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Monday, September 6, 2010

Inner Struggles

Although, I am super excited that we are a few weeks away from final approval and FINALLY being active in our new program. I'm having an internal struggle with having to officially let go of the Ethiopian Program. We have technically let go of the program, however our file is still active there until I give the final "OK, we are done"
My logical side knows that this is the best thing for us, and that although we would perharps get an Ethiopian referral before the Florida one, our chances of having our baby home first is greater with Florida. The fact that we will be getting a newborn vs a child closer to one if not older is a major plus and the fact that we only have to travel to go get him once is a large plus. As mentioned, that is my logical side.
My emotional side is torn. We have been on this journey a long time, we are approaching 21 months of waiting, when I said I could never wait that long. We are so close to the end that my emotional side is saying...why not stay and see what happens. Obviously, I would LOVE to do both, but we can't and we made a decision that is best for our family. But my heart is hurting again. It's the final chapter of my book to Ethiopia and it's hard to see it end.
I know that once it's official and the word has been given it will be easier but for some reason I've been keeping it going. I keep saying "I don't want to let it go until we are approved in BC, just in case" but reality is, if we don't get approved in BC for the Florida program we wouldn't be approved for the Ethiopian program neither, so once again my emotions are hanging on.
After discussing my struggle with Chris over the weekend, we have decided that this week is the week. I will be sending Imagine Adoption "THE EMAIL" this week to officially let go of Ethiopia and Kaysen.
I am super excited for our new journey to Quinten, it's just that Kaysen has been in our hearts a long time. Although I have grieved for him he's been a large part of our journey to parenthood and this part of the journey will never be forgotten. Unfortunately, I find his name on all kinds of things, but it's ok. A name can be replaced on items, but the dream of having him, our Ethiopian son, will never be replaced.
Our journey to Quinten will be a new, exciting adventure and I can't wait to someday tell him how we came to bringing him into our home and our hearts. As well as tell him of all the obsticles and journeys we had to go endure to have our son with us, the son that is meant to be ours.


The Hattons... said...

Thank you for sharing your inner struggles - your more vulnerable side. Do grieve. I think it will be an important and understandable step in the whole process.
Congratulations on your new journey too!

zabe77 said...

I'm sorry this has been such a rough road. We haven't had as much of a struggle with adoption as you have but we had to make the choice to let go of domestic/open adoption for international. I know we made the right choice for us though, as I'm sure you have for your family. I hope you and Quinten find each other very soon.

Tammy said...

Oh Natalie, I feel for you, I really do. It is such a hard decision to come to and then to actually follow through with it must be so difficult. Taking the time to grieve it is so important. New doors are opening for you and I can't wait for your new journey to begin.
P.S. I'm hoping to be at my mom's for Thanksgiving. When you know what your weekend will look like can you let me know. I'd love to finally meet you! Not sure if we can go to you but maybe you can come to us? I'll also try to bring some baby items with me. We only have a car though so can't fit very much, lol.

Janice said...

Natalie, I feel for your struggle. I'm sure it's been an extremely difficult decision. The logic sounds perfectly logical. I wish you all the best as you head down this new road.


La Belle Vie said...

We're thinking of you lots Nat. I know this wasn't an easy decision to make, and I am always here for you. I am so excited to read your news when you get your bundle of joy! This has been a crazy journey, and I can't wait to see you with your baby. ♥