SCARED

I'm sure i'm not the only one feeling scared right now and I don't necessarily feel like posting about it, but I do want my feelings of the journey in this blog so here it is.

I'm so scared for the next two weeks to come along. I'm hoping more than anything that things go our way and that our adoption continues, but everyday the ball of yuck in my stomach is getting bigger and bigger and I just want to throw up. I'm so scared that it won't be what we want and hope for. What happens then? I know, I know, i'm suppose to stay positive, but it's normal human motherly nature to think "What if", what will I do? How will I cope? Will that be it? Do we start over? Do we go another direction? I don't want to have to answer any of these questions, I just want my son, is that too much to ask?

The closer we get to an answer the farther I want to be. It's like I wish I had another few months to process the "What if?" but yet I want a few weeks to go by incase it is good news. My mind is so confused right now.

As mentioned in my last post, I've been really busy which is great but everyday it's a struggle to get up and work and stay busy, when what I really want to do is just lay in bed and hug my Kaysen bear (which I haven't slept without since).

I know I will get through the next few weeks and I know we will figure it out at that time as to what to do next but I just don't want to deal with it.....

Work, work, work

I know i'm not posting much lately but it's not because I don't want to, it's that I can't find the time. I've been going hard with the new job and love being as busy as I am. The best part of it all is how fast the time is going. Already two weeks have gone by and we only have another two weeks for the restructing plan to be completed. As of the meeting the Trustees/Inspectors for BDO Dunwoody had today they are still on track to present a plan to the courts/government by the end of the month. We been in this for 1 1/2 years whats another 2 weeks to find out what's next.

Hope is definitely keeping me going from day to day and I still can't even imagine what I'll do if things don't go as planned but that is not what we are living with right now. Chris is doing ok as well, he is such a strong man and without him this would have been unbearable. He is my rock and I thank God every day for him. We both want to be parents more than anything in the world and often wonder why this is all happening to us, why can't we be lucky and have the easy road of others but everybody has their own story as to how their family became whole, ours will just be a heck of lot longer to tell.

Anyways, thank you all so much for the support and encouragement. We really appreciate it all.

PS. I would like to congratulate Rana and Yvan on the referral of their son, Ade, you were so strong through your wait and to see you so happy is such a great thing to see. I can't wait to see what the little guy looks like.

Our Journey Continues...

After a few weeks of sitting around trying to figure out what our next move is, as well as how to deal with this awful situation, I have decided to come back and keep our journey going. There have been meetings in the last week that have given us all hope and within the next month we will know what is to happen. We have not given up on Kaysen at all and feel that our journey to him is still going. Until we hear differently this blog will keep documenting our everyday lives, good times and bad times. As mentioned before, this blog has always been written with Kaysen in mind, therefore although we are going through some rough roads in our journey they will be documented in a way that when Kaysen reads it later on in his life he will get to see how strong we all were, working together to get him home. Although at times I have felt like it was over, Chris has never doubted the end and that is why we are stronger today. Our son is waiting for us, it may be a little tougher to get to him but we will someday, somehow and we keep wondering "why" but I think once we finally get to bring him home we will all understand why and appreciate him all the more.

Thank you all for your support over the last few weeks.

Here's to the light that is still bright at the end of the road....!!!!!!

One last thing.

I must try all I can, and I ask you to please do all you can, please sign the petition below, and once you have signed it, please send it to your friends and family. I thank you all for your support and can't give up on continuing my journey to Kaysen.

Please note: after you sign it will take you to donation page, you simply skip the donation or x out, no money is needed.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SaveOurDreamofAdoptingInternatio/index.html


Our article of awareness in the Sudbury Star,

http://www.thesudburystar.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1658769

http://www.thesudburystar.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1658769

Letter to my son.

I really don't have much reason to write this post as everyone out there knows that our agency filed for bankrupcy and closed it's doors on Monday July 13th 2009, however this blog was created for my son and for him I am writing this post today. I am not sure where this journey will go, however I feel in my heart that my son is still waiting for me out there somewhere in Ethiopia. Why not start over you may ask? Because my son, Kaysen, is in Ethiopia, he is no where else other than my heart and I can only hope and pray that someday, some how he will be in my arms but if that doesn't happen I must face it and move on....somehow. I know I shouldn't give up and part of me is still fighting strong, but the other half needs to write this letter.

