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Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas and 13



Today is Christmas day. We traveled from home to my brothers house in Alliston, ON yesterday and will be spending the day here. Being with family at Christmas brings a natural joy to the room, however this year part of our family is missing. My sister's family is not with us for the first time in my life...33 yrs. It's not the same without them and I know that next year i'll be writing that it's not the same without my brother's family around. It's so hard to have such a close family be so far apart, however they are in our hearts and in our minds and in spirit they are with us. I wish them a wonderful day in there new home, celebrating Christmas and starting new traditions. Traditions I can't wait to join in on next year. We had no idea last year was going to be the last Christmas we would all be together for a long time, just goes to show how fast things change and how cherishing every moment with the ones you love is so very important.

Today also marks 13 months of us dossier being in Ethiopia. It's been a rough week leading up to today. Last year at this time I so full of hope that I would know what my son looked like this year but this year is especially hard as I don't know when our next milestone will be. I keep saying that i'm "Done" done with the pain. I'm tired of hurting for my son, i'm tired of waiting, i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of this whole process, however I seem to get up the next day and keep going and now we are at 13 a place I never thought we would be. Although I am feeling done with everything I know that I'll keep going and i'll keep getting the strenght needed to make it to 14,15, 16, 17....and so on.
When we found out about referrals a few weeks ago the HOPE returned but with the HOPE came the hurt. The hurt that eats at you every day, the hurt that makes you ill, the hurt that makes you want to stay in bed and not move until it leaves. I know this post should be a little more cheerful as it is Christmas but I can't lie to myself or anyone else that the hurt isn't there. It is and it's not fun. Christmas is suppose to be a time of happiness, joy and familly and this year it's different, we are missing some family, and again we don't have our little one to enjoy it with. I keep envisioning the day that it will be our turn but the more we wait the more it becomes a dream and not a possible reality. However, after all that sadness, I realize we are blessed to have all our family members alive and only a phone call away, I also realize we are blessed to have a new little one in my brothers family to celebrate his first Christmas and I realize that being with some family is also a blessing. Therefor, although I hurt on the inside, I will have a wonderful Christmas with my family and my husband, we must make the most of every situation in life and Christmas is one that is truly special.
I wish you all a wonderful Christmas holiday with your friends and family.

2 comments:

lyndsey&kevin said...

The wait is VERY painful. We waited 19 months to see our daughters faces, it was worth the wait. But it is still painful. I wish we were together. I HOPE next year we will be, but it is not guaranteed so I am guarded. I hope 2010 is a great year for both of us!!! It is time for it to be OUR turn!!

L

Ashleigh, Ben, Noah and Tait said...

Some of my family live just outside of Alliston...in Everett!
I understand and empathize with everything you said about the hurt and waiting and being in the same place we were last year...anticipating being in a new place this year. There is no minimizing it. I think we need to trust in our NEW agency and know that the hurt is what will mold us into better parents and better people.
Hang in there...13 is no small thing. We have so many more people rooting for us and "on our team" now than last year.
Enjoy the rest of the time with your family...I look forward to hearing about your being BC Bound :)
A