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Saturday, May 29, 2010


That seems to be the only title I can think of lately. I just don't understand, WHY? What is the reason we have to go through all this? Why can't decisions be made for us or someone lead us in the right direction. I know I haven't written in a while and it's because it's easier that way. Of course I want to tell you all how life in BC has been and I will but it's just easier to not read, write, comment, speak about, read about or do anything else that has to do with the adoption. I'M DONE!!!!! I know many of you reading this will understand what I mean but to those who don't, what i'm saying is that i'm done with the hurting, I DON'T WANT TO HURT NO MORE!!!!
All I want is for us to be parents, to help guide a child into life and enrich their life with love and laughter as they would do for us. I can't believe I have put Chris and I through all this. we thought adoption was the best way for us, we thought, why spend money trying to create a child when there are so many out there that need a home. But lately I keep second guessing myself. I just don't know what to do. I can deal with the wait but what I can't deal with is the emotions and the financials. You will notice that I have tried to avoid anything too negative in my blog as I am writing this for my future son, and I would never want him to think I didn't want him, which is why i haven't mentioned the cost too much, but i'm done, i'm done trying to make believe everything is AOK. It's not, we have to come up with alot more money to get a home study redone and all our documents redone, because we moved to BC and because our paperwork will expire soon. It's just like starting over, except that we have a place in line. We then have to come up with travel money twice, vaccine money, post placement money and we still won't have a child for a long time. The well is dry and I don't know what to do. When we started this adoption I was in Real Estate and although we didn't make millions, I would get nice cheques to cover all these extras, but now I don't have those anymore and I really don't know what to do.

I know I can go back to Real Estate but the amount of debt Real Estate has placed on us over the years is not worth it. I keep telling myself we will figure it out, but what are we suppose to do. I know we could go to the bank to get a loan, but that well is going dry as well. there is just so much they are willing to give us. I keep telling myself that there has to be a cut off point, where we just can't go anymore, but the dream and hopes inside of us will not let us do it. I no longer feel like the end result will be us holding our son, I now feel that we will have to drop out because we won't have the money to keep going. We still have over a year (or more) to go and things have been changing all the time, and it's always more money, more wait. I hope and pray everyday that money will come, that we will be able to move ahead, that we will hold our son.....but I just don't know how.

So again, I ask
WHY did this happen
WHY are we still crying about this years after it should have been done
WHY can't someone else tell us what we need to do
and most of all

Friday, May 7, 2010


We received our May update today and it looks like our new number is 49. We are under the 50 mark, what a great feeling. I know there has been alot of speculation as to the "LIST" and if it's a good or bad thing to know our number on the "LIST", but I think it's great. Everytime our number goes down everyone gets excited. It makes it real and the fact that we actually know it's going down is making it more real every day.

Although i'm excited about the numbers going down the update also mentioned the rules of our first court date visit to Ethiopia. It looks like our visit will be very casual with no one on one time with the child as they don't want us to start bonding with the him. If we pass court during our visit we will get to meet him again and be allowed to provide him with a gift and photos but it won't be a long visit, again because they don't want us bonding just yet. I'm still struggling on a daily basis with this first visit, I mean, how the heck am I going to get through it with some sanity left over? But I know I will somehow find the strenght and soon after we will get to hold him and never let him go.

They also mentioned in the update the rules if we want to stay in Ethiopia with our son between court and visa, which can be anywhere between 4-6 mths we can but we would have to be completely on our own with no help from our agency as we would have to waive all their responsibilities, which will mean that if something happens back home we would not be able to leave or is something happens there we would be in a foreign country alone. I think that would a very hard thing to do, and not knowing how long it will be would tough as well. That be said, trust me, if I could afford to live there for 6 months and not work I would, but there is no way it can be done.

There are many things in this journey that will bring us down, twist us around, make us think we can't take anymore and often make us feel like we want to give up. But everyday is a new day, a one day closer to being a family. We all have to remember why we took this journey, what the end result will be, what we've been through and most of all how lucky we are to still be counting the days. Cheers to 49 and counting....:)