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Saturday, August 15, 2009


I'm sure i'm not the only one feeling scared right now and I don't necessarily feel like posting about it, but I do want my feelings of the journey in this blog so here it is.

I'm so scared for the next two weeks to come along. I'm hoping more than anything that things go our way and that our adoption continues, but everyday the ball of yuck in my stomach is getting bigger and bigger and I just want to throw up. I'm so scared that it won't be what we want and hope for. What happens then? I know, I know, i'm suppose to stay positive, but it's normal human motherly nature to think "What if", what will I do? How will I cope? Will that be it? Do we start over? Do we go another direction? I don't want to have to answer any of these questions, I just want my son, is that too much to ask?

The closer we get to an answer the farther I want to be. It's like I wish I had another few months to process the "What if?" but yet I want a few weeks to go by incase it is good news. My mind is so confused right now.

As mentioned in my last post, I've been really busy which is great but everyday it's a struggle to get up and work and stay busy, when what I really want to do is just lay in bed and hug my Kaysen bear (which I haven't slept without since).

I know I will get through the next few weeks and I know we will figure it out at that time as to what to do next but I just don't want to deal with it.....