TRUE FRIENDS

On Thanksgiving weekend, I finally got to meet someone I have wanted to meet for almost 3 years.
When I first began my adoption journey I received an email from another adoptive mother named Tammy. The bond I felt with this soon to be mother was something different. I knew from that first email she knew exactly what I was going through, the pain I felt and the emptiness inside was something we shared. Tammy was my first "adoption friend", a TRUE friend. Someone that I could only hope to meet someday but knew even if I didn't that we would be friends forever.
Over the years we have shared moments of pain, and moments of joy, including the arrival of her daughter Josina over a year ago. I also got to meet Josina and wow what a wonderful child she is. They are amazing with her and I can only hope to be as lucky someday.
Having moved to BC had given me a greater chance of meeting Tammy someday, she was one of the first people I told we were moving, in hopes that we could meet half way someday and this past weekend we were able to make it happen.
Luckly for me, Tammy has family that lives just over an hour away, and with her kindness and generousity she volunteered to pass some baby items on to us and bring them with her to her brother's home for me to pick up. Although Thanksgiving weekend was a crazy busy weekend for both of us we both made the time to meet and I am so happy we did. As soon as I saw Tammy I felt I was hugging someone I knew for a long long time. The bond I thought we had was there, and although we didn't have much time to sit and chat we did go out for a coffee and it was like I was chatting with an old friend.
She is truly as nice, kind and generous as I thought she was and luck for me I go to me her husband Sidney and hang out with Josina.
This meeting has opened up a new stage to our friendship and I can't wait to spend more time with my TRUE FOREVER FRIEND.
Thank you so much for always being there for me throughout the last couple of years. It's always been nice to know that I wasn't alone and that you always knew and felt what I was feeling. Your friendship is cherished everyday and I look forward to being FOREVER FRIENDS and discussing the joys and pains of motherhood with you. xo

Family Visit

I am slightly behind on my blog posts this month. So instead of writing a book I'll post alot of pics with small explanations....enjoy.

Mid Sept my mom and dad left Sudbury ON and took the long trip to come see my sister and I in BC. They have been here for over a month and it has been great. I definitely don't want to see them go. While they were here we did a few family trips in the area.
Our first one was an nice drive to Clearwater to see the waterfalls. I would never have imagined such beauty within a few hours drive. Take a look at what we saw.

Mom, Renee and I with my giant leaf

all of us

Ren showing us her new firm booty

Majestic

Dad and his girls

Mom and her girls

The next weekend we went for a local scenic drive and to Kelowna (sorry Alysia we were only there for a quick ride, I promise to let you know next time I'm there)

What a beautiful town Kelowna is, since i've moved here all I hear is "I don't like Kelowna" "Kelowna sucks" but wow, I would move to Kelowna it's SO beautiful, the scenery is definitely worth it. Yes there is more traffic then Kamloops but compared to Sudbury the traffic is nothing.


Then was thanksgiving weekend. On Saturday we decided to go to the Salmon Run in Chase. It was pretty neat to see. We had never seen it before and although there were many fish that had died it was quite interesting to see how many fish were there and how the whole cycle works.

there was always a male and female fish together and they were so bright red

Chris, Me, Renee and Pat

I know, we are super cute...thanks..

On Sunday we had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's. It was great having my parents there with us, I only wish my brother and his family could have joined us. This year we were thankful for family and friends. For having the opportunity to have started a new journey to becoming parents and for our health. Here are few pics of us celebrating together.

Danika, Samantha and Jessyka....beautiful girls

Ren and Pat

Memere and Jess

Enjoying good food and good company

We are coming near the end our my parents' visit and we are sad to see them go. However we have had a wonderful time with them and can't wait to see them again.
Have a safe trip to Arizona Mom and Dad, we hope to be able to go see you in your winter home this year. Thanks for the visit we love you.

OH...and I can't close this post without showing you all the new additions to the family. Miss Oreo and Muffin.

Miss Oreo

Muffin

We are waiting again.....Yay!!!!!

If you notice at the top of our blog you will notice that we have a new counter up there. A counter that will count the days to Quinten. YES....We are officially waiting again. Our dossier left this week and we are on the list awaiting baby Quinten. We are so excited. The next call we get should be THE call, the call that a birthmother has chosen us to take care of her child. To nuture, teach, love and support for the rest of his life. I can't even imagine how hard that decision will be for the birth family and I will always remember the gift that they have provided us. I can't wait for the day the call comes and I can end our adoption journey and begin our parenting journey.

