It's a GO.

We received word today that 246 families have sent in their money and we are on to the next step. A large weight has been lifted, our son WILL be home someday and we WILL all get through this.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement and most of all for understanding what we have been going thought.
The waiting continues, but in this case it's a great thing.

One Year ago today

I was the happiest person in the world. I was floating around the house knowing that in less than a year I would finally know what my son looks like, I would finally be able to say i'm a mom and this is my son.....fast forward to today....no picture, not a mother.

This past year has been a year of emotional up and downs, I had rough months in the begining of the year but I got passed them knowing it would soon end. and then the bankruptcy happened and really shook things up, I went from the happiest moment to the lowest moment of my life. It's been a rough few months and the adoption is back on....well hopefully anyways. I know it sounds like i'm not excited about it, but my insides won't allow me to get excited. Although I know I must believe that it will all work out, my subconsciousness is not allowing me to accept it. Hopefully we will find out by next week if all is okay and maybe then I'll be excited again but till then I just go on. Day by day.

The bankruptcy not only stole my child, my money and my mental state but it also made me lose the excitement I had for the adoption journey. I honestly just want the end to be here. I don't want it to be the end as in no Kaysen, just the end as in we are all home and safe and we can place all this "fun" stuff behind us.

So sorry for the buzz kill of a post today but although it's been a year and we should be celebrating, I am not feeling like celebrating.

OFF IT GOES

I got to go to the bank this afternoon and get my retainer and money out to the new "Imagine Adoption" I made sure to send it express post with a signature requiried to assure it gets to the right place. I remember the last time I sent money to imagine, it was for the dossier to leave for Ethiopia. I remember leaving the bank and post office with a large smile on my face excited for the year to come. Boy, was it different today, no excitement just fear and nervousness.

PLEASE, PLEASE LET IT ALL WORK OUT FOR US ALL

Another Great Women's World Quote

Yesterday was a strange day for me, I left for work in the am. Upon my return I got everything ready to send off the retainer, all that was missing was the cheque...kind of the important part. So off I go to the bank and it's CLOSED (rememberance day) well at that moment my mood completly changed from good to horrible, and ready to cry. Such a large influx of emotions, I understand why we have to do what we have to do but I can't wrap my head around "WHY" this inner pain of wanting to be a mother is sooooo hard to heal. Why the extra steps to get to what we want when so many others don't even have to think about it and bam...they are parents.
Anyways enough self pity this morning. I was reading my weekly dose of Women's World and read this quote this morning, I thought I would share.

"Your dreams are right around the corner! Sure, you've had your share of worries lately. But sooner than you think, they'll be far behind you. And yes, you've faced challenges--but you're meeting them. In fact, nothing can stand in your way for long, because you have what it takes not only to survive, but to thrive! Just keep going. Success is so close!"

What a great encouraging message just when I needed it. So now, today is the day I will get everything sent off.

Remberance Day

Thank you to all the soldiers that have and are currently risking their lives and their normal everyday life to make ours and others better.

Retainer Agreement fears

I received the email from the "New Imagine Adoption" yesterday that included the new retainer fee to work with the new agency and with it came many fears. It's like all the hope i've had for the last few months is dangling on a string. I am trying hard to stay positive but I can't help but wonder what if? What would I do? Starting over is something I can't even imagine right now.
I hope and pray that all or most of the voters will pay the money and send in the agreement by the end of the month. They will let us know after November 30th if we have enough money to keep going. I so hope they give us the opportunity to come up with the missing money if there isn't enough.
Sorry that this is a negative post when i'm trying so hard to be positive but my protective side is taking over and is trying to get prepared.

I ask all out there that voted "YES" to please send in your agreement as soon as possible to allow us to get to the next step.

Hacked

hacked, hack·ing, hacks
v.tr.
1. To cut or chop with repeated and irregular blows: hacked down the saplings.
2. To break up the surface of (soil).
3.
a. Informal To alter (a computer program): hacked her text editor to read HTML.
b. To gain access to (a computer file or network) illegally or without authorization: hacked the firm's personnel database.
4. Slang To cut or mutilate as if by hacking: hacked millions off the budget.
5. Slang To cope with successfully; manage: couldn't hack a second job.