My dearest Kaysen,
I am so sorry that we were not able to meet, that your daddy and I were not able to bring you home and give you the life you deserve. Although I will never have a face to attach to the bond in my heart, please now that we love you so much. We are struggling to keep hope and keep faith but it's hard. Our hearts are broken and we are not sure how to let go. Part of us will never let you go and hopefully some miracle will happen and we will be together some day. I have been dreaming of you for the last year and half, you are what kept me going from day to day, dreaming of someday being a mom. I don't understand why this is happening to us and more importantly to you. We have always believed you were meant to be ours and Iwant you to know that in our hearts you will always be ours. No other child will replace you as you were meant for us. I can only hope that you do get a nice home and family to love you as much as we do and that you will grow to be someone special. My dreams of becoming a mother have been left in Ethiopia with you, and if you are out there, and are meant to come home to us, please be strong and know that we are doing everything we can to get you. You are a very large part of my life and although some may not understand as they feel I have not seen you yet, you are my son, and I will always tell people the story of my son. I am trying to stay strong and I can assure you that part of me will never let you go. I dont want to give up, but I just want the pain to go away, i have pain in my heart since this journey began, longing to have you home and i'm just so tired of the pain. I promise you that I will keep praying and keep faith that we will be together someday but please, please know that we love you so much and will never be whole without you in our lives.

Love your mommy and daddy. xoxoxox


PLEASE NOTE: I will not be posting anything for awhile as this journey was for Kaysen, should the circumstances change and our journey get back on track so will this blog. I thank you all for your support and do hope with all my heart to be posting again soon. My thoughts and prayers are with all the families out there that are affected. May you find your way to your children as I hope to somehow find my way as well.

Please pray for us

As many of you know, we found out yesterday that our adoption agency as gone bankrupt and the adoption process has stopped. I'm not in any situation to explain in detail at the moment so if you want details please follow the link below, but i'm writing to simply as that you all pray for Chris and I, as that is all I can hope for right now.
Thank you

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/adoption-agencys-bankruptcy-devastates-families/article1217223/

Dallas trip so far.

I arrived yesterday and got to meet the crew, they are all super nice and welcoming. Almost like a family feel, it's great. Althought i've had a few to many mojitos

but I have met some amazing people. I think this position is great for me and it will only get better.

Have a great week everyone.

Off to Dallas

Tomorrow I will be heading towards to Toronto and flying out to Dallas TX on Tuesday morning, I will be in Dallas for the week for a Summer Sales Meeting with my new company and then a Sales Academy for a few days. I'll be returning on the 14th and then off again on the 18th to Florida. I hope to get to see some of the city while i'm there as I hear I'll be pretty busy most of the time with meetings. I'll take pics of what I can and will post when I can. I hope you all have a great 2 1/2 weeks. I hope to hear of more referrals and Visas/travel while i'm away.

Dallas Skyline

Adoptive Mothers

I was cleaning my office today and came across this great piece , so I thought I would share with you all.

Adoptive Mothers

Being an adoptiove mother is not for every woman. She must possess not only the natural mother instrinct but an understanding and appreciation of the situation that brought a child into her amrs making her a mother. The adoptive family comes to be by choices made, choices made by the first parents and by the adoptive parents. The bond the adoptive mother has with her child grows over time, just like the child grew within his first mother's womb.

Day by day, touch by touch, with each tear, kiss and memory made they become a family. Adoptive mothers have that special knack to let love grow.

Adoptive mothers know that they are a mender of wounds, not just of the physical skinned knees with a band-aid and a kiss, but of the heart as well. They give love, acceptance, and permission to ask and talk to their child about the day they were born and of their first family.

Adoptive motehrs are embracers, not only of the child with many hugs and kisses, but of the child's heritage and history. They embrace the facts of their child's past with strength for themselves and their child. They are not only memory makers planning family vacations, activities and birthday parties, but are also memory keepers.

They are a tier of shoelaces and hearts. They weave lives together into a tapestry of a new family, with many different brightly colored threards showcasing their individualities and family orgins. Together they create one unit attached to each other.

