this year. Thanks for the visit we love you.

OH...and I can't close this post without showing you all the new additions to the family. Miss Oreo and Muffin.

Miss Oreo

Muffin

We are waiting again.....Yay!!!!!

2010-10-02T09:36:00.001-07:00

If you notice at the top of our blog you will notice that we have a new counter up there. A counter that will count the days to Quinten. YES....We are officially waiting again. Our dossier left this week and we are on the list awaiting baby Quinten. We are so excited. The next call we get should be THE call, the call that a birthmother has chosen us to take care of her child. To nuture, teach, love and support for the rest of his life. I can't even imagine how hard that decision will be for the birth family and I will always remember the gift that they have provided us. I can't wait for the day the call comes and I can end our adoption journey and begin our parenting journey.

You will also notice at the top of this blog that the counter for Ethiopia has stopped. I FINALLY sent the email to imagine this week and let Kaysen go, offically. It was much easier than I thought as my excitement for Quinten has taken over. Although our journey to E was and will always be a very large part of our lives our journey to Quinten is the new journey and we are more ready than ever to embark on it. After much sole searching I finally figured out that I was blending one adoption with the other. I kept saying "i've been adopting for years" but since i've changed that to "we tried adopting from E for years but have now began a new journey to Florida" and started looking at things completely seperate my feelings aren't so messed up. Our journey to parenthood has been years but our journey to Q has only been a few months.

I am sooooo excited and can't wait to jump every time the phone rings..!!!!!!!1

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

5 yrs Cancer Free!!! A time to celebrate

2010-09-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

6 yrs ago we found out my sister was going to have to embark on the largest fight of her life. The fight against cancer, and today marks the day we celebrate that she is officially 5 yrs cancer free. YAHOOOOOO!!!
She has been such a strong fighter throughout her battle and an inspiration to us all. She often says how blessed she is to have her family and her life to live to the fullest everyday, however we are the ones that are blessed to have her.
She is always smiling and always knows how to make others around her feel loved and happy. She is an inspiration to me, she helps me to stay strong and keep fighting my own little fight. The devastation I felt when we received the news was unbearable, to think I might someday lose my sister, my friend is a thought I never want to think again. She is my best friend, my confident and someone I feel proud to say is my sister. I don't only get to say "Hey, I know Renee" I get to shout out to the world "Renee, is MY SISTER!!!"
I look forward to having her around when I have a family. She has been a wonderful mother to her three beautiful girls for 19 yrs now, and I can only hope and pray that I will be so loyal, trusting, and nurturing with my child.
I thank God everyday for not having taken her away. I need her now, and always. She brightens up my day and is one of only two people (my brother being the second) that has lived the same life as me and has been there for it all. She is always there to pick me up when I am down and to celebrate every milestone in my life.

I love you Renee, and feel blessed to have you. Thank you for being who you are and for being my big sister. xoxo

???

2010-09-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with me? That's the familiar question i've been asking myself in the last few weeks. It seems everyday the pain inside is getting worse. I'm days away from finally getting word that we are "officially" waiting again, but i'm scared as ever. I keep saying i'm struggling inside, but I have no way to express what that struggle is. I wake up with pain. It's been gone for so long and now it's come back. Why did it come back?
I should be excited to be "officially" waiting again, so why am I so scared. I feel like history will somehow repeat itself and that in the end the result will be the same. Although a large part of me believes strongly that all this will work out, the small part that doesn't seems to be taking over. All I want is the pain and fear to go away....am I asking for too much?

Inner Struggles

2010-09-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

Although, I am super excited that we are a few weeks away from final approval and FINALLY being active in our new program. I'm having an internal struggle with having to officially let go of the Ethiopian Program. We have technically let go of the program, however our file is still active there until I give the final "OK, we are done"
My logical side knows that this is the best thing for us, and that although we would perharps get an Ethiopian referral before the Florida one, our chances of having our baby home first is greater with Florida. The fact that we will be getting a newborn vs a child closer to one if not older is a major plus and the fact that we only have to travel to go get him once is a large plus. As mentioned, that is my logical side.
My emotional side is torn. We have been on this journey a long time, we are approaching 21 months of waiting, when I said I could never wait that long. We are so close to the end that my emotional side is saying...why not stay and see what happens. Obviously, I would LOVE to do both, but we can't and we made a decision that is best for our family. But my heart is hurting again. It's the final chapter of my book to Ethiopia and it's hard to see it end.
I know that once it's official and the word has been given it will be easier but for some reason I've been keeping it going. I keep saying "I don't want to let it go until we are approved in BC, just in case" but reality is, if we don't get approved in BC for the Florida program we wouldn't be approved for the Ethiopian program neither, so once again my emotions are hanging on.
After discussing my struggle with Chris over the weekend, we have decided that this week is the week. I will be sending Imagine Adoption "THE EMAIL" this week to officially let go of Ethiopia and Kaysen.
I am super excited for our new journey to Quinten, it's just that Kaysen has been in our hearts a long time. Although I have grieved for him he's been a large part of our journey to parenthood and this part of the journey will never be forgotten. Unfortunately, I find his name on all kinds of things, but it's ok. A name can be replaced on items, but the dream of having him, our Ethiopian son, will never be replaced.
Our journey to Quinten will be a new, exciting adventure and I can't wait to someday tell him how we came to bringing him into our home and our hearts. As well as tell him of all the obsticles and journeys we had to go endure to have our son with us, the son that is meant to be ours.

The Big Reveal

2010-08-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

Hi All, after many hours of work the nursery is completed to the point that I can share. I am still missing a few items but once they come in i'll share them at that time. Hope you enjoy looking at it as much as I enjoyed getting it ready. It's been a long time waiting and although we may still have over a year to wait it's such a nice feeling to have it completed. We are still missing the crib and dresser but other than that it's a place I go into to reflect. Come home soon little Q....oh...and his name is now revealed.

