This morning I got up and headed down to our local post office with a large box filled with paperwork and 10 beautiful printed and binded adoption profiles, to finally mail it all out to our new adoption agency. Now all we are waiting on is for our social worker to finish the updated homestudy and all the work from our end is done.
As I was getting everything into the box last night I was super emotional and shaky. You would think after all this time that I wouldn't get effected like I do anymore, I mean it's only paperwork right?! Well that's what Chris was saying last night too... But it's not just paperwork, it's months of getting things ready, filling out page after page of our life, signing document after document after document, meetings with social worker and creating an 18 page document about our life together and why the birth mother should choose us. The next person to read the profiles in the box (besides the agency of course) will be a birth mom. She will be ready this document about us, seeing our pictures and deciding if we are good enough to raise her child. I can only hope and pray that the letter I wrote to her was good enough, that I included enough "perfect" pictures, that she looks at us and says "YES" they are the ones. It's tough writing something to someone that you don't know, and asking them to give you the biggest gift in the world...their child. I wish there was pixie dust I could include in each profile package that would send her a message of the love her child will receive. I am feeling excited and so scared all at the same time. I know you will all say "Don't worry, you'll get chosen" but the fear of not getting chosen is greater than the excitement of getting chosen.
Today I am taking on the task of painting the nursery and getting it ready as I want it to be ready should the day come faster than expected. It may seem to some like it's just painting a room, but it's so much more than that. I have such great fear of getting the nursery ready. Although, I have waited years and years to do this and am having fun with my little projects, I'm so scared that I will have to someday paint it again to neutral as it may not happen.
The bankruptcy last year came with a large brick wall that I have been able to disassemble one brick at a time, but there is this last little bit of the wall that just won't break, I think it will be there until the day I hold our son. I can`t wait till the day that the wall is completely gone, that Chris can also get excited again and that our son is finally home where he belongs in his beautifully decorated nursery.
I have to ask you all one more time to please pray that this will finally happen for us and that we will finally be able to experience the joys of loving something more than ourselves.
To the birth mother, please know that the package we sent out today was filled with love, hope and strength for you as you face some difficult choices in the coming months. xo
4 comments:
Oh Natalie! I totally understand what you mean about the fear of not being chosen overwhelming the excitement, because I was there too! I didn't know why anyone would choose us. I was sure there were so many better candidates out there. But I had to also at the same time believe that someday someone WOULD choose us. And they did! At the right time, four weeks after we'd once again been shattered by losing the first match. I know you can't feel confidence yet that it will happen, but I believe you will as time goes by, and when you hold your son in your arms, all of these emotions now will be a special part of the journey to him. I'm so glad your profiles are on there way! Congrats on getting that big step done!
Natalie, it is so NOT just paperwork. It is you and Chris in that box...your life. This is the ultimate in putting yourself 'out there' and the fear of rejection must be amplified hugely by how much you want this! It's like being kids again, standing against the wall to be chosen for teams in PE class. 'Pick me, pick me' running through your head. Except the person choosing this time is a birth mom, and the stakes are higher than ever. I am not going to tell you 'don't worry, you'll be chosen'. Why? Because you will worry anyway, and because you know that a baby is waiting for you! You just don't know when! That is the part that kills me about our wait. I just don't know when. I hardly know you, and I like you! So, I know I'd like you even more if I saw all of your perfect photos and read a letter from you about how much you want to be a mommy and daddy.
I admire your choice to move programs. Part of me wishes we had moved to the Florida program last summer. But, I am too emotionally invested in Ethiopia now, and sadly, the $ has run out.
The milestone of having papers go off in the mail is huge! I hope you and Chris go celebrate!!!
Hugs to you!
Claire
Congrats Natalie! What a huge step and I totally understand your fear about not getting chosen. Although it is difficult... try to remember to celebrate these little steps along the path to your son!
Sending prayers and good vibes your way,
Karin
P.S. nice work on the change table!
Natalie and Chris, welcome to BC!! and can't wait for your phone to ring :) , I am in Castlegar and often make trips to Kelowna and Kamloops for work so we might cross paths one day - just had my 18yr. old niece streak my hair to save $$. lol and it looks great.
blessings,
shirley
*new IA, just accepted referral for 2girls.
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