Adoptive mothers are experts at finding lost objects, but understand and validate the profound deep loss left by adoption. They allow the tears to fall and grief to be felt, allowing the mounrning of the family that is no longer there. They are secure in knowing that they are not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer.

This role is not for the weak spirit, or the easily wounded. Loving a child not born to her but calling him her own, as this is what she does, it is her calling....She is a MOTHER.

Michael Jackson----RIP

(August 29 1958 - June 25th 2009)

On June 25th 2009 a music icon passed away. Although Michael has made some bad choices in his life and has been accused of horrible horrible acts, he must also be remember for the music Icon he was. There has never been another Michael Jackson and there never will be. His infulence on music, generation after generation is something only someone with a true gift can provide. Unfortunately with the gain of fame came a loss of oneself. I feel for his children and hope they will be treated as individuals in the years to come. No doubt that he became strange as the years went on, but the music and gift was and will always be there.

RIP Michael, you will always be remembered.

7 Months....

Wow, 7 months, I remember being at 1 week and wishing I was at 6-7 months and here I am. When I started waiting I was suppose to be getting a referral around 8-9 months but now it looks like it will be closer to 12 months before we get a referral, so 7 months is only an another month, although it's another month come and gone it's still only another month. I'm still in a great place with the adoption but find myself struggling when I'm with my new nephew Owen. I love him like crazy but he brings up alot of emotions that I thought I had over come. He will help me get stronger as the months go by and I just have to keep telling my self that my time will come.... some day.

Here are a few pics from my last visit.

Baby Owen sleeping.

Matante Nat and Baby Owen resting.

Here I am with Maddux, relaxing on a great summer deck

Girls Weekend with Stephanie

This past weekend I went to Toronto to meet up with my friend Steph, a friend I met on this wonderful journey and I have I now have for life. Although this is one of the hardest things I've been through in my life meeting friends like Steph and many others have made it special. It was so nice to meet someone and be able to just be ourselves right from the start, as if we have known each other our whole lives. Thank you Steph for a great weekend and for being such a great and dear friend. Love ya.

Here we are just leaving to go shopping. Getting ready to leave for dinner, it was Steph's birthday. We went to the Mandorin it was yummmmmy. Steph, disappointed that she didn't get her birthday cake and song....

Steph, two seconds later, with her birthday cake, however they did miss the song.

Here we are shopping for a stuffy that match for our future children, they are great as we can now name a star after them.

We did ALOT of shopping, had some great food went to a movie and just had lots of laughter, fun and chatting. Something we must do again soon.

Introducing Owen Lucas Beaudry

Last Saturday, June 6th 2009 at 12:54pm my nephew Owen Lucas Beaudry was born weighing 7.12 lbs measuring 51 cm. He has redish hair and so far big blue eyes. My sister and I drove down and got to see him when he was about 5 hrs old. He is super cute and although it was a very hard day emotionally and I wanted my son more than anything, I have gotten through it and now miss Owen every day. I can't wait to see him again next weekend. Here are some pics of the little one. Enjoy.

Ren and I leaving to go see him.

Matante Renee holding Owen for the first time.

Matante Nat holding baby Owen for the first time. His eyes were open the whole day that day.

The happy family. My brother Denis and sister in law Laura. Congrats to you both and thank you for the nephew.

Proud Memere holding Owen, look how small he is.

Proud Pepere holding Owen and wearing his Grandpa hat and tshirt. He is so cute.

Our first sight of Owen.

3 generations of Beaudry men. Owen will be the first Beaudry of this generation to carry on the Beaudry name. Look how proud my dad looks. I just love it.

This is Owen the second day, all he did was sleep, it was to exciting for him on the first day.

The siblings with baby Owen. (sorry for cutting off part of your head Den)

May 31st 2009 "SNOW DAY"

i'm a little behind on my posts so here is a quick update of life this past month.
On May 31st we woke up to snow....YEP I SAID SNOW, big fluffy snow. Here are some pics.

Maddux in his glory, he rolled and rolled and rolled.

View from the back fence. (that is my new deck you are seeing as well)

View from patio doors. It was depressing but was all gone by mid morning.

