5 yrs Cancer Free!!! A time to celebrate

6 yrs ago we found out my sister was going to have to embark on the largest fight of her life. The fight against cancer, and today marks the day we celebrate that she is officially 5 yrs cancer free. YAHOOOOOO!!!
She has been such a strong fighter throughout her battle and an inspiration to us all. She often says how blessed she is to have her family and her life to live to the fullest everyday, however we are the ones that are blessed to have her.
She is always smiling and always knows how to make others around her feel loved and happy. She is an inspiration to me, she helps me to stay strong and keep fighting my own little fight. The devastation I felt when we received the news was unbearable, to think I might someday lose my sister, my friend is a thought I never want to think again. She is my best friend, my confident and someone I feel proud to say is my sister. I don't only get to say "Hey, I know Renee" I get to shout out to the world "Renee, is MY SISTER!!!"
I look forward to having her around when I have a family. She has been a wonderful mother to her three beautiful girls for 19 yrs now, and I can only hope and pray that I will be so loyal, trusting, and nurturing with my child.
I thank God everyday for not having taken her away. I need her now, and always. She brightens up my day and is one of only two people (my brother being the second) that has lived the same life as me and has been there for it all. She is always there to pick me up when I am down and to celebrate every milestone in my life.

I love you Renee, and feel blessed to have you. Thank you for being who you are and for being my big sister. xoxo

???

What is wrong with me? That's the familiar question i've been asking myself in the last few weeks. It seems everyday the pain inside is getting worse. I'm days away from finally getting word that we are "officially" waiting again, but i'm scared as ever. I keep saying i'm struggling inside, but I have no way to express what that struggle is. I wake up with pain. It's been gone for so long and now it's come back. Why did it come back?
I should be excited to be "officially" waiting again, so why am I so scared. I feel like history will somehow repeat itself and that in the end the result will be the same. Although a large part of me believes strongly that all this will work out, the small part that doesn't seems to be taking over. All I want is the pain and fear to go away....am I asking for too much?

Inner Struggles

Although, I am super excited that we are a few weeks away from final approval and FINALLY being active in our new program. I'm having an internal struggle with having to officially let go of the Ethiopian Program. We have technically let go of the program, however our file is still active there until I give the final "OK, we are done"
My logical side knows that this is the best thing for us, and that although we would perharps get an Ethiopian referral before the Florida one, our chances of having our baby home first is greater with Florida. The fact that we will be getting a newborn vs a child closer to one if not older is a major plus and the fact that we only have to travel to go get him once is a large plus. As mentioned, that is my logical side.
My emotional side is torn. We have been on this journey a long time, we are approaching 21 months of waiting, when I said I could never wait that long. We are so close to the end that my emotional side is saying...why not stay and see what happens. Obviously, I would LOVE to do both, but we can't and we made a decision that is best for our family. But my heart is hurting again. It's the final chapter of my book to Ethiopia and it's hard to see it end.
I know that once it's official and the word has been given it will be easier but for some reason I've been keeping it going. I keep saying "I don't want to let it go until we are approved in BC, just in case" but reality is, if we don't get approved in BC for the Florida program we wouldn't be approved for the Ethiopian program neither, so once again my emotions are hanging on.
After discussing my struggle with Chris over the weekend, we have decided that this week is the week. I will be sending Imagine Adoption "THE EMAIL" this week to officially let go of Ethiopia and Kaysen.
I am super excited for our new journey to Quinten, it's just that Kaysen has been in our hearts a long time. Although I have grieved for him he's been a large part of our journey to parenthood and this part of the journey will never be forgotten. Unfortunately, I find his name on all kinds of things, but it's ok. A name can be replaced on items, but the dream of having him, our Ethiopian son, will never be replaced.
Our journey to Quinten will be a new, exciting adventure and I can't wait to someday tell him how we came to bringing him into our home and our hearts. As well as tell him of all the obsticles and journeys we had to go endure to have our son with us, the son that is meant to be ours.