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Sunday, January 4, 2009

New Year, New fears.

Here I am, Jan 4Th 2009, 2pm and doing nothing....absolutely nothing. I woke up this morning feeling very tired as I haven't been sleeping very well lately and decided the only thing I had to do today was shower and vacuum, well now that I've done both I have nothing else to do. I love that I have nothing to do (I have lots I could be but I'm going to be pretty bored in a few hours and then Chris goes to work and then what right?? Then I start the crazy cycle I've been on since the new year. It's almost like something has hit me and I don't know how to deal with it. I keep thinking of the year to come and how I'm suppose to deal with what the adoption will be throwing my way. I mean, how do you deal with the emotions of a referral, and then having to wait while your child is so far away, and then how do you deal with getting on the plane and the emotions you must feel, and then the most important one, how do you deal with seeing and holding your child for the first time. Don't get me wrong, i have thought of this stuff before but now I'm realizing that some of it will happen in the next year and I'm thinking..."HOW DO YOU DO IT?" I'm picturing myself being sick alot with anxiety, which is something I have never felt, and my heart exploding from all the emotions. So I ask you all, How did you get through it and how do you deal with the emotions? I look forward to every step that is to come but i'm also scared of the unknown. I was telling Chris this week that I feel like a countdown to parenthood has finally begun for us, at least we have a long time to take it all in, I would trade a fast process any day, but since I can't, I will try to use the time to get ready. But how do you get ready? I mean, seriously, we go from one day being non parents to getting on a plane and become full parents, who does that, right? We do, parents in waiting, who have waited longer than they ever thought possible to hold their child, parents who would go to the end of the world and back just to feel whole as a family, parents who are stronger then they thought they were and parents who have fallen in love with someone that didn't grow inside them, that was simply a possibility for so long. The yearning for our son is unbearable, and I don't even know who he is yet, which is the reason for me not knowing how I will deal with the next year. I thank God for all the support I have surrounding us on a daily basis as they are what will make this year go by easier. I guess the whole reason for this post today is to express my recent fears, my recent emotions and my recent thoughts. I am sooooo excited for the year ahead, but I am also so scared all at the same time.