You will also notice at the top of this blog that the counter for Ethiopia has stopped. I FINALLY sent the email to imagine this week and let Kaysen go, offically. It was much easier than I thought as my excitement for Quinten has taken over. Although our journey to E was and will always be a very large part of our lives our journey to Quinten is the new journey and we are more ready than ever to embark on it. After much sole searching I finally figured out that I was blending one adoption with the other. I kept saying "i've been adopting for years" but since i've changed that to "we tried adopting from E for years but have now began a new journey to Florida" and started looking at things completely seperate my feelings aren't so messed up. Our journey to parenthood has been years but our journey to Q has only been a few months.

I am sooooo excited and can't wait to jump every time the phone rings..!!!!!!!1

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

5 yrs Cancer Free!!! A time to celebrate

6 yrs ago we found out my sister was going to have to embark on the largest fight of her life. The fight against cancer, and today marks the day we celebrate that she is officially 5 yrs cancer free. YAHOOOOOO!!!
She has been such a strong fighter throughout her battle and an inspiration to us all. She often says how blessed she is to have her family and her life to live to the fullest everyday, however we are the ones that are blessed to have her.
She is always smiling and always knows how to make others around her feel loved and happy. She is an inspiration to me, she helps me to stay strong and keep fighting my own little fight. The devastation I felt when we received the news was unbearable, to think I might someday lose my sister, my friend is a thought I never want to think again. She is my best friend, my confident and someone I feel proud to say is my sister. I don't only get to say "Hey, I know Renee" I get to shout out to the world "Renee, is MY SISTER!!!"
I look forward to having her around when I have a family. She has been a wonderful mother to her three beautiful girls for 19 yrs now, and I can only hope and pray that I will be so loyal, trusting, and nurturing with my child.
I thank God everyday for not having taken her away. I need her now, and always. She brightens up my day and is one of only two people (my brother being the second) that has lived the same life as me and has been there for it all. She is always there to pick me up when I am down and to celebrate every milestone in my life.

I love you Renee, and feel blessed to have you. Thank you for being who you are and for being my big sister. xoxo

???

What is wrong with me? That's the familiar question i've been asking myself in the last few weeks. It seems everyday the pain inside is getting worse. I'm days away from finally getting word that we are "officially" waiting again, but i'm scared as ever. I keep saying i'm struggling inside, but I have no way to express what that struggle is. I wake up with pain. It's been gone for so long and now it's come back. Why did it come back?
I should be excited to be "officially" waiting again, so why am I so scared. I feel like history will somehow repeat itself and that in the end the result will be the same. Although a large part of me believes strongly that all this will work out, the small part that doesn't seems to be taking over. All I want is the pain and fear to go away....am I asking for too much?

Inner Struggles

Although, I am super excited that we are a few weeks away from final approval and FINALLY being active in our new program. I'm having an internal struggle with having to officially let go of the Ethiopian Program. We have technically let go of the program, however our file is still active there until I give the final "OK, we are done"
My logical side knows that this is the best thing for us, and that although we would perharps get an Ethiopian referral before the Florida one, our chances of having our baby home first is greater with Florida. The fact that we will be getting a newborn vs a child closer to one if not older is a major plus and the fact that we only have to travel to go get him once is a large plus. As mentioned, that is my logical side.
My emotional side is torn. We have been on this journey a long time, we are approaching 21 months of waiting, when I said I could never wait that long. We are so close to the end that my emotional side is saying...why not stay and see what happens. Obviously, I would LOVE to do both, but we can't and we made a decision that is best for our family. But my heart is hurting again. It's the final chapter of my book to Ethiopia and it's hard to see it end.
I know that once it's official and the word has been given it will be easier but for some reason I've been keeping it going. I keep saying "I don't want to let it go until we are approved in BC, just in case" but reality is, if we don't get approved in BC for the Florida program we wouldn't be approved for the Ethiopian program neither, so once again my emotions are hanging on.
After discussing my struggle with Chris over the weekend, we have decided that this week is the week. I will be sending Imagine Adoption "THE EMAIL" this week to officially let go of Ethiopia and Kaysen.
I am super excited for our new journey to Quinten, it's just that Kaysen has been in our hearts a long time. Although I have grieved for him he's been a large part of our journey to parenthood and this part of the journey will never be forgotten. Unfortunately, I find his name on all kinds of things, but it's ok. A name can be replaced on items, but the dream of having him, our Ethiopian son, will never be replaced.
Our journey to Quinten will be a new, exciting adventure and I can't wait to someday tell him how we came to bringing him into our home and our hearts. As well as tell him of all the obsticles and journeys we had to go endure to have our son with us, the son that is meant to be ours.