This photo album made with Smilebox

PS... the little saying on the wall says "Don't let the fear of striking out, stop you from playing the game.

change table project

2010-08-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Over 2 yrs ago, I purchase a change table for $15, seeing as we were going to have an older baby, I figured why get a new one when I won't be using for very long. But now that we will be having a newborn baby I figured I may as well give it a good makeover as it will be used for awhile. Here are the before and after pics. You will also see the before of the nursery and that's it for awhile. Not sure if I mentioned it but the nursery is a surprise for Chris as well so I won't be posting update pics until it's done. Please don't try to let the suspense kill you...lol

Before:

In rough shape, not the nices color and god awful paper on the shelving

Little strawberry shortcake sticker and you can see the condition a little better

This beautiful paper was covering all 3 shelves.

After a lot of sanding, painting and some TLC.....

The pefect little place to change my little man's bum. Thanks Memere for the new change pad.

A little baseball decal to replace strawberry shortcake

and the paper has been replaced with a blue and green paper to go with the colors of the room. There will be cute little baskets on these shelves when i'm done.

And here the old office, no color no pazzazz, just wait till i'm done.

Won't that nuke be the perfect place for all his little books.

This is the sign I added to the door, everyone else is allowed in...unless your name happens to be Chris F :)

Back to work I go.....to be continued

Paperwork gone

2010-08-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I got up and headed down to our local post office with a large box filled with paperwork and 10 beautiful printed and binded adoption profiles, to finally mail it all out to our new adoption agency. Now all we are waiting on is for our social worker to finish the updated homestudy and all the work from our end is done.

As I was getting everything into the box last night I was super emotional and shaky. You would think after all this time that I wouldn't get effected like I do anymore, I mean it's only paperwork right?! Well that's what Chris was saying last night too... But it's not just paperwork, it's months of getting things ready, filling out page after page of our life, signing document after document after document, meetings with social worker and creating an 18 page document about our life together and why the birth mother should choose us. The next person to read the profiles in the box (besides the agency of course) will be a birth mom. She will be ready this document about us, seeing our pictures and deciding if we are good enough to raise her child. I can only hope and pray that the letter I wrote to her was good enough, that I included enough "perfect" pictures, that she looks at us and says "YES" they are the ones. It's tough writing something to someone that you don't know, and asking them to give you the biggest gift in the world...their child. I wish there was pixie dust I could include in each profile package that would send her a message of the love her child will receive. I am feeling excited and so scared all at the same time. I know you will all say "Don't worry, you'll get chosen" but the fear of not getting chosen is greater than the excitement of getting chosen.

Today I am taking on the task of painting the nursery and getting it ready as I want it to be ready should the day come faster than expected. It may seem to some like it's just painting a room, but it's so much more than that. I have such great fear of getting the nursery ready. Although, I have waited years and years to do this and am having fun with my little projects, I'm so scared that I will have to someday paint it again to neutral as it may not happen.

The bankruptcy last year came with a large brick wall that I have been able to disassemble one brick at a time, but there is this last little bit of the wall that just won't break, I think it will be there until the day I hold our son. I can`t wait till the day that the wall is completely gone, that Chris can also get excited again and that our son is finally home where he belongs in his beautifully decorated nursery.

I have to ask you all one more time to please pray that this will finally happen for us and that we will finally be able to experience the joys of loving something more than ourselves.

To the birth mother, please know that the package we sent out today was filled with love, hope and strength for you as you face some difficult choices in the coming months. xo

Waiting

2010-08-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

Just a quick update to let you know where we are at. We have all the paperwork ready to go, i'm just waiting for clarification from our Agency to assure i'm sending the right stuff to the right people. We have completed all our social worker visits, and are now waiting for the social worker to right the home study and we are just waiting really. Not much else to do. I'll be mailing out the package by the end of this week and then we wait.

So unfortunately, our update at this time is we are waiting for the final stages to be completed and then hopefully within the next few weeks we are good to go.

I'll let you all know as soon as I know more.

Thanks for your continued support and patience...we are almost there.

Quick Update

2010-08-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

Not much has been going on to babble on about, so here is a quick update for you. We have had 2 meetings with our local social worker to do our homestudy update, we are hoping to have one more meeting and be done. We, as in I, have gathered all the necessary paper work needed for the new dossier...it's been a tough go as it seemed like so much more work this time, but it's now done and ready to be sent off, which I hope to have sent off with our final agency cheque next week. We will then be waiting on our home study to be completed and everything will/should be in place to get us on the list for expecting mothers. We are still hoping for the end of Aug/beginning of Sept, so we are keeping our fingers crossed that it all goes well.

Other than that, I started my new job 2 weeks ago and so far things are going great. It's currently a contract position but it looks like it won't be an issue to extend it or get something permanent, I just have to wait it out. I've been pretty good at getting up at 5:45-6am, something I haven't had to do in a long, long time, but getting to drive my new toy everyday makes it alot easier. I love it.

My parents are finally out of the bush so I can now talk to them again and will get to see them in less than 2 months. I am missing them so much, I can't wait. I just wish I would get to see my brother and his family as well. Hopefully soon.

And that's about it. We are happy as can be and have been busy getting acquainted with our new toys.....THE IPHONE4, one for each of us....they are amazing. Just in case you are out of the loop and don't know what they look like, here is a pic. Enjoy and be envious...lol Just kidding.
Have a great weekend everyone.

What a way to wake up?

2010-07-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

With my new job i've had to start getting up way earlier than i'm used to, but so far it's been great because Chris is just getting home from his shift when I get up so we get to spend some time together. Well this morning he got home early, went for a walk with the dogs and brought home a fresh hand picked bouquet of flowers for me. It was such a beautiful way to wake up. Thank you my love, you make my days brighter everyday. xoxox

Change is good...new suv !!!

2010-07-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

After years of wanting a new vehicle and finally get to the point of NEEDING a new vehicle we got a great deal on a 2010 Ford Edge AWD, so now we can feel safe driving up and down the mountain in the winter and we can look good doing it as well.

Isn't it beautiful!!!

Yahooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessa and Doug

2010-07-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

I got to meet Jessa and Doug today. They came all the way to Logan Lake to visit, how great was that. (picture to follow) it was so nice to sit and talk with them. The instant adoption connection is amazing. I love it. So this post is for them.

