Isabella's Age

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Sunday, January 4, 2009

New Year, New fears.

Here I am, Jan 4Th 2009, 2pm and doing nothing....absolutely nothing. I woke up this morning feeling very tired as I haven't been sleeping very well lately and decided the only thing I had to do today was shower and vacuum, well now that I've done both I have nothing else to do. I love that I have nothing to do (I have lots I could be doing...lol) but I'm going to be pretty bored in a few hours and then Chris goes to work and then what right?? Then I start the crazy cycle I've been on since the new year. It's almost like something has hit me and I don't know how to deal with it. I keep thinking of the year to come and how I'm suppose to deal with what the adoption will be throwing my way. I mean, how do you deal with the emotions of a referral, and then having to wait while your child is so far away, and then how do you deal with getting on the plane and the emotions you must feel, and then the most important one, how do you deal with seeing and holding your child for the first time. Don't get me wrong, i have thought of this stuff before but now I'm realizing that some of it will happen in the next year and I'm thinking..."HOW DO YOU DO IT?" I'm picturing myself being sick alot with anxiety, which is something I have never felt, and my heart exploding from all the emotions. So I ask you all, How did you get through it and how do you deal with the emotions? I look forward to every step that is to come but i'm also scared of the unknown. I was telling Chris this week that I feel like a countdown to parenthood has finally begun for us, at least we have a long time to take it all in, I would trade a fast process any day, but since I can't, I will try to use the time to get ready. But how do you get ready? I mean, seriously, we go from one day being non parents to getting on a plane and become full parents, who does that, right? We do, parents in waiting, who have waited longer than they ever thought possible to hold their child, parents who would go to the end of the world and back just to feel whole as a family, parents who are stronger then they thought they were and parents who have fallen in love with someone that didn't grow inside them, that was simply a possibility for so long. The yearning for our son is unbearable, and I don't even know who he is yet, which is the reason for me not knowing how I will deal with the next year. I thank God for all the support I have surrounding us on a daily basis as they are what will make this year go by easier. I guess the whole reason for this post today is to express my recent fears, my recent emotions and my recent thoughts. I am sooooo excited for the year ahead, but I am also so scared all at the same time.

7 comments:

Stephanie said...

As my Dad would say "just take it one day at a time". I don't always heed that advice but it is good advice. When I was waiting for the referral of my daughter from China, I did ALOT of retail therapy!! I also find it helps to talk(either in person or on the phone) with people who have or are adopting as they are the only people who really get it!!! The other thing I did was make a big list of things I wanted to accomplish before she came....gave me something else to focus my energies on. If you ever need to talk...I'm just a phone call away!!

Steph :-)

Cara said...

I think I can relate...I have had lots of that anxiety you alluded to in this post. Sometimes I think it's because I am in way over my head and other times (usually after talking friends and family) that these kinds of up-and-down feelings are normal. Sending you best wishes for the week ahead.

Cara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Mannings said...

I hear you!! It can be so overwhelming sometimes. I echo Steph - one day at a time. I have found 'padding' the wait time to help - especially when things moved faster than we expected. I also have a lot of projects on the go that i 'need' to get done before baby comes. Not sure that any of them will get done but it feels good when they do.
Just know we all feel the same way at one time or another. You are not alone.

Malia'sMama said...

Came over to see who had just joined my blog :) And, hon, there is no right/wrong way to feel, and what you THINK you'll feel, may be totally opposite to what you will feel. Just let it happen, when it happens, and whatever comes into your heart/brain, let it come. You'll be okay and in the end, you'll be MAMA!

Anonymous said...

I was afraid you didn't receive your gift!! I ordered it from Hello Sunshine in Toronto and they were supposed to ship it directly to you! They ship it Canada Post. I hope it comes today or tomorrow! If I don't see a post from you saying you got it tomorrow I will follow up with them!

Rana said...

The bad thing about this journey is you have time to think about all the things to come....the GOOD thing about this journey is you have time to think about all the things to come ;)

Change is a coming and with that always come doubts and fears but when the time comes it will mostly be happiness and joy and we will wonder why we were ever worried!