The Big Reveal

Hi All, after many hours of work the nursery is completed to the point that I can share. I am still missing a few items but once they come in i'll share them at that time. Hope you enjoy looking at it as much as I enjoyed getting it ready. It's been a long time waiting and although we may still have over a year to wait it's such a nice feeling to have it completed. We are still missing the crib and dresser but other than that it's a place I go into to reflect. Come home soon little Q....oh...and his name is now revealed.

This photo album made with Smilebox

PS... the little saying on the wall says "Don't let the fear of striking out, stop you from playing the game.

change table project

Over 2 yrs ago, I purchase a change table for $15, seeing as we were going to have an older baby, I figured why get a new one when I won't be using for very long. But now that we will be having a newborn baby I figured I may as well give it a good makeover as it will be used for awhile. Here are the before and after pics. You will also see the before of the nursery and that's it for awhile. Not sure if I mentioned it but the nursery is a surprise for Chris as well so I won't be posting update pics until it's done. Please don't try to let the suspense kill you...lol


Before:

In rough shape, not the nices color and god awful paper on the shelving

Little strawberry shortcake sticker and you can see the condition a little better

This beautiful paper was covering all 3 shelves.

After a lot of sanding, painting and some TLC.....

The pefect little place to change my little man's bum. Thanks Memere for the new change pad.

A little baseball decal to replace strawberry shortcake

and the paper has been replaced with a blue and green paper to go with the colors of the room. There will be cute little baskets on these shelves when i'm done.

And here the old office, no color no pazzazz, just wait till i'm done.

Won't that nuke be the perfect place for all his little books.

This is the sign I added to the door, everyone else is allowed in...unless your name happens to be Chris F :)

Back to work I go.....to be continued

Paperwork gone

This morning I got up and headed down to our local post office with a large box filled with paperwork and 10 beautiful printed and binded adoption profiles, to finally mail it all out to our new adoption agency. Now all we are waiting on is for our social worker to finish the updated homestudy and all the work from our end is done.

As I was getting everything into the box last night I was super emotional and shaky. You would think after all this time that I wouldn't get effected like I do anymore, I mean it's only paperwork right?! Well that's what Chris was saying last night too... But it's not just paperwork, it's months of getting things ready, filling out page after page of our life, signing document after document after document, meetings with social worker and creating an 18 page document about our life together and why the birth mother should choose us. The next person to read the profiles in the box (besides the agency of course) will be a birth mom. She will be ready this document about us, seeing our pictures and deciding if we are good enough to raise her child. I can only hope and pray that the letter I wrote to her was good enough, that I included enough "perfect" pictures, that she looks at us and says "YES" they are the ones. It's tough writing something to someone that you don't know, and asking them to give you the biggest gift in the world...their child. I wish there was pixie dust I could include in each profile package that would send her a message of the love her child will receive. I am feeling excited and so scared all at the same time. I know you will all say "Don't worry, you'll get chosen" but the fear of not getting chosen is greater than the excitement of getting chosen.

Today I am taking on the task of painting the nursery and getting it ready as I want it to be ready should the day come faster than expected. It may seem to some like it's just painting a room, but it's so much more than that. I have such great fear of getting the nursery ready. Although, I have waited years and years to do this and am having fun with my little projects, I'm so scared that I will have to someday paint it again to neutral as it may not happen.

The bankruptcy last year came with a large brick wall that I have been able to disassemble one brick at a time, but there is this last little bit of the wall that just won't break, I think it will be there until the day I hold our son. I can`t wait till the day that the wall is completely gone, that Chris can also get excited again and that our son is finally home where he belongs in his beautifully decorated nursery.

I have to ask you all one more time to please pray that this will finally happen for us and that we will finally be able to experience the joys of loving something more than ourselves.

To the birth mother, please know that the package we sent out today was filled with love, hope and strength for you as you face some difficult choices in the coming months. xo

Waiting

Hi All,

Just a quick update to let you know where we are at. We have all the paperwork ready to go, i'm just waiting for clarification from our Agency to assure i'm sending the right stuff to the right people. We have completed all our social worker visits, and are now waiting for the social worker to right the home study and we are just waiting really. Not much else to do. I'll be mailing out the package by the end of this week and then we wait.

So unfortunately, our update at this time is we are waiting for the final stages to be completed and then hopefully within the next few weeks we are good to go.

I'll let you all know as soon as I know more.

Thanks for your continued support and patience...we are almost there.