Thank you for coming out, it was so great to meet you both and I can't wait to go see you guys Vancouver soon. You are as nice and great as I thought you would be. I just apologize for the mess my house was in :)

Meeting people from the same journey is just something that feels great. Although we have all been to hell and back in the last few years, the one thing we all got from this are great friendships. Often we don't get to meet the people we talk to on a weekly basis but sometimes we are lucky enough to sit and have a good chat. It just feels great. The friendships made through adoption are some of the best and dearest friendships I have. Something I will always be greatful for.

Thanks again for coming out guys, it was great.

Change is good....job front

2010-07-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

When we moved here Chris and I decided that I wouldn't start looking for full time work until Sept of this year and enjoy my time off this summer. Well being the type of person I am, I started looking, not actively, but here and there. Well about a month ago I went for an interview and will be starting a new job in "document control" for a company that makes mobile construction site trailers among other things, not to sure about it all just yet. I'm not to sure what my position will consist of as it's a new department for the company but i'm looking forward to getting back out there....that's what I say now. The way I look at it is that every extra penny I can make, can go towards our little man and trust me we need every penny as i've mentioned in previous posts.
I really enjoyed my time at home, it was great to be off all the time but now back to reality. I haven't worked a Mon-Fri job in almost 6 years as i've been self employed so that will be something else to get used to but i'm also looking forward to not having a pile of work waiting for me everytime I walk in the door.
As my new moto says "Change is good!!!"

First meeting

2010-07-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

We had a first meeting with our new social worker here in BC this AM and it went great. She is a down to earth kind of person which made us at ease. No matter how many times we meet with social workers that nervousness is always there. Not as much as the first visit we ever had but it's there. You know that feeling that they are literally holding your chances of having a child in their hands. I know that is not the case but the feeling just never goes away.

Anyways, we think it went great and we are meeting her again in 2 weeks. We are just finishing off the paper trail, and should have everything in place by the end of August.

It's so different this time around, it's like the motivation isn't as strong. Not that I want this any less than before but we are redoing the same old questionnaires and physicals and checks and it's just so blahhhhh this time. Hopefully it's our last time with this adoption and things actually have a happy ending this time.

Well, that's it for our latest update. Will post when I know more.

I also wanted to take this quick moment to say "i'm so sorry for all the families in the Ethiopian program with CAFAC that are left in limbo, or have had their journey end in some way or another. My heart is going out to you all and I just wish I had the right words to say to make it all better. I'm here for you and although I can't possibly understand the pain I can relate and will never judge what you are feeling." Hugs to you all.

One year ago today...

2010-07-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

our world feel apart. I will always remember the day detail by detail as if it happened yesterday. I was in Dallas when I got the news and headed home on the next flight. I won't go into details here about the day as it will only bring back bad memories but I would like to take this time to reflect on the last year.

Although, I didn't realize it at the time, July 13 2009 was the day I began to grieve the lose of Kaysen. Yes, I know, I didn't know what he looked like but he was a person in my heart, he was our child that we dreamed about everyday, he was real to us. Many people don't understand how it feels to love someone so much that is really just in your heart but I know the people who saw our pain, the adoption, infertile community will understand completely. It hurts. Does it hurt as much as it would if I had been pregnant? I don't know, cause i've never been pregnant but I know that it ripped out my insides and until just recently still hurt every single day. Just thinking of it now bring back a little pain in my heart. Needless to say, I grieved him. I went a little crazy inside and I really couldn't understand why this was happening.
We went months not knowing what would be our next step, part of me was hoping and praying it would keep going and the other part of me was hoping and praying it would end. I knew we could never make the decision to leave the program ourselves and often hoped they would just do it for us.
In Oct/Nov, we got the news that all was good to go again, all we had to do was give them more money and we would keep going as usual. I remember saying to Chris, "I'm done, i'm ready to move on" and he said "Babe, you know you will never forgive yourself if you let it go" and he was right, so we sent them more money and one we went with the waiting. Although we were happy things were back on, the "wonderful, exciting" adoption feeling never came back. I woke up every morning hoping to feel the happiness and hope again but it wasn't there, I tried and tried, I think I even believed it at times but now looking back I know that it was never there and I now realize that the reason it never came back is because I was still grieving on a daily basis and I couldn't handle that the agency had all the control. In our minds, we had no choice to make, we were so commited, emotionally and financially. I kept saying "they could call us tomorrow and say we need x amount more money and we would say OK" They had us in a very bad position and we had no idea when enough was enough...I mean how do you decide that we can't take anymore when it came to a child.
I was so jealous that I didn't have another option, we couldn't leave the program and we would be waiting years for our son to come home. I was emotionally tired of the pain and the shattered dreams, we both were.
It took me a long time to grieve Kaysen, but moving here to BC gave us new options, and after making the decision to start a new program I feel the pain is finally gone. Well, it's there, it will probably always be there, but I don't wake up with it anymore. The excitement of adoption is back. Yay!!!!!!!!!!
We will never know or understand why we went through what we went through to get us to where we are today. But I do know that we are much stronger for it, our relationship is stronger for it and we now know we can get through hard times and come out smiling on the other end.
We are both getting the excitement back and we both feel we are now in the right direction to our son. We will never forget the pain we felt for Kaysen but we have moved on and I finally feel healed in my heart. It took a full year since the bankruptcy but time does heal all wounds.
I want to thank everyone in our lives, including all the adoption community for the continued support and encouragement throughout this past year, we would not have gotten where we are today without the love of you all.
We look forward to the year ahead and leaving the hurt and pain behind.
Congratulations to us all for getting past the bankruptcy and keeping our dreams alive, whether we are on the same path to our child or have chosen another, we deserve to be happy for getting through it.

Love this song

2010-07-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

Everytime I hear this song it makes me feel warm and peaceful.
Love it.

Nursery Planning

2010-07-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last 2 days looking at the internet trying to find the perfect items for the nursery. I'm feeling so good about all that is happening that I'm actually thinking of starting the decor once our approval is in....crazy right?

I just figure, if the decor is done the only things left to do will be to purchase the crib and dresser and put them in place. With this new journey the call can come at any time and the birth mother can be anywhere in her pregnancy, so I figure, better be safe than sorry...:)

I've asked myself many times today if i'm just setting myself up for disappointment but I'm feeling okay with it so i'm taking the risk.