Maddux

I've had some inquiries about my dog Maddux and his recovery. We have been so busy lately with the new job, travelling, renovating and taking care of Maddux that I haven't had the time to post. First off, I would like to thank you for your concerns and comments of well wishes. So far he is recovery nicely, it's been a large inconvenience to the whole family as he can't go up stairs therefor one of us has to stay with him on the main floor every night, I'm hoping to be able to sleep in the same bed as my husband again someday...lol we are now at 5 weeks post op and only have 3 months to go before our life is somewhat back to normal. He will be going in for xrays in 3 weeks to see how the bone is healing. It's hard to see him confined to an area all time as he was such an active dog, but Ziggy keeps him occupied and us worried by playing with him.

So that's my update for now. Thanks again for asking.

Baby Beaudry is coming today!!!!!!!

Today is the day my brother's son will be born. My sister in law went into labour last night, just after midnight and is now 8cm dialated (11am) so he should be here shortly. My parents left early this morning as he lives 3 hrs away and my sister and I will be leaving this afternoon. This is the first nephew on my side of the family and the first baby on our side in 13 yrs, so it's pretty exciting. I can't wait to meet little Owen Beaudry.

Happy Birthday little man, matante is on her way. xoxoxo

Jess and Evan and Owen

I'm back home now and so much is going on. I got back last night and stopped over at my brothers house hoping my nephew Owen would be born. My poor sister in law Laura is just sitting around waiting for him to come out and being her first child, she is literally sitting around waiting for something to happen but she isn't sure what she is waiting for. I sure hope she doesn't have to wait much longer. It breaks my heart that I won't be able to go see him right away if he is born this week as i'm working a long week this week and would only be able to go on next Sunday. The one good thing with that is that everyone else will have had their turn and Owen would be all mine...!!!
As i'm about to welcome a new nephew i'm also saying goodbye to my eldest niece Jessyka, she and her boyfriend Evan, who i've talked about in previous post, are leaving in the AM and moving to Edmonton which is where Evan is based with the military, they bought a condo and will be taking possession this week. It is so hard to see her go and i'm worried and hoping she will be okay but knowing she will be with such an amazing human being is making me feel better. I have never met anyone like Evan and feel lucky that he is the one that she will be starting her life with. I wish them all the luck in the world in starting their life together and look forward to visiting soon. It's so hard to see her go, i've been a part of her life since birth and love her dearly. We are a very close family and although I feel she is too young I think it's a selfish thought on my part as I just wish they wouldn't ever grow up. I still picture her first day of school, or our first weekend together when she was just a week or so old. Time flies and i'm proud of her accomplishments, I just wish I hadn't taken her time here for granted. Note to self with Kaysen, don't take him for granted as time goes by too fast and next thing you know it will be his turn.

I love you Jess and hope you know we will always be here for you and Evan if ever you need ANYTHING and please please please be careful....xoxoxoox

Meeting Laura

I'm still here in Winnipeg and so far the week has been good. But this evening it got even better as I got to meet up with Laura, a fellow blogger. She picked me up after dinner for a tea and dessert and a nice chat. It's so great to meet people I only speak to online. The fellow bloggers I have gotten to know have become a large part of this journey. They are the people we look to for support, the ones we look to for understand and alot have become great friends and although I have only spoken to Laura by email and blogging it was as if I knew her for a long time. Our common bond makes it a comfortable situation and it's something I feel with many of you. I thank you all for that comfortable feeling and thank you Laura for taking the time to meet up with me. I hope to see you again soon.

Here are some pics of our meeting. She took me to "The Forks" which is where two rivers join in Winnipeg and some of the area was still flooded from the big flood they had this spring.

We took a great picture of the two of us but my computer isn't uploading very well with this hotel internet connection so I'll have to add them when I get back home. Stay tuned.....

This is the walkway we were suppose to take a walk on, as you can see it's still flooded.

Laura and I

6 MONTHS YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE HAVE HIT THE 6 MONTH MARK!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, I can't believe we are at 6 months. Has been a fun and fast 6 months, absolutely not, but we made it and it feels amazing. Can we do another 6 months, I'm guessing we can. I sooooooo hoping this is the half way mark for, or even better passed the half way mark. This month zoomed by again, I so hope this continues for the next few months as well.