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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Insanity of an adoptive mother

As you know from reading this blog we have been on this adoption journey for over 2.5 yrs and have been trying to have a child for over 6 yrs. That is a long, long time to wait for a child. With this wait came a few moments of say the least. Seeing as we requested a boy in Ethiopia, I turned to retail therapy right away thinking I may want to get ready as I only have approx. 1 year. Well, I was wrong about the wait time which meant I needed more therapy which in turn meant more shopping. Once the bankruptcy happened I stopped retail therapy and packed everything away, out of sight, out of mind. Well today I was feeling pretty good about things so I decided to venture into the unpacked toy room and decided to also see what cute clothes I had....this is what I found...

which is
35 pairs of socks
49 Onesis
40 t-shirts
29 long sleeve shirts
9 Button up shirts
2 pairs of shorts
3 Vests
8 matching pant/shirt outfits
2 coverall style jeans
8 regular pairs of jeans
1 winter suit
13 hats
33 Bibs
8 Spring jackets
7 Hoodies
5 Sweatshirts
4 pairs of cords
30 Pajamas
6 casual comfy pants
5 Khaki pants
4 regular pants
and that is not including the a bin full of cups, bottles, bowls, spoons, soothers and everything else you can imagine. 95% still have the tags on them and then I have 2 bins of used boy clothes....INSANE, even more insane that I did an inventory of it, don't you think. All the clothes is from 9-24months and nothing for a new born.
After this crazy insane inventory moment I had major reflection moment and a good talk with Chris about our new adoption journey, and we have decided after all we have been through we both still want our son. His name won't be Kaysen but he will be a boy. It may take us longer to be matched with a birth mother as alot of the mothers don't know the sexe of the baby but at this point what's an extra few months wait to get our son. Don't get me wrong, it's not that we wouldn't take a girl if a girl was handed to us but at this stage we still have a choice and it would be a large, large hassle to get rid of the above mentioned list, the bedding set, the books, the EVERYTHING boy. One less hassle is worth the extra wait. and who knows it might not be an extra wait it all depends on the birth mothers that are shown our profile.
The best news is that I have 0-9mths of boy clothes to buy now....I KNOW INSANITY, i've gone over the edge fully but i'm not making excuses for it i'm just allowing myself to do it because I CAN.

A little more color...

When we moved into the house it was a complete blank canvas. White everywhere....i know some people would love to have an all white home but I need color. Not only for comfort as color makes it feel like home but also for cleaniness. Having 3 dogs running in and out all the time get's thing dirty fast. I told myself that I would give it 6 months to make sure I'm getting the colors I want and really get a feel for the home before I paint....well that lasted 1 and 1/2 months and out I went to get some paint. Here are some before and after, let me know what you think.



What do you think? Honesty would be appreciated.

Sunday, June 27, 2010


I would first like to start by saying THANK YOU everyone for your continued support. Chris and I feel very lucky to have so many people rooting for us no matter where our journey to a family leads us. We are still in the process of getting the right paperwork together for the new adoption and have yet to fully let go of Ethiopia but we are one step closer and your support has only encouraged us to keep our heads up and keep going.

I also wanted to update on life here in BC. To put in a few's more than I ever expected!!! I thought for sure it would take me some time to adjust to a new life and new province but other than the regular annoying things, like address change, licence change, insurance inspections and other provincial requirements we are loving it. We feel so relaxed here. We are getting more active with hikes and bike riding. We even started fishing. We have a cute little lake that you can fish off the dock and catch trout. We have yet to catch fish but we are enjoying the sun and relaxation that comes with fishing. All we need now is a boat and we can explore the rest of the area.

Wild life is something we see on a daily basis. Mostly deer, however we have seen moose, red-tail hawks, bald eagles, bears, and even wild horses... how cool is that. We try to go explore a new area at least once when Chris is off but we still have so much to explore just here in our backyard. We are a full 30min drive from Kamloops but the more we drive it the closer it seems. I've learnt to bring a cooler with me to do groceries as it's much hotter in Kamloops and it's a 30min drive so ice cream...become milkshakes by the time we get home. Learned that the hard

Chris is really enjoying his job and i'm in the process of finding work. I've had a few interviews so far and should be back to the "real" world soon enough. I would love to stay home forever but bills need to be paid and that won't get done if i'm sitting on my butt at home.

Jake, Maddux and Ziggy have helped to make this home. They love the walks around the lake and although Maddux has to take it extra easy with his fragile knee, yep the other one is going now :( , he has come home many a times sticky from pond and lake swimming that help to cool them off.

Being near my sister and her family has been great. Although we don't get to see each other often it's great to know they are close and I can see them whenever I want. The only thing that would make everything perfect would be to have the rest of the family move to BC, but since that is not an option we will enjoy showing them all our wonderful discoveries when they come visit.