I can't wait to share the before and after and in between stages with you but I won't be able to until it's complete as i'm keeping it a surprise from Chris. As you and he already know it's a baseball theme but that's all he's getting. I've purchased some really cool things to accent the room and I have a list of little projects to keep me busy, I can't wait to get started.

I'm off to Edmonton this week to help my cousin out with her work which will make the week go by faster and our appointment is the day after I get back. At least at that time i'll have a better idea how things work and if I can started.

I hope you all have a wonderful week. Cheers!!

Before and After

2010-07-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

This is the size of clothes I have been buying for the last 2 years (12-24 mths)

this is an 18mth sleeper

and THIS is what I get to buy now....i couldn't resist yesterday..... 3 mths

it's half the size....SO CUTE.

Chris' facial expression was priceless when I showed it to him, I think his stress meter just went up a few notches....lol :)

and the fun begins.....I PROMISE TO HAVE CONTROL THIS TIME....maybe if I keep telling myself that I will.

Adoption Profile....

2010-07-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

CHECK! Yep, i've completed it. It's a beautiful 18 page summary of what our life is all about and a why a birth mother would choose us. I've been slowly working on it for awhile but the last few days i've added the finishing touches and it's now into the hands of loved ones to make adjustments. We had our US consultation last week, which was in the form of a 2 hour phone call full of great and encouraging information and we have our appointment booked with the social worker for the 19th. We are so excited to get going on this new adventure. I feel like a child in a candy store again with the excitement I have. Just thinking that I will have a new born baby is the greatest feeling. I never thought I would get to experience the lovely first year of a child, the sleepless nights, the teething, the late night feedings just me and him. I can't wait. I know I may sound crazy wanting the sleepless nights, and I will probably change my mind once he gets here, but they are all things I envy when I look at new mothers and I WILL GET TO EXPERIENCE IT. YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

The feeling I now have inside is the same feeling I had when our dossier landed in Ethiopia, such excitement, eagerness, happiness and most of all inner peace. Everyday I wake up smiling knowing we have made the right decision. I just can't wait to get all the paperwork stuff over with and then the true waiting begins. I'm looking forward to adding a new counter to the top of this blog.

Name Change

2010-07-05T15:27:00.000-07:00

It's been hard to let go of the name Kaysen as we've been using it for the last 2.5 yrs so today I said to Chris "Let's pick a new name so we can fully let go" and that's what we did. We had a long list of names but when we did the "which one do you like best" list, we both had one name in common on our list.... the name is......A SECRET. We are going to keep this name to ourselves until we see our little one as it was so tough with Kaysen, everyone used the name all the time so now should something bad happen again we will be able to let it go and not have to worry about others letting it go as well.

So this post is to be continued....

Feel free to guess, all I can say is it's on the 1000 top 2009 baby names...good luck.

Canada Day

2010-07-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day. We started off the day going out to Kamloops to spend some time at Riverside park with my sister and her family and ended it with fireworks in Logan Lake. Our little town is the best, I mean we have approx. 2000 people living here and we have our own fireworks, and being lucky as we are our is situated at the top of a hill which gives us a great view from the comfort of our own backyard. Here are some picks of our day,

My Niece Jessyka, and Evan

Enjoying time with family and friends

This was our set up in the backyard, it was raining and cold but it was great. (Excuse the psycho eyes of my dogs)

The show was great and lasted approx. 25 min.

The best way to sum up how things are feeling on the inside in the last few days are "Peace and Happiness" It's been a long time since i've been at peace on the inside and yesterday I felt so happy I wanted to shout it out from the roof tops. I feel in my heart and soul that the year ahead for us is going to be a great year, full of adventure and joy and I can't wait to share it with all of you.

Hope you had a wonderful Canada Day as well.

Insanity of an adoptive mother

2010-06-30T18:45:00.001-07:00

As you know from reading this blog we have been on this adoption journey for over 2.5 yrs and have been trying to have a child for over 6 yrs. That is a long, long time to wait for a child. With this wait came a few moments of insanity...to say the least. Seeing as we requested a boy in Ethiopia, I turned to retail therapy right away thinking I may want to get ready as I only have approx. 1 year. Well, I was wrong about the wait time which meant I needed more therapy which in turn meant more shopping. Once the bankruptcy happened I stopped retail therapy and packed everything away, out of sight, out of mind. Well today I was feeling pretty good about things so I decided to venture into the unpacked toy room and decided to also see what cute clothes I had....this is what I found...

which is

35 pairs of socks

49 Onesis

40 t-shirts

29 long sleeve shirts

9 Button up shirts

2 pairs of shorts

3 Vests

8 matching pant/shirt outfits

2 coverall style jeans

8 regular pairs of jeans

1 winter suit

13 hats

33 Bibs

8 Spring jackets

7 Hoodies

5 Sweatshirts

4 pairs of cords

30 Pajamas

6 casual comfy pants

5 Khaki pants

4 regular pants

and that is not including the a bin full of cups, bottles, bowls, spoons, soothers and everything else you can imagine. 95% still have the tags on them and then I have 2 bins of used boy clothes....INSANE, even more insane that I did an inventory of it, don't you think. All the clothes is from 9-24months and nothing for a new born.

After this crazy insane inventory moment I had major reflection moment and a good talk with Chris about our new adoption journey, and we have decided after all we have been through we both still want our son. His name won't be Kaysen but he will be a boy. It may take us longer to be matched with a birth mother as alot of the mothers don't know the sexe of the baby but at this point what's an extra few months wait to get our son. Don't get me wrong, it's not that we wouldn't take a girl if a girl was handed to us but at this stage we still have a choice and it would be a large, large hassle to get rid of the above mentioned list, the bedding set, the books, the EVERYTHING boy. One less hassle is worth the extra wait. and who knows it might not be an extra wait it all depends on the birth mothers that are shown our profile.

The best news is that I have 0-9mths of boy clothes to buy now....I KNOW INSANITY, i've gone over the edge fully but i'm not making excuses for it i'm just allowing myself to do it because I CAN.

A little more color...

2010-06-30T18:27:00.000-07:00

When we moved into the house it was a complete blank canvas. White everywhere....i know some people would love to have an all white home but I need color. Not only for comfort as color makes it feel like home but also for cleaniness. Having 3 dogs running in and out all the time get's thing dirty fast. I told myself that I would give it 6 months to make sure I'm getting the colors I want and really get a feel for the home before I paint....well that lasted 1 and 1/2 months and out I went to get some paint. Here are some before and after, let me know what you think.

