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Friday, September 17, 2010

???

What is wrong with me? That's the familiar question i've been asking myself in the last few weeks. It seems everyday the pain inside is getting worse. I'm days away from finally getting word that we are "officially" waiting again, but i'm scared as ever. I keep saying i'm struggling inside, but I have no way to express what that struggle is. I wake up with pain. It's been gone for so long and now it's come back. Why did it come back?
I should be excited to be "officially" waiting again, so why am I so scared. I feel like history will somehow repeat itself and that in the end the result will be the same. Although a large part of me believes strongly that all this will work out, the small part that doesn't seems to be taking over. All I want is the pain and fear to go away....am I asking for too much?

4 comments:

elsie hiebert said...

You are speaking from my heart. The pain is there most of the time and the closer I get the more intense it gets. I pray that you will be matched quick. I'm sure you will be and we can be celebrating your new little one. And it will be a little one. If you stayed with Ethiopia you would not be having a little one. All the best!!!!

Stephanie said...

We NEED to talk!! I am feeling EXACTLY the same way!

Sending you lots of love!

Steph :-)

Tammy said...

When we got the call that our profile was chosen for Josina (6 weeks before she was due, 4 weeks before she was born) I really wasn't excited b/c I went into protective mode. I had gone through 2 years of our profile being shown and rejected...it was so painful. I was terrified that it wasn't going to happen, that it wasn't going to go through.

Our hearts can only take so much. We can only open up ourselves a little bit because our hearts are stomped on over and over again throughout this journey.

I hope when you get news that your profile is active that you start to become excited again.

Are you sure you want us to bring the baby stuff? Are you ready for it yet...or should we wait for the next visit?

Love ya girl! Can't wait to finally meet you.

Tammy

La Belle Vie said...

I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. Of course you have trepidations, you have been through so much! I also find it hard to trust the process...

I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love and positive vibes. xx