Quick Update

Not much has been going on to babble on about, so here is a quick update for you. We have had 2 meetings with our local social worker to do our homestudy update, we are hoping to have one more meeting and be done. We, as in I, have gathered all the necessary paper work needed for the new dossier...it's been a tough go as it seemed like so much more work this time, but it's now done and ready to be sent off, which I hope to have sent off with our final agency cheque next week. We will then be waiting on our home study to be completed and everything will/should be in place to get us on the list for expecting mothers. We are still hoping for the end of Aug/beginning of Sept, so we are keeping our fingers crossed that it all goes well.

Other than that, I started my new job 2 weeks ago and so far things are going great. It's currently a contract position but it looks like it won't be an issue to extend it or get something permanent, I just have to wait it out. I've been pretty good at getting up at 5:45-6am, something I haven't had to do in a long, long time, but getting to drive my new toy everyday makes it alot easier. I love it.

My parents are finally out of the bush so I can now talk to them again and will get to see them in less than 2 months. I am missing them so much, I can't wait. I just wish I would get to see my brother and his family as well. Hopefully soon.

And that's about it. We are happy as can be and have been busy getting acquainted with our new toys.....THE IPHONE4, one for each of us....they are amazing. Just in case you are out of the loop and don't know what they look like, here is a pic. Enjoy and be envious...lol Just kidding.
Have a great weekend everyone.

What a way to wake up?

With my new job i've had to start getting up way earlier than i'm used to, but so far it's been great because Chris is just getting home from his shift when I get up so we get to spend some time together. Well this morning he got home early, went for a walk with the dogs and brought home a fresh hand picked bouquet of flowers for me. It was such a beautiful way to wake up. Thank you my love, you make my days brighter everyday. xoxox

Change is good...new suv !!!

After years of wanting a new vehicle and finally get to the point of NEEDING a new vehicle we got a great deal on a 2010 Ford Edge AWD, so now we can feel safe driving up and down the mountain in the winter and we can look good doing it as well.



Isn't it beautiful!!!

Yahooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessa and Doug

I got to meet Jessa and Doug today. They came all the way to Logan Lake to visit, how great was that. (picture to follow) it was so nice to sit and talk with them. The instant adoption connection is amazing. I love it. So this post is for them.

Thank you for coming out, it was so great to meet you both and I can't wait to go see you guys Vancouver soon. You are as nice and great as I thought you would be. I just apologize for the mess my house was in :)

Meeting people from the same journey is just something that feels great. Although we have all been to hell and back in the last few years, the one thing we all got from this are great friendships. Often we don't get to meet the people we talk to on a weekly basis but sometimes we are lucky enough to sit and have a good chat. It just feels great. The friendships made through adoption are some of the best and dearest friendships I have. Something I will always be greatful for.

Thanks again for coming out guys, it was great.

Change is good....job front

When we moved here Chris and I decided that I wouldn't start looking for full time work until Sept of this year and enjoy my time off this summer. Well being the type of person I am, I started looking, not actively, but here and there. Well about a month ago I went for an interview and will be starting a new job in "document control" for a company that makes mobile construction site trailers among other things, not to sure about it all just yet. I'm not to sure what my position will consist of as it's a new department for the company but i'm looking forward to getting back out there....that's what I say now. The way I look at it is that every extra penny I can make, can go towards our little man and trust me we need every penny as i've mentioned in previous posts.
I really enjoyed my time at home, it was great to be off all the time but now back to reality. I haven't worked a Mon-Fri job in almost 6 years as i've been self employed so that will be something else to get used to but i'm also looking forward to not having a pile of work waiting for me everytime I walk in the door.
As my new moto says "Change is good!!!"

First meeting

We had a first meeting with our new social worker here in BC this AM and it went great. She is a down to earth kind of person which made us at ease. No matter how many times we meet with social workers that nervousness is always there. Not as much as the first visit we ever had but it's there. You know that feeling that they are literally holding your chances of having a child in their hands. I know that is not the case but the feeling just never goes away.

Anyways, we think it went great and we are meeting her again in 2 weeks. We are just finishing off the paper trail, and should have everything in place by the end of August.

It's so different this time around, it's like the motivation isn't as strong. Not that I want this any less than before but we are redoing the same old questionnaires and physicals and checks and it's just so blahhhhh this time. Hopefully it's our last time with this adoption and things actually have a happy ending this time.

Well, that's it for our latest update. Will post when I know more.

I also wanted to take this quick moment to say "i'm so sorry for all the families in the Ethiopian program with CAFAC that are left in limbo, or have had their journey end in some way or another. My heart is going out to you all and I just wish I had the right words to say to make it all better. I'm here for you and although I can't possibly understand the pain I can relate and will never judge what you are feeling." Hugs to you all.

One year ago today...

our world feel apart. I will always remember the day detail by detail as if it happened yesterday. I was in Dallas when I got the news and headed home on the next flight. I won't go into details here about the day as it will only bring back bad memories but I would like to take this time to reflect on the last year.