Before

After

What do you think? Honesty would be appreciated.

Hi

2010-06-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

I would first like to start by saying THANK YOU everyone for your continued support. Chris and I feel very lucky to have so many people rooting for us no matter where our journey to a family leads us. We are still in the process of getting the right paperwork together for the new adoption and have yet to fully let go of Ethiopia but we are one step closer and your support has only encouraged us to keep our heads up and keep going.

I also wanted to update on life here in BC. To put in a few words....it's more than I ever expected!!! I thought for sure it would take me some time to adjust to a new life and new province but other than the regular annoying things, like address change, licence change, insurance inspections and other provincial requirements we are loving it. We feel so relaxed here. We are getting more active with hikes and bike riding. We even started fishing. We have a cute little lake that you can fish off the dock and catch trout. We have yet to catch fish but we are enjoying the sun and relaxation that comes with fishing. All we need now is a boat and we can explore the rest of the area.

Wild life is something we see on a daily basis. Mostly deer, however we have seen moose, red-tail hawks, bald eagles, bears, and even wild horses... how cool is that. We try to go explore a new area at least once when Chris is off but we still have so much to explore just here in our backyard. We are a full 30min drive from Kamloops but the more we drive it the closer it seems. I've learnt to bring a cooler with me to do groceries as it's much hotter in Kamloops and it's a 30min drive so things...like ice cream...become milkshakes by the time we get home. Learned that the hard way...lol

Chris is really enjoying his job and i'm in the process of finding work. I've had a few interviews so far and should be back to the "real" world soon enough. I would love to stay home forever but bills need to be paid and that won't get done if i'm sitting on my butt at home.

Jake, Maddux and Ziggy have helped to make this home. They love the walks around the lake and although Maddux has to take it extra easy with his fragile knee, yep the other one is going now :( , he has come home many a times sticky from pond and lake swimming that help to cool them off.

Being near my sister and her family has been great. Although we don't get to see each other often it's great to know they are close and I can see them whenever I want. The only thing that would make everything perfect would be to have the rest of the family move to BC, but since that is not an option we will enjoy showing them all our wonderful discoveries when they come visit.

That's about it for now but this week should bring a few more answers on the job and adoption front. I'll keep you posted as news comes in.

Thanks again to you all. OH... and here are few pics to keep you entertained.

Personalize a photo album

Change is good....

2010-06-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

With the big news in the post below, we have been trying to cut back on everything in an attempt to save as much money as we possibly can....including no more expensive hair coloring/cuts...I've been blond for a very long time but with having to buy a box at the store I figured this may be easier to handle....have a look...what do you think?

My new moto.....Change is Good!

Try it...!

Change is good.....Adoption news

2010-06-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hello fellow blog readers. Now that our families are aware I would like to let you all know the news we have. Here is the email we sent to friends and family with the news. Before you read this, we want to thank you all in advance for understanding our decision and for your continued support.

"Hello Everyone,

We first would like to say sorry we didn't call you all to give you this news, but there are too many of you and this email should explain everything. Please do not hesistate to call us ********* or email us if you have any questions.

As you all know, last summer our agency in Ontario went bankrupt and our adoption dream was shattered. It felt to us like we had lost a child. Although we didn't know what he looked like, Kaysen was a large part of our daily lives and hearts. Giving up on him was not an issue. So we stayed with our agency, paid more money, and stayed with the newly restructured agency. In Dec, the agency started referrals again and just this month the first families will be brining some children home. In January we recieved our "number" on the list (82) what this number meant was that there were 82 families ahead of us before we could finally see our little baby. It was exciting but, after going through such pain, always kept a protective wall up. Referrals were going great and our number was going down....then referrals stopped/slowed down and new disappointments came on a monthly/weekly basis.....new government regulations, new paper work needed and the dreaded two visits. All of which would make our wall bigger and bigger but we kept strong and going. These slow downs only extended our wait and we were starting to look at approx. 2 more years if not more. In case you didn't hear, we were now required to go to Ethiopia twice. The first time to pass court where we would fly across the world, see our future son for a minute (no bonding allowed at all) and then fly back and wait up to 6+ months before going back to pick him up....complete torture. Not to mention the extra $$$ needed for the extra travel. But again, we swallowed the news and kept going. Which brings us to today.

Moving to BC, has not only been an amazing experience but a reflection period. We found out that it would end up costing us even more as we need all our home study done again, and all our paper work has expired (2yrs) so in other words we were starting over, except for the wait. Financially we are done...we have no more money to give to a program that is on thin ice and can collapes any day. Giving up on being parents was not an option but switching programs was. Living in BC allows us a few more options than living in ON. Weird as it's the same country but new province, new rules.

OK....here is the reason for the email.....We have made the decision to switch programs. This is our last shot....we are still trying to figure out how we will make this one work but we have to do what we can to be parents.....if this doesn't work we will have to be done....but it WILL work we have to believe.

The program we are switching to is in the US. We will be adopting from Florida. The program isn't available in ON but is here. The financial commit will be no more than if we had stayed with the Ethiopian program but is still outrageous. I know you are asking, what about the money in the other program....unfortunately for us ALL the money we have spent on the other program is gone. The good thing with this new program is that we don't have to give money until we know what the money is for. We won't disclose how much we have spent so far but it was alot and we have no idea to this day where all that money has gone. The new program will provide us with a list of what we are paying for and why...which will be a large difference.

The Ethiopian program was a program that was based on a waiting list, depending on when you sent your dossier to Ethiopia is where you were on the list. The Floriday program is a "family chooses" program. Where we submit our profile and wait for a family to choose us to raise their child. The baby will be a newborn baby (within a week or two old), he/she may be a male or female and the baby will still be African-American or Biracial. Most families have been placed with their child within a year, so our fingers are crossed that we get chosen fast.

This has been a really hard decision as we have to let go of "the idea" of Kaysen. We have decided we will start a fresh start and let go of the name and the program. We do have the option of keeping both programs going but for Financial reasons we are not able to. It may be hard for some of you to understand but we have had to grieve Kaysen and move on. The last few years will always be a part of our lives and we have to believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe the baby for us is just not in Ethiopia but from the US.

