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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Reality

Why is it that realitynever fails to contantly come back and hit you when you just start to put it aside. We have been doing so well with this new journey, waiting almost 6 stress free months, no new rules everyweek, no feeling of uncertainty, just waiting, day by day. Getting up every morning, thinking is today the day, and realizing at night that it may not have been the day but it was one day closer to the day. I know, great attitude, right? But then sitting here on a snowy, cold spring day alone with my thoughts and feelings and the reality of the pain comes creeping back up. The hurt that we feel for not being parents yet, the hurt of the emptiness inside. I've been struggling with the lump in my throat all day, trying to fight the reality of not being a parent yet and finally I lost the battle. Luckily, the breakdown only last minutes now, unlike my days of full on breakdown, but the pain is still there. Dealing with reality of the wait is getting easier as the months go by, however the reality of the doubt that "this may not happen, why would someone pick us" also comes back when you least expect it. Having passed my moment, the pain has subsided and I am now ready to deal with the reality of waiting again, waiting months and months for the birth mother of our son to choose us to be the parents of her child. The reality of not knowing what day it will happen, and how long we have to wait. However, the biggest reality of all is that our dream is waiting to be fulfilled everyday, and our love for our son grows with every hit of reality.

2 comments:

turgeonexpansion said...

Oh Nat, the lack of control and planning is the worst. Hang in there, this will happen. It will be the best!!

Derrick, Alysia, and Levi said...

Oh Natalie. I just wish I could make it easier for you somehow. Even though it has been almost a year since Levi came into our lives, I have not forgotten that deep pain and longing each day brought for so many years before that. I am praying that your baby is going to be born soon! I think about you lots and lots and I just KNOW that right baby is coming soon. Just think, it has been six months already and you will most likely not wait six more months. So you are more than half way there! Maybe tomorrow will be the day, but I am SURE that your baby IS a living being at this moment, tucked safely inside his birth mom, chosen for you. He is real. And he will be yours. But I know it is hard to see that when the doubts and pain creep in. I do remember. . . But you WILL be a mom. Hang on to that.