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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

One Year ago today

I was the happiest person in the world. I was floating around the house knowing that in less than a year I would finally know what my son looks like, I would finally be able to say i'm a mom and this is my forward to picture, not a mother.

This past year has been a year of emotional up and downs, I had rough months in the begining of the year but I got passed them knowing it would soon end. and then the bankruptcy happened and really shook things up, I went from the happiest moment to the lowest moment of my life. It's been a rough few months and the adoption is back on....well hopefully anyways. I know it sounds like i'm not excited about it, but my insides won't allow me to get excited. Although I know I must believe that it will all work out, my subconsciousness is not allowing me to accept it. Hopefully we will find out by next week if all is okay and maybe then I'll be excited again but till then I just go on. Day by day.

The bankruptcy not only stole my child, my money and my mental state but it also made me lose the excitement I had for the adoption journey. I honestly just want the end to be here. I don't want it to be the end as in no Kaysen, just the end as in we are all home and safe and we can place all this "fun" stuff behind us.

So sorry for the buzz kill of a post today but although it's been a year and we should be celebrating, I am not feeling like celebrating.