We thank you all for your continued support and ask that you pray that this final try for us will be a success.

Again, if you have any questions, do let us know.

Love Nat and Chris "

As mentioned in the letter, Kaysen will always be a part of our lives and this part of our journey to parenthood will never be forgotten, the grieving is still a prominent part of our lives and letting go is a scary thing. I will continue to support you all in your journey to Ethiopia but please understand that I will no longer be checking in on the board for updates as it's easier to just let it go completely.

I sent out the paperwork to the new agency here today and as of yet we have not let go of our Ethiopian Adoption. We want to make sure all goes well at this end and once we are officially waiting in the US program we will let the other one go.

I'll keep you posted as there are new adventures to come our way. I ask you all as well to please pray that we made the right decision and that our journey to becoming a family will finally come true.

Xoxoxo

18 months

2010-05-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

COME AND GONE....

Why?

2010-05-29T23:32:00.001-07:00

That seems to be the only title I can think of lately. I just don't understand, WHY? What is the reason we have to go through all this? Why can't decisions be made for us or someone lead us in the right direction. I know I haven't written in a while and it's because it's easier that way. Of course I want to tell you all how life in BC has been and I will but it's just easier to not read, write, comment, speak about, read about or do anything else that has to do with the adoption. I'M DONE!!!!! I know many of you reading this will understand what I mean but to those who don't, what i'm saying is that i'm done with the hurting, I DON'T WANT TO HURT NO MORE!!!!
All I want is for us to be parents, to help guide a child into life and enrich their life with love and laughter as they would do for us. I can't believe I have put Chris and I through all this. we thought adoption was the best way for us, we thought, why spend money trying to create a child when there are so many out there that need a home. But lately I keep second guessing myself. I just don't know what to do. I can deal with the wait but what I can't deal with is the emotions and the financials. You will notice that I have tried to avoid anything too negative in my blog as I am writing this for my future son, and I would never want him to think I didn't want him, which is why i haven't mentioned the cost too much, but i'm done, i'm done trying to make believe everything is AOK. It's not, we have to come up with alot more money to get a home study redone and all our documents redone, because we moved to BC and because our paperwork will expire soon. It's just like starting over, except that we have a place in line. We then have to come up with travel money twice, vaccine money, post placement money and we still won't have a child for a long time. The well is dry and I don't know what to do. When we started this adoption I was in Real Estate and although we didn't make millions, I would get nice cheques to cover all these extras, but now I don't have those anymore and I really don't know what to do.

I know I can go back to Real Estate but the amount of debt Real Estate has placed on us over the years is not worth it. I keep telling myself we will figure it out, but what are we suppose to do. I know we could go to the bank to get a loan, but that well is going dry as well. there is just so much they are willing to give us. I keep telling myself that there has to be a cut off point, where we just can't go anymore, but the dream and hopes inside of us will not let us do it. I no longer feel like the end result will be us holding our son, I now feel that we will have to drop out because we won't have the money to keep going. We still have over a year (or more) to go and things have been changing all the time, and it's always more money, more wait. I hope and pray everyday that money will come, that we will be able to move ahead, that we will hold our son.....but I just don't know how.

So again, I ask
WHY did this happen
WHY are we still crying about this years after it should have been done
WHY can't someone else tell us what we need to do
and most of all
WHY CAN'T WE BE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!

49

2010-05-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

We received our May update today and it looks like our new number is 49. We are under the 50 mark, what a great feeling. I know there has been alot of speculation as to the "LIST" and if it's a good or bad thing to know our number on the "LIST", but I think it's great. Everytime our number goes down everyone gets excited. It makes it real and the fact that we actually know it's going down is making it more real every day.

Although i'm excited about the numbers going down the update also mentioned the rules of our first court date visit to Ethiopia. It looks like our visit will be very casual with no one on one time with the child as they don't want us to start bonding with the him. If we pass court during our visit we will get to meet him again and be allowed to provide him with a gift and photos but it won't be a long visit, again because they don't want us bonding just yet. I'm still struggling on a daily basis with this first visit, I mean, how the heck am I going to get through it with some sanity left over? But I know I will somehow find the strenght and soon after we will get to hold him and never let him go.

They also mentioned in the update the rules if we want to stay in Ethiopia with our son between court and visa, which can be anywhere between 4-6 mths we can but we would have to be completely on our own with no help from our agency as we would have to waive all their responsibilities, which will mean that if something happens back home we would not be able to leave or is something happens there we would be in a foreign country alone. I think that would a very hard thing to do, and not knowing how long it will be would tough as well. That be said, trust me, if I could afford to live there for 6 months and not work I would, but there is no way it can be done.

There are many things in this journey that will bring us down, twist us around, make us think we can't take anymore and often make us feel like we want to give up. But everyday is a new day, a one day closer to being a family. We all have to remember why we took this journey, what the end result will be, what we've been through and most of all how lucky we are to still be counting the days. Cheers to 49 and counting....:)

Missed it again.... 17 months

2010-04-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

We have reached 17months waiting for a referral. With all the excitment and changes in our lives it's come and gone and we didn't even realize. The good thing it that we are able to forget about it...never thought that would happen. Don't get me wrong, Kaysen is always on our minds but the wait is not. On to 18!

Road trip to BC

2010-04-28T09:53:00.001-07:00

I've been in my new home since Saturday evening and I LOVE IT. The scenery around my place is undescribable. (Pictures to follow)

On April 22nd 2010, my mom, dad and I brought Jake and Ziggy to the airport in Sudbury for their flight to Vancouver. Once they were all secured in the kennels, Maddux and I said our goodbyes to Mom and Dad and off we went to pick up my friend M. We were on the road by 10am and drove to Thunder Bay, arriving at 10:30pm. We got stopped just outside of Sudbury by some protesters. It was a bunch of native teenagers protesting the fact that they have to pay the new HST tax. I will refrain from saying anything else about that incident, except that it backed us up by one hour. Once in Thunder Bay, we got a room at the Landmark Hotel, quite shady, but it did the trick and got a few hours sleep.

