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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

One Year ago today

I was the happiest person in the world. I was floating around the house knowing that in less than a year I would finally know what my son looks like, I would finally be able to say i'm a mom and this is my forward to picture, not a mother.

This past year has been a year of emotional up and downs, I had rough months in the begining of the year but I got passed them knowing it would soon end. and then the bankruptcy happened and really shook things up, I went from the happiest moment to the lowest moment of my life. It's been a rough few months and the adoption is back on....well hopefully anyways. I know it sounds like i'm not excited about it, but my insides won't allow me to get excited. Although I know I must believe that it will all work out, my subconsciousness is not allowing me to accept it. Hopefully we will find out by next week if all is okay and maybe then I'll be excited again but till then I just go on. Day by day.

The bankruptcy not only stole my child, my money and my mental state but it also made me lose the excitement I had for the adoption journey. I honestly just want the end to be here. I don't want it to be the end as in no Kaysen, just the end as in we are all home and safe and we can place all this "fun" stuff behind us.

So sorry for the buzz kill of a post today but although it's been a year and we should be celebrating, I am not feeling like celebrating.


Stephanie said...

It has been a very hard year for you!! But the next one will be soooo much better and you will have your son!!

"Lean on me...when you're not strong....I'll be your friend....I"ll help you carry on!!!!"

Steph :-)

Craig and Jaclyn said...

Thinking of you guys. This has been such a tough year for you guys, and you are completely entitled to deal with it however you want to. I hope that the next couple of weeks brings good news for so many.

Alysia and Derrick said...

This has indeed been quite the year! But hang in there! Even though our journey has changed I believe that there will still be a happy ending for you and for us! We must keep believing!


Rana and Yvan said...

As the others have already said, this has been a very hard year for you.

It is natural to protect your heart.

We are all hear to listen when you need it!!!

turgeonexpansion said...

It's hard to get excited again after all you've been through, it's understandable to have your guard up. I truly hope 2010 is your year!

Sarah said...

We'll get there!

The Mannings said...

I totally understand that you don't want to get excited - its been a big hurt and its a huge step to trust again. But the good news is that one year is done and we dont have to do that year again!!! You are that much closer to your Kaysen and his momma is a strong cookie. You are all the stronger for having gone through this mess. Looking forward to good news this week!!