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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Letter to my son.

I really don't have much reason to write this post as everyone out there knows that our agency filed for bankrupcy and closed it's doors on Monday July 13th 2009, however this blog was created for my son and for him I am writing this post today. I am not sure where this journey will go, however I feel in my heart that my son is still waiting for me out there somewhere in Ethiopia. Why not start over you may ask? Because my son, Kaysen, is in Ethiopia, he is no where else other than my heart and I can only hope and pray that someday, some how he will be in my arms but if that doesn't happen I must face it and move on....somehow. I know I shouldn't give up and part of me is still fighting strong, but the other half needs to write this letter.

My dearest Kaysen,
I am so sorry that we were not able to meet, that your daddy and I were not able to bring you home and give you the life you deserve. Although I will never have a face to attach to the bond in my heart, please now that we love you so much. We are struggling to keep hope and keep faith but it's hard. Our hearts are broken and we are not sure how to let go. Part of us will never let you go and hopefully some miracle will happen and we will be together some day. I have been dreaming of you for the last year and half, you are what kept me going from day to day, dreaming of someday being a mom. I don't understand why this is happening to us and more importantly to you. We have always believed you were meant to be ours and Iwant you to know that in our hearts you will always be ours. No other child will replace you as you were meant for us. I can only hope that you do get a nice home and family to love you as much as we do and that you will grow to be someone special. My dreams of becoming a mother have been left in Ethiopia with you, and if you are out there, and are meant to come home to us, please be strong and know that we are doing everything we can to get you. You are a very large part of my life and although some may not understand as they feel I have not seen you yet, you are my son, and I will always tell people the story of my son. I am trying to stay strong and I can assure you that part of me will never let you go. I dont want to give up, but I just want the pain to go away, i have pain in my heart since this journey began, longing to have you home and i'm just so tired of the pain. I promise you that I will keep praying and keep faith that we will be together someday but please, please know that we love you so much and will never be whole without you in our lives.

Love your mommy and daddy. xoxoxox


PLEASE NOTE: I will not be posting anything for awhile as this journey was for Kaysen, should the circumstances change and our journey get back on track so will this blog. I thank you all for your support and do hope with all my heart to be posting again soon. My thoughts and prayers are with all the families out there that are affected. May you find your way to your children as I hope to somehow find my way as well.

12 comments:

darci said...

oh Natalie, just sobbing for you, for all of us. What a beautiful beautiful letter. I am so so sorry for the pain you are going thru. I had a friend compare this to being pregnant for a long, long time and then losing the baby, and that is what it feels like to me, to have a life, my child, ripped away. I feel your hurt, I'm so sorry, and I wish and pray for a miracle. I'm sure you have a great support circle, but just so you know, my email is mhovdestad at hotmail dot com if you ever want to chat.
praying foryou this evening. darci

Sarah said...

Oh Nat, your letter is just heart-breaking. I am hoping and wishing and hoping and wishing that things will get sorted out and that you will be meeting Kaysen sometime soon.

Carolyn said...

Natalie- I cry as I read this and I am speechless. I know that nothing I say right now can help take any of the pain away. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I too and hoping for a miracle and that some way some how all the families will still get to meet their children. I am thinking of you lots.

Carolyn

Chantal said...

Natalie,

I don’t know you, but I have to told you that I really understand what you are living right now. I wait for a long time my little Angel from Ukraine and my agency close last year… leaving me without my little Angel. Like you, I don’t have a face to attach to the bond in my heart, but he is there. It is close to a year, but it is style hurting like if it was yesterday. I am just writing you this and I am crying… I hope you will find hope and faith somewhere. I don’t want a other child, I try to start another adoption, but my heart is not there, it is still in Ukraine… maybe in a couple of years, but I don’t know.
I hope a miracle happen and your Kaysen come in your arms.

Chantal
www.angedukraine.blogspot.com (sorry, my blog is all French, my English is terrible)

Rhonda, Kristin, Eden said...

Natalie,

This is a beautiful letter. I just am so so sad for you and what has happened. Kaysen will come into your life one day. Please don't ever give up on him.

Alysia and Derrick said...

Oh Natalie, I'm so sorry. This has truly been a devastating week for us all. But like you said, we will keep praying and will keep trusting. I do believe that the devil is trying very hard to get us down. He knows our sensitive areas and he has kicked us where is hurts so much we can hardly breathe at times. But God is bigger than that and ultimately he will make all things right. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" Revelation 21:4,5
Take care my blogging buddy. You will be in our prayers.

Alysia

Lj said...

Dear Nat - I don't know what to say - I am sooo sorry! This makes my heart sad and I've only known about your journey for the past 2 months. Don't lose hope - good things come to good people - you and Chris deserve the best! For your sake and for the sake of those children we must believe that something will work out!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful letter to Kayson!
Thinking of you & waiting for the best for you both!
Hugs, Lynda

lyndsey&kevin said...

Natalie,
I am thinking of you
Stay strong (as I know you are!!) and DO NOT give up hope, it is ALL we have. I will be awaiting your future comments and the the story to your son!!!
Lyndsey

Kendra said...

Natalie,

I feel the same way right now. I hope something comes of all this so we can continue the journey to our children in Ethiopia. I have been battling as well feeling like that is where my family is or will be. Stay strong.

Kendra

Stephanie said...

Dearest Natalie,

The tears are streaming down my face. Your letter was beautiful. You are going to be an amazing mother! I am praying very hard that the outcome from all this will be even better than we can imagine.

Love you lots!

Steph :-)

Rana and Yvan said...

Natalie, your letter is so beautiful but heartbreaking.

I wish I could make this all go away and take your pain away too.

Sending you love,

Rana

tobink said...

We also had our dossier in Ethiopia, so I understand the loss, although I could not have expressed my feelings as beautifully as you have.

I'm very, very sorry.

Karen T.