We left day two at 7am, heading towards Winnipeg, MB. Just out of Thunder Bay I got pulled over for going 112km/h in a 90km/h and of course the police officer was kind enough to give me the full fine. Gotta love it. It did prevent me from going 10km over for the remainder of the trip, which is a miracle for me. We made it to Regina, SK on day 2 after a 14hr car ride. The prairies were nice and flat with a great speed limit of 110km/h, something we are not used to in Ontario. It was weird, I was staying at 110km most of the way because in my mind that was speeding...lol

Anyways, once in Regina we stayed at the Super 8, grabbed some food and went to sleep. We were on the road again by 7am and off we went, not knowing when we would stop that day.....well 17 hrs later I was home. Once in Calgary, AB we had a great little snow storm slow us down, but once we hit the mountains the weather cleared up and WOW was all that was said in the car for the next few hours. The view is unbelievable. Something everyone in the world should see at least once in their lives. So beautiful. The picture above is of one of the stops we made in the mountains to let Maddux stretch. Once in Kamloops, I dropped M off with a friend of hers and I kept going to Logan Lake, BC., our new home. I was a zombie by the time I got home. I hadn't seen my husband in 2 months but I just couldn't find the energy to get excited. Maddux was done as well...he was such a trooper during the road trip, never complained once just sat in the back seat and enjoyed the view. If it was Jake he would have drove me nuts with his crying, but not Maddux, he was a great road trip buddy.

The next morning we got up and I got to look out my window in the day time for the first time and OMG.... there are gorgeous views all around the house. We are situated on top of a hill in Logan Lake and everywhere you look it takes your breath away. From my picture window I get to see the snow capped rockies, and from our back deck I get to see more mountains...just amazing.

Chris then took me for a ride to Kamloops, which was also dark when I came through the night before and I couldn't believe it....I still can't believe how beautiful it is. If anyone reading this ever wants to experience such beauty just let me know as pictures cannot do it justice.

We have been exploring our little town since I got here, with daily walks and boy are my legs sore but I love it. It's quite a drive from Kamloops, 30 minutes but that is something that will get better with time. The peacefulness and beauty is definitely worth the drive.

Everywhere I look I picture our life with Kaysen and it's something I can't wait to share.

When we lived in Sudbury we really didn't have anything to show guest when they came but it's a whole different story here, there is so much to see that it will take more than one visit.

I am loving it here and don't regret the move at all. The cross country drive was something I'm happy I experienced, but not something I ever need to do again. I think every Canadian should do it as it's amazing to see the difference from one Province to the next. I'm now going to have to plan a trip to do the East side of the country, but first I have lots to explore around here.

Yay to our new adventure, and Yay to being together as a family again.

6 yrs ago today....

2010-04-28T09:40:00.001-07:00

I married my best friend. I never knew our love could get better and grow stronger every year but it does. I can't even imagine what it will be like for years to come. We have been through quite a few adventures in our years together and what a great way to start year 7, in a new town and new province.

Cheers to many more years together as a family. xoxox

Happy Birthday Dad

2010-04-19T06:51:00.000-07:00

I wanted to wish my father a wonderful birthday today. On this day I would also like to thank you for being my dad. The lessons in life I learnt from you have been something I cherish on a daily basis. Your love and support is always reassuring. Your strenght has lifted me up many times in my life, I thank god everyday that you are my father. I hope you enjoy this year more than the last year and that everyday brings you new adventures.
I love you very much. xoxox

You will be missed, Charlie

2010-04-12T19:11:00.001-07:00

It's a sad day for the Fournier/Beaudry household today. Our sweet dog Charlie has passed away. Charlie has been a member of our family for the last 12 1/2 years. He was a sweet dog that brought us smiles on a daily basis. His crooked smile will never be forgotten. Thank you being such a sweet dog Charles, you will truly missed by us all. I hope your new journey will be full of fields for you to run in, full of friends to play with and full of piece and pain free. We love you.

Here are a few pics I have of Charlie.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Rededication....to my wonderful husband

2010-04-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

EDIT***I had dedicated a Celine Dion song (song for you) to Chris, yesterday but this one says it much better....and he'll like it better as well.

This song is dedicated to my husband, it describes the way I feel about you. You are my strenght, my half, you are everything to me. I love you and thank God everyday for the gift of having you in my life.

I hope to sing this song while putting our precious son to bed someday.

I love you

Two Trips

2010-04-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

We received the email yesterday that confirmed we must travel to Ethiopia twice. The Ethiopian courts have decided it's best for the children for us to meet them before we become legally theirs and then to leave them, only to come back a few months later to pick them up.

Seeing as I have a million things on my mind, like packing, driving cross country (Maddux is way to frightful to take the flight, Ziggy and Jake are still flying) and settling into my new life in BC that stressing about this now is not at the top of my list. I know it will be the hardest thing I will do, leaving him there, but if that's what it takes for us to be a family, I'll do what I have to do. It will be the biggest test of my inner strenght, something I will need alot of to become a mother.

16

2010-03-31T05:25:00.000-07:00

With all the excitement of booking my tickets I completely forgot to write about our 16th month. It's come and passed and I wasn't dwelling on it. It's not a bad thing but it still isn't fun.

On to the next....

Booked

2010-03-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

I officially booked our tickets today. Jake and Maddux fly out on April 22nd, Ziggy and I on the 26th. The airline only allows two animals per plane so Jake and Maddux will go first and I will bring Ziggy with me when I go. I'm sick to my stomach thinking of them all sitting in a dark plane cargo for hours but if not they would be stuck in my small Civic for a 4 day drive, which would be more like 6 with the dogs. I've been reassured by many that they will be okay but it makes me very nervous.

I can't wait to see Chris and move into our new home. It is so exciting to think we are begining a new life in a new town and new province. This is something I would have never seen coming.

It feels official now and it's a good feeling. This weekend I start packing , not sure where to begin but it should be a productive few days.

Cheque is in the mail

2010-03-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

I sent in the final installment payment to Imagine this morning. It was strange as everytime i've sent them a cheque in the past I felt a surge of excitment and hope. But today I just drop it off as if it was just any other piece of mail. No excitment, not thinging about it more than that, no extra hope, just nothing.
I'm guessing it's caused by knowing what "loss of hope" feels like and having to get through so many disappointments that i've become somewhat numb to certain things that would normally excite me. I find it sad to feel that way, this should have been an exciting day but with the latest increase in disappointment every few weeks it's hard to stay focused.
Needless to say, the cheque is in the mail, the final installment is paid and now we wait for some news. Here's hoping the next payment I send to them is the post referral payment and we are that much closer to our son.