I would first like to start this post by saying Sorry to all out there that received an email from me in the last few days saying I was in the UK, stranded and needed money. I am not in the UK i'm in my basement in good old Northern Ontario and did not send the email. Last week I received an email from Yahoo saying they needed confirmation that I use the account, after questioning it, I said "What harm could it do? " and after a large brain fart I replied to the message. Well the worst that could happen did happen, they took control of my email account, all my messages, contacts everything gone. I can't retrieve them, they are gone. It also took access to all that is associated with my old yahoo account, such as the yahoo group and facebook. Thank god it didn't take this one. I'm surprised as it was with the same email but I'm happy it didn't. So again, i'm really sorry if I worried anyone or made any wonder, but thank you to all who came calling...I now know who to call if I need money...lol

I have created a new facebook account under the name Natalie Beaudry Fournier and I have yet to regain access to the yahoo group, so until then I will depend on all of you for the latest updates.

Hope you all have a good week.

Birthday cake

The more goo the better....yummy!

Every year I get an ice cream cake on my birthday and this year was no different. Chris sang happy birthday for me and here is the cake and all the cards I came home to yesterday. There is also the biggy bank I got from my secret pal with an Ethiopian ribbon. Thank you all so much. xoxoxo

11 months

WOW.....I missed it. Goes to show you how crazy my life has been lately. Definitely doesn't mean I don't think of Kaysen everyday, I guess i'm just not sitting at home counting the days. Next month is the big one...oh have things changed since this time last year

Another year down, how many to go

Today I turn 33. Although I felt like I would be alone, well Chris and I only (sorry I think we are one sometimes) I came home yesterday to a whole lot of love in the mail. Thank you all for making me feel so special and loved. I do wish my family was around but your thoughtfulness was perfect.

To another year, may the next year bring me my son!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leaving on a Jet Plane.....

Off to Toronto I go. Chris and I have been in Thunder Bay since Sunday and today I fly out to Toronto to catch a flight to Nashville and he is driving back home. I will be in Nashville for a week for some training for work. I do hope to get to see some of Nashville as we usually don't really go anywhere during our training. I get back home on Oct 30th and then my bday on the 31st and then back at it on the Nov 2nd, busy, busy, busy.

We did get an update this week from the new agency and it looks like things are moving along right where they should be. Some staff has been hired, the licence application has been sent, and the paperwork has been started. They have also started making plans to travel to Ethiopia and get working on the orphanage relationships that have to be rebuilt. The great news is that the orphanages that weren't getting paid due to the bankruptcy have now been paid and the children are taken care of.

I know I haven't been posting much lately, and it's because I don't have much to say. Life is busy, there is a long wait ahead and it's sometimes easier not to write about it. I have also been staying clear of blogs. Not because I don't care because I do, very much, but again sometimes it's just easier. I hope you all understand.

Congratulations

A dear friend of mine received her referral yesterday and although she has not yet announced it to the world I wanted to express my CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!! You know who you are. Can't wait to meet the new addition and hear more.

Gone far far away

This post is one week over due. Last week was a mixed emotions week for me. The life I have known for 33 yrs was changed forever.

First thing was that my parents left for their long awaiting trip to Arizona.


They have been planning to travel for their retirement for a very long time and after months of renovations, mess, emotions going crazy and all of us being so busy, they were finally able to leave for their first trip. Although they will be greatly missed, I am so happy and excited that they are doing what they said they were going to do and I know they will have a blast. They have already explored Tennessee and should be arriving in Arizona today sometime. I hope to be able to have the same opportunity to travel with Chris someday. I only have one message for them " Have fun, stop worrying about the kids, enjoy your time together. Every minute is precious and should not be taken for granted" We love you lots.

