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Friday, March 12, 2010

This Ones Really Hard to Swallow

I'm still trying to figure out how I will move on with this latest news and learn to accept it.

It seems some adoptive parents out there have gone to Ethiopia to pick up their children only to change their minds and leave them their. Making these children unavailable for adoption as their completed adoption cannot be revoked. They would sadly have to stay in the system forever.

What this has done is somewhat forced the government to look at changing the rules for picking up your children. What they are now wanting is that we go to Ethiopia, meet our child, make a decision to continue, represent ourselves in court as his/her future parents and then leave, come home wait for the Visa to be approved and go back to pick the child up. Yep, two trips, one of them leaving our child behind. I know there are many countries out there that have this procedure in place for adoptions. However, when we looked at all the countries out there, the one visit factor had a major impact on our decision.

I know myself and know that I will NOT be able to leave Kaysen behind. After waiting years and years and years to finally see him, hold him, feed him, physically love him instead of just in my heart, there is NO WAY i'll be able to leave. Leave him in the care of others, take a 16 hrs flight home without him; live months at home without him; and wait everyday on pins and needles waiting to get the call to go back get him. I just can't wrap my head around it and I'm not sure if I ever will.

Every let down we have been through so far, including the bankruptcy, has been something we have somehow been able to find strenght and get through. But this I don't think so. I'll be okay for now, but when the time comes I honestly don't know how I will do it.

How a parent can change their minds at the last minute and leave them there is unimaginable to me and I feel so sad for the children left behind. I also completely understand why they would want to protect the children and know that I will want to stay to protect my child once he is legally mine and will not want to leave.

Every few weeks there is a new disappointment. A large part of me just wants to give up. I won't give up, but I want to. I can't hurt anymore, I just want to be happy. As Chris said yesterday, there is no way we would ever forgive ourselves for taking the easy way out and giving up but the thought at this point seems like the only way to stop the hurt.

We always imagine the day we will finally get to hold our son and bring him home, which is what keeps us going from day to day. Now knowing we have to leave him will make it so much harder but our love for each other, our family and our son will keep us going, on the thought of someday FINALLY BEING TOGETHER AS ONE.

I ask the question again. WHY?


Alicia said...

This is the first I've heard of this and it's HORRIBLE! It's so sad as the children that you meet are not necessarily the children you'll get... Please let me explain that. The day we met Sofia she was quiet and vacant. Grant and I went home and tried to figure out how our new life was going to work, as the vacant child we met wasn't the vibrant child we expected. A few days and a LOT of hugs later the real Sofia emerged! I believe that she was in survival mode from living in the transition house and once she realized who we were and that we loved her unconditionally she opened up! It was an amazing transition to experience.

Despite our first opinion I can imagine deciding I didn't want her. What kind of monster does that? International Adoption is the hardest thing we have ever done. And it doesn't look like it's going to be any easier next time.

Connie said...

That is unimaginable... to leave an adopted child behind because they changed their mind! I didn't know people actually did that! (or that they were allowed to for that matter!) I can't wrap my head around what happens these children. Can't they be "re-adopted"?

The journey is so very hard, but don't give up. Chris is right... you'd never forgive yourself if you give up.

Jennifer said...

I can honestly relate to EVERYTHING you just said in this post! Financially this will totally suck, but not as much as holding your little one, just to leave, and not know how long it's going to be till you see them again. I can tell that no matter how much of the crap we've all been going through, that, is going to be the hardest. I just don't know if I will be able to leave, I just don't know it. I totally feel your pain, and if I were closer I could tell we'd have a great big ol' hug, and cry our eyes out!