EDIT*** I received a question from this post that I would like to clarify. My dear blogger friend asked what I meant by Post referral payment? What I meant by that is the money we have to pay to the agency for Post placement updates. This payment is to pay for all paperwork and work needed by Imagine to send in our post placement updates to the country. When we signed up we payed all our fees except for that one as it was only due after referral. I'm not too sure if this payment is no longer required but I would assume it is. Sorry for making anyone panick, I would go nuts too if I read I needed to come up with more money. That's all we've been doing lately...more money...no advance.

Saying Goodbye.

2010-03-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

Baby Owen at 8mths old

My brother, Denis, his wife, Laura, and baby Owen just left from a weekend visit. It was nice to have them over and even better now that the house is sold and I didn't have to worry about it. We had a great time together but of course it wasn't long enough.

Denis walking the baby and dog, Kylie

Today as they were leaving it really hit me that I won't see them regularly anymore. I'll get to see them again before I leave but once i'm moved it will be only a few times a year if we are lucky. It's so strange to be so excited to start a new life in a new place but yet it's so hard to say goodbye to the part I wish I could take with me.

Matante Nat enjoying a visit with Owen and a few laughs.

Baby Owen is almost 10 months old now and he has grown up so much (as you can all see from the cute pictures) and he will grow up without me being close which I find so hard. We had so many plans to have Kaysen and Owen hang out, but with Kaysen's delay and my moving all plans have changed. One thing I promise is to still know my nephew and have Kaysen know my brother and his family. Whether through Skype, or visits they will know each other if we all make an effort.

How cute is that smile?!

I know moving is the best thing for our family, and being with Chris is the most important thing but it's still really hard to leave all that you know and most of all leaving your loved ones behind.

Thanks again for the wonderful visit Den, Laura and Baby Owen. I know it's not easy traveling with a little one and I appreciate the visit more than you will ever know.

I love you all very much and will miss you greatly. I sure can't wait for your visit to our new home. xoxoxo

Our cool boy, Baby O

SOLD SOLD SOLD

2010-03-18T13:15:00.001-07:00

Our house if officially SOLD...YAYYYYYYY We are so excited. We will be moving at the end of April and starting our new life in BC. I can't believe it, this is such great news. Great news that we deserved...if I do say so myself. I haven't posted anything about our offer because I was so worried that it wouldn't happen if I said something but today the buyers removed the conditions and we are good to go.

I'm still shaking from excitement. Chris found us a home on Friday as well so we are just waiting for the final word from the bank and we will be new home owners in Logan Lake BC, which is approx. 30min from Kamloops. We found a super home for an even more super price. We will have to travel to get to work but it's worth the 100000$ we saved by purchasing out of the city.

I can't wait to see my sister and her family and be close to them again. I'm sad to be leaving my brother and his family but I will be coming to see them as often as I can and vow to still know my nephew Owen.

Logan Lake scenery

This Ones Really Hard to Swallow

2010-03-12T04:55:00.000-08:00

I'm still trying to figure out how I will move on with this latest news and learn to accept it.

It seems some adoptive parents out there have gone to Ethiopia to pick up their children only to change their minds and leave them their. Making these children unavailable for adoption as their completed adoption cannot be revoked. They would sadly have to stay in the system forever.

What this has done is somewhat forced the government to look at changing the rules for picking up your children. What they are now wanting is that we go to Ethiopia, meet our child, make a decision to continue, represent ourselves in court as his/her future parents and then leave, come home wait for the Visa to be approved and go back to pick the child up. Yep, two trips, one of them leaving our child behind. I know there are many countries out there that have this procedure in place for adoptions. However, when we looked at all the countries out there, the one visit factor had a major impact on our decision.

I know myself and know that I will NOT be able to leave Kaysen behind. After waiting years and years and years to finally see him, hold him, feed him, physically love him instead of just in my heart, there is NO WAY i'll be able to leave. Leave him in the care of others, take a 16 hrs flight home without him; live months at home without him; and wait everyday on pins and needles waiting to get the call to go back get him. I just can't wrap my head around it and I'm not sure if I ever will.

Every let down we have been through so far, including the bankruptcy, has been something we have somehow been able to find strenght and get through. But this I don't think so. I'll be okay for now, but when the time comes I honestly don't know how I will do it.

How a parent can change their minds at the last minute and leave them there is unimaginable to me and I feel so sad for the children left behind. I also completely understand why they would want to protect the children and know that I will want to stay to protect my child once he is legally mine and will not want to leave.

Every few weeks there is a new disappointment. A large part of me just wants to give up. I won't give up, but I want to. I can't hurt anymore, I just want to be happy. As Chris said yesterday, there is no way we would ever forgive ourselves for taking the easy way out and giving up but the thought at this point seems like the only way to stop the hurt.

We always imagine the day we will finally get to hold our son and bring him home, which is what keeps us going from day to day. Now knowing we have to leave him will make it so much harder but our love for each other, our family and our son will keep us going, on the thought of someday FINALLY BEING TOGETHER AS ONE.

I ask the question again. WHY?

Can't take much more....

2010-03-05T07:56:00.000-08:00

We received an update today from Imagine. Looks like the referrals will be slowing down in the next few months as MOWA has decided to no longer issue adoption letters for certain regions of Ethiopia to try and discourage parents relinquishing their rights.
Well wouldn't you know it, we are working with 4 orphanages and 3 of the 4 are in the regions they have decided not to approve....:(

I just don't understand how much more we are suppose to take. I know I will have people saying..." it's only temporary" "stay positive" and so on... but save it, today I'm disappointed discouraged, wanting to give up. Chris and I have been through so much in wanting to start a family. Why is it so hard? We got through the bankruptcy, and I was very reserved in getting excited again. Then the referrals started, and of course my hopes were up again....and now this. I feel it would be so much easier to say "I'm done, let's move on" but my heart would never let it happen.

WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!