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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Not much going on...

It feels like I haven't blogged in forever, well one week to me seems like forever, but I feel like I don't have much to write about. I don't want to bore you all with the way I've been feeling lately as it's always the same thing and I have sooooo many months to go. I don't want to mention again that this is by far the hardest thing that I have done in my life and will be doing for a long time, I don't want to mention that I can't get the adoption and Kaysen off my mind for 1 sec, I don't want to mention that I want to scream and scream and scream out of frustration as to why I have to wait another year or so to hold my son, and I don't want to mention that I just don't know if I'm going to make it.... which is why I haven't been writing lately. Ok, so I just mentioned it all, see do you understand now? I think I'm going crazy, slowly I will be getting worse in the next year. I yearn to hold him everyday, I haven't been crying which is great and an unbelievable thing for me, I just wake up every morning and say to my understanding husband "Ok, I'm ready now" I know so many out there have been waiting much longer and I'm trying to find strength through them but how the heck did you do it. I have told myself to stop blogging, stop reading, stop shopping stop everything and just go ahead with the year to come as if nothing is going on, well that lasted a whole minute. I just can't shut it off, I just wish I could find the switch. Every day I go over and over in my head about ways that this could possibly go by faster and come up empty handed....so needless to say i think I'm in a "FRUSTRATION" stage and hope to get passed it shortly.... Did I mention, I didn't want to mention any of this.....
I sure wish I could do this again....Smile... :(

4 comments:

Stephanie said...

Hey Natalie,

I was just going to comment on your last post wondering where you are!!

If there is anything I can do let me know!! A phone call, a girls weekend, a trip to Hawaii??!!(okay well I can't afford the last one!!)

Talk to you soon!

Steph :-)

Alysia and Derrick said...

Oh Natalie,
I sure feel for you. I have felt very much the same way many times. I can't "forget" about this adoption either, but I do try to keep focused on my students, and doing a good job, as much as possible, while of course still being distracted by all my hopes and dreams of the baby to come. I keep telling myself that the longer I can work, the more likely we'll have the adoption paid off by the time our baby comes home, and that helps me a lot. Hang in there!
Alysia

Alicia said...

This is also a rough time of year. I bet if you look back on years past you'll notice a trend of feeling down.
The waiting sucks, plain and simple. For now find something that can occupy your time. Catch up on books you want to read, movies you want to see, or restaurants that you want to try. When the spring comes you can get outside and garden, golf, walk etc.

The Mannings said...

hey - i hear you with 'trying to turn it off'. Seems like adoption is all consuming.
But thanks for sharing - you gotta let it out and we are always here to listen.
brenda