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Saturday, May 29, 2010

Why?

That seems to be the only title I can think of lately. I just don't understand, WHY? What is the reason we have to go through all this? Why can't decisions be made for us or someone lead us in the right direction. I know I haven't written in a while and it's because it's easier that way. Of course I want to tell you all how life in BC has been and I will but it's just easier to not read, write, comment, speak about, read about or do anything else that has to do with the adoption. I'M DONE!!!!! I know many of you reading this will understand what I mean but to those who don't, what i'm saying is that i'm done with the hurting, I DON'T WANT TO HURT NO MORE!!!!
All I want is for us to be parents, to help guide a child into life and enrich their life with love and laughter as they would do for us. I can't believe I have put Chris and I through all this. we thought adoption was the best way for us, we thought, why spend money trying to create a child when there are so many out there that need a home. But lately I keep second guessing myself. I just don't know what to do. I can deal with the wait but what I can't deal with is the emotions and the financials. You will notice that I have tried to avoid anything too negative in my blog as I am writing this for my future son, and I would never want him to think I didn't want him, which is why i haven't mentioned the cost too much, but i'm done, i'm done trying to make believe everything is AOK. It's not, we have to come up with alot more money to get a home study redone and all our documents redone, because we moved to BC and because our paperwork will expire soon. It's just like starting over, except that we have a place in line. We then have to come up with travel money twice, vaccine money, post placement money and we still won't have a child for a long time. The well is dry and I don't know what to do. When we started this adoption I was in Real Estate and although we didn't make millions, I would get nice cheques to cover all these extras, but now I don't have those anymore and I really don't know what to do.

I know I can go back to Real Estate but the amount of debt Real Estate has placed on us over the years is not worth it. I keep telling myself we will figure it out, but what are we suppose to do. I know we could go to the bank to get a loan, but that well is going dry as well. there is just so much they are willing to give us. I keep telling myself that there has to be a cut off point, where we just can't go anymore, but the dream and hopes inside of us will not let us do it. I no longer feel like the end result will be us holding our son, I now feel that we will have to drop out because we won't have the money to keep going. We still have over a year (or more) to go and things have been changing all the time, and it's always more money, more wait. I hope and pray everyday that money will come, that we will be able to move ahead, that we will hold our son.....but I just don't know how.

So again, I ask
WHY did this happen
WHY are we still crying about this years after it should have been done
WHY can't someone else tell us what we need to do
and most of all
WHY CAN'T WE BE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!

5 comments:

Nicole Bellefleur said...

Nathalie, I've been feeling very much like this these last few weeks... some days, it seems impossible to believe I'll ever be somebody's mommy. The ever-increasing wait is all the harder to accept, knowing that every night, millions of kids go to sleep on the streets and in orphanages, lonely and scared, wishing they had someone to love them. It just doesn't make any sense at all.

Big hug,

Nicole

Stephanie said...

You KNOW I understand! Anytime you need to vent I'm here. You WILL be parents....keep thinking as positively as you can.

Love,

Steph :-) xo

Ranavan said...

I ask myself the same things all the time Natalie.

Hugs,

Rana

Jessa Rodenburgh said...

I feel the exact same way. This month has been so hard!!! I keep bracing myself for more bad news... If one more person tells me this is God's plan I may spontaneously combust!

I'm so sorry all of us have had to go through this... As phenomenally trite as it sounds, it simply isn't fair. That said, I am here for you any time you need me. xx

Lj said...

Aw Nat - I am so sorry! I can't even imagine what this all weighs like on you & Chris. I've been thinking about you far away in BC & wondering how you were doing! Sending you a hug & hang in there! Thinking of you lots!
Lynda