And the next day, my sister and her family moved far, far away to Kamloops BC, 4 days drive, 4 hours difference, far, far away.

Although I know in my heart that its the best thing for them and that they are ok, its so hard to know that I can't get in the car and go see them in 15min. I feel so helpless being so far away, I feel that I can't be there for them when I'm needed and i'm having a hard time adjusting to that. I know they are not my kids and my sister and brother in law are adults but it's hard to let go of the "always there" title when I can't be. We only had 2 weeks to digest the move and next thing you know they were gone. I wish that someday they will be back in our lives on a daily basis but I know that probably won't happen. They will be so missed and its hard to know that Kaysen won't be around to know his aunt/uncle/nieces. I have to keep telling myself this is not about ME and what I feel, it's about them and what best for them. It just doesn't make it easier. However, I do wish them all the luck in the world, I hope they all adjust to there new beginning and that they are all going to be ok. Our lives will not be same without them around but at least they are still around and not gone forever. They are just gone far, far away....

The new agency...

HAS PASSED COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is now official, the new agency will be up and running tomorrow.

We still have some milestones to get through before we are good to go, but one at a time is all we can ask for.

10 Months

What a fitting picture to celebrate the 10th month of waiting for our son to come home and the opening of new doors to our journey.

10 months down, 10 months less to go.

Pics of Owen

Here are a few pics of my nephew Owen he is now just under 4 months old... Yep he's a big boy, but sooooo cute.

My brother Denis with his big boy. Now you see where the eyes come from.

proud mommy (laura) with her BIG boy (he was just 3 mths here)


look at those eyes.... i miss him so much. xoxoox

Just thought of something.....happiness

Yesterday I made the long drive back from Thunder Bay to Sault Ste Marie (8hrs) only to end up in a VERY dumpy hotel, with no internet, and I thought the last one was bad. Needless to say it's my fault for not making prior arrangements. The one great thing about yesterday was the absolutely gorgeous sunset that travelled with me. If anyone out there is looking for a gorgeous scenic drive you must do the drive from Thunder Bay to Sault Ste Marie, it's absolutely gorgeous and I will make sure to have my camera the next time.

All the way back I was being careful not to encounter wildlife and did good, until I reached the hotel and there to greet me in the parking lot was a large moose, again no camera so no pic, but it was great. It actually chased some guy around a tree. Quite entertaining. Anyways, being exhausted I just wanted to get to bed, so I get into this room and check for bugs, I open the curtains, and about 6 large spiders are staring at me, they were on the other side of the glass but still....yuck, after an intense bug check I settled in, above the covers, and feel asleep....zzzzzz for like 10 min. then jumped out of bed...shaking, not knowing where the heck I was and scared to death. Well that describes my every hour for the next 6 hrs evening. So, as soon as it was morning, I got up, dressed and checked out. Being on the road is a blast so far..... lol After driving around for 30min trying to find a place with internet I found a cute coffee shop and have been sitting here for the last few hours....i'm sure they will be kicking me out very soon. They will think I'm homeless or something...lol

Anyways, to get to what this post is actually about, as i'm sitting here trying to wake up I realized that I am now free to think about Kaysen (not that I ever stopped) to speak about him and his coming home someday and even more importantly I can start retail therapy again....yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. I will have to go through all is stuff to see what I have but at least I can look again, even if I don't buy as i'm sure Chris will tell me "he has enough". It will just feel good to be able to look again.

As I was driving yesterday I realized i'm finally happy again, it's been months since I could say that I was actually happy. All I wanted to do was be happy enough to be able to dance freely again (by myself as I look rediculous) but once I get home I will definitely get the dogs together and have a dance..................thank god for the great inside feeling again.

Okay, enough babbling.....you know what, it also feels great to blog again....

Lonely

Wow, 2 posts in one day.

