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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

One year ago today...

our world feel apart. I will always remember the day detail by detail as if it happened yesterday. I was in Dallas when I got the news and headed home on the next flight. I won't go into details here about the day as it will only bring back bad memories but I would like to take this time to reflect on the last year.

Although, I didn't realize it at the time, July 13 2009 was the day I began to grieve the lose of Kaysen. Yes, I know, I didn't know what he looked like but he was a person in my heart, he was our child that we dreamed about everyday, he was real to us. Many people don't understand how it feels to love someone so much that is really just in your heart but I know the people who saw our pain, the adoption, infertile community will understand completely. It hurts. Does it hurt as much as it would if I had been pregnant? I don't know, cause i've never been pregnant but I know that it ripped out my insides and until just recently still hurt every single day. Just thinking of it now bring back a little pain in my heart. Needless to say, I grieved him. I went a little crazy inside and I really couldn't understand why this was happening.
We went months not knowing what would be our next step, part of me was hoping and praying it would keep going and the other part of me was hoping and praying it would end. I knew we could never make the decision to leave the program ourselves and often hoped they would just do it for us.
In Oct/Nov, we got the news that all was good to go again, all we had to do was give them more money and we would keep going as usual. I remember saying to Chris, "I'm done, i'm ready to move on" and he said "Babe, you know you will never forgive yourself if you let it go" and he was right, so we sent them more money and one we went with the waiting. Although we were happy things were back on, the "wonderful, exciting" adoption feeling never came back. I woke up every morning hoping to feel the happiness and hope again but it wasn't there, I tried and tried, I think I even believed it at times but now looking back I know that it was never there and I now realize that the reason it never came back is because I was still grieving on a daily basis and I couldn't handle that the agency had all the control. In our minds, we had no choice to make, we were so commited, emotionally and financially. I kept saying "they could call us tomorrow and say we need x amount more money and we would say OK" They had us in a very bad position and we had no idea when enough was enough...I mean how do you decide that we can't take anymore when it came to a child.
I was so jealous that I didn't have another option, we couldn't leave the program and we would be waiting years for our son to come home. I was emotionally tired of the pain and the shattered dreams, we both were.
It took me a long time to grieve Kaysen, but moving here to BC gave us new options, and after making the decision to start a new program I feel the pain is finally gone. Well, it's there, it will probably always be there, but I don't wake up with it anymore. The excitement of adoption is back. Yay!!!!!!!!!!
We will never know or understand why we went through what we went through to get us to where we are today. But I do know that we are much stronger for it, our relationship is stronger for it and we now know we can get through hard times and come out smiling on the other end.
We are both getting the excitement back and we both feel we are now in the right direction to our son. We will never forget the pain we felt for Kaysen but we have moved on and I finally feel healed in my heart. It took a full year since the bankruptcy but time does heal all wounds.
I want to thank everyone in our lives, including all the adoption community for the continued support and encouragement throughout this past year, we would not have gotten where we are today without the love of you all.
We look forward to the year ahead and leaving the hurt and pain behind.
Congratulations to us all for getting past the bankruptcy and keeping our dreams alive, whether we are on the same path to our child or have chosen another, we deserve to be happy for getting through it.

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