Although, I didn't realize it at the time, July 13 2009 was the day I began to grieve the lose of Kaysen. Yes, I know, I didn't know what he looked like but he was a person in my heart, he was our child that we dreamed about everyday, he was real to us. Many people don't understand how it feels to love someone so much that is really just in your heart but I know the people who saw our pain, the adoption, infertile community will understand completely. It hurts. Does it hurt as much as it would if I had been pregnant? I don't know, cause i've never been pregnant but I know that it ripped out my insides and until just recently still hurt every single day. Just thinking of it now bring back a little pain in my heart. Needless to say, I grieved him. I went a little crazy inside and I really couldn't understand why this was happening.
We went months not knowing what would be our next step, part of me was hoping and praying it would keep going and the other part of me was hoping and praying it would end. I knew we could never make the decision to leave the program ourselves and often hoped they would just do it for us.
In Oct/Nov, we got the news that all was good to go again, all we had to do was give them more money and we would keep going as usual. I remember saying to Chris, "I'm done, i'm ready to move on" and he said "Babe, you know you will never forgive yourself if you let it go" and he was right, so we sent them more money and one we went with the waiting. Although we were happy things were back on, the "wonderful, exciting" adoption feeling never came back. I woke up every morning hoping to feel the happiness and hope again but it wasn't there, I tried and tried, I think I even believed it at times but now looking back I know that it was never there and I now realize that the reason it never came back is because I was still grieving on a daily basis and I couldn't handle that the agency had all the control. In our minds, we had no choice to make, we were so commited, emotionally and financially. I kept saying "they could call us tomorrow and say we need x amount more money and we would say OK" They had us in a very bad position and we had no idea when enough was enough...I mean how do you decide that we can't take anymore when it came to a child.
I was so jealous that I didn't have another option, we couldn't leave the program and we would be waiting years for our son to come home. I was emotionally tired of the pain and the shattered dreams, we both were.
It took me a long time to grieve Kaysen, but moving here to BC gave us new options, and after making the decision to start a new program I feel the pain is finally gone. Well, it's there, it will probably always be there, but I don't wake up with it anymore. The excitement of adoption is back. Yay!!!!!!!!!!
We will never know or understand why we went through what we went through to get us to where we are today. But I do know that we are much stronger for it, our relationship is stronger for it and we now know we can get through hard times and come out smiling on the other end.
We are both getting the excitement back and we both feel we are now in the right direction to our son. We will never forget the pain we felt for Kaysen but we have moved on and I finally feel healed in my heart. It took a full year since the bankruptcy but time does heal all wounds.
I want to thank everyone in our lives, including all the adoption community for the continued support and encouragement throughout this past year, we would not have gotten where we are today without the love of you all.
We look forward to the year ahead and leaving the hurt and pain behind.
Congratulations to us all for getting past the bankruptcy and keeping our dreams alive, whether we are on the same path to our child or have chosen another, we deserve to be happy for getting through it.

Love this song

Everytime I hear this song it makes me feel warm and peaceful.
Love it.

Nursery Planning

I've spent the last 2 days looking at the internet trying to find the perfect items for the nursery. I'm feeling so good about all that is happening that I'm actually thinking of starting the decor once our approval is in....crazy right?

I just figure, if the decor is done the only things left to do will be to purchase the crib and dresser and put them in place. With this new journey the call can come at any time and the birth mother can be anywhere in her pregnancy, so I figure, better be safe than sorry...:)

I've asked myself many times today if i'm just setting myself up for disappointment but I'm feeling okay with it so i'm taking the risk.

I can't wait to share the before and after and in between stages with you but I won't be able to until it's complete as i'm keeping it a surprise from Chris. As you and he already know it's a baseball theme but that's all he's getting. I've purchased some really cool things to accent the room and I have a list of little projects to keep me busy, I can't wait to get started.

I'm off to Edmonton this week to help my cousin out with her work which will make the week go by faster and our appointment is the day after I get back. At least at that time i'll have a better idea how things work and if I can started.

I hope you all have a wonderful week. Cheers!!

Before and After

This is the size of clothes I have been buying for the last 2 years (12-24 mths)

this is an 18mth sleeper

and THIS is what I get to buy now....i couldn't resist yesterday..... 3 mths

it's half the size....SO CUTE.

Chris' facial expression was priceless when I showed it to him, I think his stress meter just went up a few notches....lol :)

and the fun begins.....I PROMISE TO HAVE CONTROL THIS TIME....maybe if I keep telling myself that I will.