Although we had GREAT news this week, we also got sad news. My sister and her family will be moving in 2 weeks to Kamloops BC, they are currently 15 min away and will now be 4 days away. I try not to think of it to much, which is why this will be a short post. But they will be missed. They were always there and now they won't be. On top of that, my parents are leaving for 2 months to go to Arizona, as they are retired now and want to travel, so I will go from having all my family around to Chris and I. Thank god, my brother and his family will still be close by. I miss my nephew so much and I've only known him for a few months, I can't imagine how much I will miss my family.

I love you all very much, be careful, and don't forget how to use a phone....

GREAT NEWS

I'm a few days late with this news but only because i've been on the road and super busy. I also didn't really know how to feel or what to write. So as i'm sitting here in a very dumpy hotel in Thunder Bay 13 hrs away from home and waiting for my next appointment I figured I would give it a shot.

THE ADOPTION IS BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well that wasn't so hard...lol

My son, my dear son will eventually be home. We will have to wait a little longer, and we will have to financially invest a little more but who cares, my son will be home. A month ago, I had no confidence in the plan, not because I didn't want to believe but because my heart wouldn't allow me to believe. But my dear, sweet, amazing, husband never stopped, he has always stayed positive and kept sending me his positive energy and I thank him for that. I never knew our love could grow stronger but it did, he his my soul mate, my other half and without him I would not have gotten through it. Thank you for loving me and supporting me through good times and bad. I cannot imagine my life without you. xoxoxo

I am still scared to say he WILL come home as it was so hard to deal with thinking that he may not, but I will say it, HE WILL COME HOME and I WILL BELIEVE IT.

We have all been through a rough few months, and we all became bonded for life after this experience, but I want to thank you all, my adoptive families, for your amazing support. Even those that are not with IA but always there to try and help. I also appreciate the space everyone gave us to allow us to deal with this in our own way without pushing us to feel things we may not have been ready for.

My family, here at home, has been so supportive throughout all this, and I tend to forget that this was painful for them as well. I apologize for that. Without you to provide that shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen and sometimes that silent hug to let me cry, it would have been way more difficult. I thank you for that. You were able to be strong for Chris and I although you were hurting as well and you always remained positive in front of us. You were always there to go into Kaysens room for me when I couldn't and I never even thought of how hard it must be for you to go into his room, I just knew I couldn't do it. The words "Thank you" are definitely not enough to express the gratitude, so I vow to keep showing you everyday how appreciated you and what you did are.

I love you all very much, and thank you all very much.

oh yeah, one more thing,

KAYSEN WILL COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big day has come and gone

Well friday we received the proposal and all was well, should 51% of creditors vote yes by the end of the month the possibility of a restructure is very very good. We would be so blessed to have such a great thing come out of something so very bad. So the weekend was good and positive, but then, just when you think it will all be ok. Whammmmmm, down again, it looks like referrals for IA will not begin until April 2010, and will be on a schedule of 5 referrals for the first 6mths, 10 referrals a month for the 6 mths after (Oct 2010-Apr2011) and 15 per month for the remaining months. SOOOOOOO now again, i'm down. Don't get me wrong, I did say I would wait years and years as long as it was a sure thing and Kaysen would someday be home, but now that reality hit and it may be late 2010 early 2011 before we get him it's hard to swallow. I'm still thankful for the proposal, i'm just dealing with alot of guilt. Why did this have to happen? Why can't I be okay and not have to put my family through this? Why do I have to be almost 36 to be a mother? Why can't I just shut this off for a few years and turn it back on when needed? and the why's go on and on and on, and none of them have answers.

i know I can't control what has happened to us, and why i can't have bio children but it's just hard to understand. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to have Kaysen, I just want answers. I'm also struggling with knowing that Kaysen will more than likely be the only child for us, unless we get some miracle. I'm troubled that we are in a position of no choices, seeing as we are so emotionally and financially invested there is no other way or option.

I remember seeing other blogs with 23 months waiting for a referral and thought, OH MY GOD how do they do it? Well I guess we will find out. We have been waiting almost 6 yrs to start a family and we will be waiting some more..... I just wish it would end sooner. :(