This morning I got up and headed down to our local post office with a large box filled with paperwork and 10 beautiful printed and binded adoption profiles, to finally mail it all out to our new adoption agency. Now all we are waiting on is for our social worker to finish the updated homestudy and all the work from our end is done.
As I was getting everything into the box last night I was super emotional and shaky. You would think after all this time that I wouldn't get effected like I do anymore, I mean it's only paperwork right?! Well that's what Chris was saying last night too... But it's not just paperwork, it's months of getting things ready, filling out page after page of our life, signing document after document after document, meetings with social worker and creating an 18 page document about our life together and why the birth mother should choose us. The next person to read the profiles in the box (besides the agency of course) will be a birth mom. She will be ready this document about us, seeing our pictures and deciding if we are good enough to raise her child. I can only hope and pray that the letter I wrote to her was good enough, that I included enough "perfect" pictures, that she looks at us and says "YES" they are the ones. It's tough writing something to someone that you don't know, and asking them to give you the biggest gift in the world...their child. I wish there was pixie dust I could include in each profile package that would send her a message of the love her child will receive. I am feeling excited and so scared all at the same time. I know you will all say "Don't worry, you'll get chosen" but the fear of not getting chosen is greater than the excitement of getting chosen.
Today I am taking on the task of painting the nursery and getting it ready as I want it to be ready should the day come faster than expected. It may seem to some like it's just painting a room, but it's so much more than that. I have such great fear of getting the nursery ready. Although, I have waited years and years to do this and am having fun with my little projects, I'm so scared that I will have to someday paint it again to neutral as it may not happen.
The bankruptcy last year came with a large brick wall that I have been able to disassemble one brick at a time, but there is this last little bit of the wall that just won't break, I think it will be there until the day I hold our son. I can`t wait till the day that the wall is completely gone, that Chris can also get excited again and that our son is finally home where he belongs in his beautifully decorated nursery.
I have to ask you all one more time to please pray that this will finally happen for us and that we will finally be able to experience the joys of loving something more than ourselves.
To the birth mother, please know that the package we sent out today was filled with love, hope and strength for you as you face some difficult choices in the coming months. xo