That's about it for now but this week should bring a few more answers on the job and adoption front. I'll keep you posted as news comes in.

Thanks again to you all. OH... and here are few pics to keep you entertained.

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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Change is good....

With the big news in the post below, we have been trying to cut back on everything in an attempt to save as much money as we possibly can....including no more expensive hair coloring/cuts...I've been blond for a very long time but with having to buy a box at the store I figured this may be easier to handle....have a look...what do you think?

My new moto.....Change is Good!

Try it...!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Change is good.....Adoption news

Hello fellow blog readers. Now that our families are aware I would like to let you all know the news we have. Here is the email we sent to friends and family with the news. Before you read this, we want to thank you all in advance for understanding our decision and for your continued support.

"Hello Everyone,

We first would like to say sorry we didn't call you all to give you this news, but there are too many of you and this email should explain everything. Please do not hesistate to call us ********* or email us if you have any questions.

As you all know, last summer our agency in Ontario went bankrupt and our adoption dream was shattered. It felt to us like we had lost a child. Although we didn't know what he looked like, Kaysen was a large part of our daily lives and hearts. Giving up on him was not an issue. So we stayed with our agency, paid more money, and stayed with the newly restructured agency. In Dec, the agency started referrals again and just this month the first families will be brining some children home. In January we recieved our "number" on the list (82) what this number meant was that there were 82 families ahead of us before we could finally see our little baby. It was exciting but, after going through such pain, always kept a protective wall up. Referrals were going great and our number was going down....then referrals stopped/slowed down and new disappointments came on a monthly/weekly government regulations, new paper work needed and the dreaded two visits. All of which would make our wall bigger and bigger but we kept strong and going. These slow downs only extended our wait and we were starting to look at approx. 2 more years if not more. In case you didn't hear, we were now required to go to Ethiopia twice. The first time to pass court where we would fly across the world, see our future son for a minute (no bonding allowed at all) and then fly back and wait up to 6+ months before going back to pick him up....complete torture. Not to mention the extra $$$ needed for the extra travel. But again, we swallowed the news and kept going. Which brings us to today.

Moving to BC, has not only been an amazing experience but a reflection period. We found out that it would end up costing us even more as we need all our home study done again, and all our paper work has expired (2yrs) so in other words we were starting over, except for the wait. Financially we are done...we have no more money to give to a program that is on thin ice and can collapes any day. Giving up on being parents was not an option but switching programs was. Living in BC allows us a few more options than living in ON. Weird as it's the same country but new province, new rules. is the reason for the email.....We have made the decision to switch programs. This is our last shot....we are still trying to figure out how we will make this one work but we have to do what we can to be parents.....if this doesn't work we will have to be done....but it WILL work we have to believe.

The program we are switching to is in the US. We will be adopting from Florida. The program isn't available in ON but is here. The financial commit will be no more than if we had stayed with the Ethiopian program but is still outrageous. I know you are asking, what about the money in the other program....unfortunately for us ALL the money we have spent on the other program is gone. The good thing with this new program is that we don't have to give money until we know what the money is for. We won't disclose how much we have spent so far but it was alot and we have no idea to this day where all that money has gone. The new program will provide us with a list of what we are paying for and why...which will be a large difference.

The Ethiopian program was a program that was based on a waiting list, depending on when you sent your dossier to Ethiopia is where you were on the list. The Floriday program is a "family chooses" program. Where we submit our profile and wait for a family to choose us to raise their child. The baby will be a newborn baby (within a week or two old), he/she may be a male or female and the baby will still be African-American or Biracial. Most families have been placed with their child within a year, so our fingers are crossed that we get chosen fast.

This has been a really hard decision as we have to let go of "the idea" of Kaysen. We have decided we will start a fresh start and let go of the name and the program. We do have the option of keeping both programs going but for Financial reasons we are not able to. It may be hard for some of you to understand but we have had to grieve Kaysen and move on. The last few years will always be a part of our lives and we have to believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe the baby for us is just not in Ethiopia but from the US.

We thank you all for your continued support and ask that you pray that this final try for us will be a success.

Again, if you have any questions, do let us know.

Love Nat and Chris "

As mentioned in the letter, Kaysen will always be a part of our lives and this part of our journey to parenthood will never be forgotten, the grieving is still a prominent part of our lives and letting go is a scary thing. I will continue to support you all in your journey to Ethiopia but please understand that I will no longer be checking in on the board for updates as it's easier to just let it go completely.

I sent out the paperwork to the new agency here today and as of yet we have not let go of our Ethiopian Adoption. We want to make sure all goes well at this end and once we are officially waiting in the US program we will let the other one go.

I'll keep you posted as there are new adventures to come our way. I ask you all as well to please pray that we made the right decision and that our journey to becoming a family will finally come true.