Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I sent in the final installment payment to Imagine this morning. It was strange as everytime i've sent them a cheque in the past I felt a surge of excitment and hope. But today I just drop it off as if it was just any other piece of mail. No excitment, not thinging about it more than that, no extra hope, just nothing.
I'm guessing it's caused by knowing what "loss of hope" feels like and having to get through so many disappointments that i've become somewhat numb to certain things that would normally excite me. I find it sad to feel that way, this should have been an exciting day but with the latest increase in disappointment every few weeks it's hard to stay focused.
Needless to say, the cheque is in the mail, the final installment is paid and now we wait for some news. Here's hoping the next payment I send to them is the post referral payment and we are that much closer to our son.
EDIT*** I received a question from this post that I would like to clarify. My dear blogger friend asked what I meant by Post referral payment? What I meant by that is the money we have to pay to the agency for Post placement updates. This payment is to pay for all paperwork and work needed by Imagine to send in our post placement updates to the country. When we signed up we payed all our fees except for that one as it was only due after referral. I'm not too sure if this payment is no longer required but I would assume it is. Sorry for making anyone panick, I would go nuts too if I read I needed to come up with more money. That's all we've been doing lately...more money...no advance.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
My brother, Denis, his wife, Laura, and baby Owen just left from a weekend visit. It was nice to have them over and even better now that the house is sold and I didn't have to worry about it. We had a great time together but of course it wasn't long enough.
Denis walking the baby and dog, Kylie
Matante Nat enjoying a visit with Owen and a few laughs.
Baby Owen is almost 10 months old now and he has grown up so much (as you can all see from the cute pictures) and he will grow up without me being close which I find so hard. We had so many plans to have Kaysen and Owen hang out, but with Kaysen's delay and my moving all plans have changed. One thing I promise is to still know my nephew and have Kaysen know my brother and his family. Whether through Skype, or visits they will know each other if we all make an effort.
Thanks again for the wonderful visit Den, Laura and Baby Owen. I know it's not easy traveling with a little one and I appreciate the visit more than you will ever know.
Our cool boy, Baby O
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Our house if officially SOLD...YAYYYYYYY We are so excited. We will be moving at the end of April and starting our new life in BC. I can't believe it, this is such great news. Great news that we deserved...if I do say so myself. I haven't posted anything about our offer because I was so worried that it wouldn't happen if I said something but today the buyers removed the conditions and we are good to go.
I'm still shaking from excitement. Chris found us a home on Friday as well so we are just waiting for the final word from the bank and we will be new home owners in Logan Lake BC, which is approx. 30min from Kamloops. We found a super home for an even more super price. We will have to travel to get to work but it's worth the 100000$ we saved by purchasing out of the city.
I can't wait to see my sister and her family and be close to them again. I'm sad to be leaving my brother and his family but I will be coming to see them as often as I can and vow to still know my nephew Owen.
Friday, March 12, 2010
It seems some adoptive parents out there have gone to Ethiopia to pick up their children only to change their minds and leave them their. Making these children unavailable for adoption as their completed adoption cannot be revoked. They would sadly have to stay in the system forever.
What this has done is somewhat forced the government to look at changing the rules for picking up your children. What they are now wanting is that we go to Ethiopia, meet our child, make a decision to continue, represent ourselves in court as his/her future parents and then leave, come home wait for the Visa to be approved and go back to pick the child up. Yep, two trips, one of them leaving our child behind. I know there are many countries out there that have this procedure in place for adoptions. However, when we looked at all the countries out there, the one visit factor had a major impact on our decision.
I know myself and know that I will NOT be able to leave Kaysen behind. After waiting years and years and years to finally see him, hold him, feed him, physically love him instead of just in my heart, there is NO WAY i'll be able to leave. Leave him in the care of others, take a 16 hrs flight home without him; live months at home without him; and wait everyday on pins and needles waiting to get the call to go back get him. I just can't wrap my head around it and I'm not sure if I ever will.
Every let down we have been through so far, including the bankruptcy, has been something we have somehow been able to find strenght and get through. But this I don't think so. I'll be okay for now, but when the time comes I honestly don't know how I will do it.
How a parent can change their minds at the last minute and leave them there is unimaginable to me and I feel so sad for the children left behind. I also completely understand why they would want to protect the children and know that I will want to stay to protect my child once he is legally mine and will not want to leave.
Every few weeks there is a new disappointment. A large part of me just wants to give up. I won't give up, but I want to. I can't hurt anymore, I just want to be happy. As Chris said yesterday, there is no way we would ever forgive ourselves for taking the easy way out and giving up but the thought at this point seems like the only way to stop the hurt.
We always imagine the day we will finally get to hold our son and bring him home, which is what keeps us going from day to day. Now knowing we have to leave him will make it so much harder but our love for each other, our family and our son will keep us going, on the thought of someday FINALLY BEING TOGETHER AS ONE.
I ask the question again. WHY?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Well wouldn't you know it, we are working with 4 orphanages and 3 of the 4 are in the regions they have decided not to approve....:(
I just don't understand how much more we are suppose to take. I know I will have people saying..." it's only temporary" "stay positive" and so on... but save it, today I'm disappointed discouraged, wanting to give up. Chris and I have been through so much in wanting to start a family. Why is it so hard? We got through the bankruptcy, and I was very reserved in getting excited again. Then the referrals started, and of course my hopes were up again....and now this. I feel it would be so much easier to say "I'm done, let's move on" but my heart would never let it happen.
WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
So here's to another few months of waiting, hopefully good things happen with the house and we get a finishing date to this seperation but I will take it one day at a time, and will find things to do with myself in the mean time. I do have a great book to read after all....
Monday, March 1, 2010
I have heard many good things about this book and look forward to having my own review. It's a large book so it will probably take me awhile as I tend to only read before bed, but I look forward to enjoying it.
Thank you for being so thoughtful babe, this will help with the next few months away from you.