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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Big day has come and gone

Well friday we received the proposal and all was well, should 51% of creditors vote yes by the end of the month the possibility of a restructure is very very good. We would be so blessed to have such a great thing come out of something so very bad. So the weekend was good and positive, but then, just when you think it will all be ok. Whammmmmm, down again, it looks like referrals for IA will not begin until April 2010, and will be on a schedule of 5 referrals for the first 6mths, 10 referrals a month for the 6 mths after (Oct 2010-Apr2011) and 15 per month for the remaining months. SOOOOOOO now again, i'm down. Don't get me wrong, I did say I would wait years and years as long as it was a sure thing and Kaysen would someday be home, but now that reality hit and it may be late 2010 early 2011 before we get him it's hard to swallow. I'm still thankful for the proposal, i'm just dealing with alot of guilt. Why did this have to happen? Why can't I be okay and not have to put my family through this? Why do I have to be almost 36 to be a mother? Why can't I just shut this off for a few years and turn it back on when needed? and the why's go on and on and on, and none of them have answers.

i know I can't control what has happened to us, and why i can't have bio children but it's just hard to understand. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to have Kaysen, I just want answers. I'm also struggling with knowing that Kaysen will more than likely be the only child for us, unless we get some miracle. I'm troubled that we are in a position of no choices, seeing as we are so emotionally and financially invested there is no other way or option.

I remember seeing other blogs with 23 months waiting for a referral and thought, OH MY GOD how do they do it? Well I guess we will find out. We have been waiting almost 6 yrs to start a family and we will be waiting some more..... I just wish it would end sooner. :(