It feels like I haven't blogged in forever, well one week to me seems like forever, but I feel like I don't have much to write about. I don't want to bore you all with the way I've been feeling lately as it's always the same thing and I have sooooo many months to go. I don't want to mention again that this is by far the hardest thing that I have done in my life and will be doing for a long time, I don't want to mention that I can't get the adoption and Kaysen off my mind for 1 sec, I don't want to mention that I want to scream and scream and scream out of frustration as to why I have to wait another year or so to hold my son, and I don't want to mention that I just don't know if I'm going to make it.... which is why I haven't been writing lately. Ok, so I just mentioned it all, see do you understand now? I think I'm going crazy, slowly I will be getting worse in the next year. I yearn to hold him everyday, I haven't been crying which is great and an unbelievable thing for me, I just wake up every morning and say to my understanding husband "Ok, I'm ready now" I know so many out there have been waiting much longer and I'm trying to find strength through them but how the heck did you do it. I have told myself to stop blogging, stop reading, stop shopping stop everything and just go ahead with the year to come as if nothing is going on, well that lasted a whole minute. I just can't shut it off, I just wish I could find the switch. Every day I go over and over in my head about ways that this could possibly go by faster and come up empty handed....so needless to say i think I'm in a "FRUSTRATION" stage and hope to get passed it shortly.... Did I mention, I didn't want to mention any of this..... 
I sure wish I could do this again....Smile... :(
