16

With all the excitement of booking my tickets I completely forgot to write about our 16th month. It's come and passed and I wasn't dwelling on it. It's not a bad thing but it still isn't fun.

On to the next....

Booked

I officially booked our tickets today. Jake and Maddux fly out on April 22nd, Ziggy and I on the 26th. The airline only allows two animals per plane so Jake and Maddux will go first and I will bring Ziggy with me when I go. I'm sick to my stomach thinking of them all sitting in a dark plane cargo for hours but if not they would be stuck in my small Civic for a 4 day drive, which would be more like 6 with the dogs. I've been reassured by many that they will be okay but it makes me very nervous.

I can't wait to see Chris and move into our new home. It is so exciting to think we are begining a new life in a new town and new province. This is something I would have never seen coming.

It feels official now and it's a good feeling. This weekend I start packing , not sure where to begin but it should be a productive few days.

Cheque is in the mail

I sent in the final installment payment to Imagine this morning. It was strange as everytime i've sent them a cheque in the past I felt a surge of excitment and hope. But today I just drop it off as if it was just any other piece of mail. No excitment, not thinging about it more than that, no extra hope, just nothing.
I'm guessing it's caused by knowing what "loss of hope" feels like and having to get through so many disappointments that i've become somewhat numb to certain things that would normally excite me. I find it sad to feel that way, this should have been an exciting day but with the latest increase in disappointment every few weeks it's hard to stay focused.
Needless to say, the cheque is in the mail, the final installment is paid and now we wait for some news. Here's hoping the next payment I send to them is the post referral payment and we are that much closer to our son.

EDIT*** I received a question from this post that I would like to clarify. My dear blogger friend asked what I meant by Post referral payment? What I meant by that is the money we have to pay to the agency for Post placement updates. This payment is to pay for all paperwork and work needed by Imagine to send in our post placement updates to the country. When we signed up we payed all our fees except for that one as it was only due after referral. I'm not too sure if this payment is no longer required but I would assume it is. Sorry for making anyone panick, I would go nuts too if I read I needed to come up with more money. That's all we've been doing lately...more money...no advance.

Saying Goodbye.

Baby Owen at 8mths old

My brother, Denis, his wife, Laura, and baby Owen just left from a weekend visit. It was nice to have them over and even better now that the house is sold and I didn't have to worry about it. We had a great time together but of course it wasn't long enough.

Denis walking the baby and dog, Kylie

Today as they were leaving it really hit me that I won't see them regularly anymore. I'll get to see them again before I leave but once i'm moved it will be only a few times a year if we are lucky. It's so strange to be so excited to start a new life in a new place but yet it's so hard to say goodbye to the part I wish I could take with me.

Matante Nat enjoying a visit with Owen and a few laughs.

Baby Owen is almost 10 months old now and he has grown up so much (as you can all see from the cute pictures) and he will grow up without me being close which I find so hard. We had so many plans to have Kaysen and Owen hang out, but with Kaysen's delay and my moving all plans have changed. One thing I promise is to still know my nephew and have Kaysen know my brother and his family. Whether through Skype, or visits they will know each other if we all make an effort.

How cute is that smile?!

I know moving is the best thing for our family, and being with Chris is the most important thing but it's still really hard to leave all that you know and most of all leaving your loved ones behind.


Thanks again for the wonderful visit Den, Laura and Baby Owen. I know it's not easy traveling with a little one and I appreciate the visit more than you will ever know.

I love you all very much and will miss you greatly. I sure can't wait for your visit to our new home. xoxoxo

Our cool boy, Baby O

SOLD SOLD SOLD

Our house if officially SOLD...YAYYYYYYY We are so excited. We will be moving at the end of April and starting our new life in BC. I can't believe it, this is such great news. Great news that we deserved...if I do say so myself. I haven't posted anything about our offer because I was so worried that it wouldn't happen if I said something but today the buyers removed the conditions and we are good to go.

I'm still shaking from excitement. Chris found us a home on Friday as well so we are just waiting for the final word from the bank and we will be new home owners in Logan Lake BC, which is approx. 30min from Kamloops. We found a super home for an even more super price. We will have to travel to get to work but it's worth the 100000$ we saved by purchasing out of the city.


I can't wait to see my sister and her family and be close to them again. I'm sad to be leaving my brother and his family but I will be coming to see them as often as I can and vow to still know my nephew Owen.

Logan Lake scenery

This Ones Really Hard to Swallow

I'm still trying to figure out how I will move on with this latest news and learn to accept it.

It seems some adoptive parents out there have gone to Ethiopia to pick up their children only to change their minds and leave them their. Making these children unavailable for adoption as their completed adoption cannot be revoked. They would sadly have to stay in the system forever.

What this has done is somewhat forced the government to look at changing the rules for picking up your children. What they are now wanting is that we go to Ethiopia, meet our child, make a decision to continue, represent ourselves in court as his/her future parents and then leave, come home wait for the Visa to be approved and go back to pick the child up. Yep, two trips, one of them leaving our child behind. I know there are many countries out there that have this procedure in place for adoptions. However, when we looked at all the countries out there, the one visit factor had a major impact on our decision.

I know myself and know that I will NOT be able to leave Kaysen behind. After waiting years and years and years to finally see him, hold him, feed him, physically love him instead of just in my heart, there is NO WAY i'll be able to leave. Leave him in the care of others, take a 16 hrs flight home without him; live months at home without him; and wait everyday on pins and needles waiting to get the call to go back get him. I just can't wrap my head around it and I'm not sure if I ever will.

Every let down we have been through so far, including the bankruptcy, has been something we have somehow been able to find strenght and get through. But this I don't think so. I'll be okay for now, but when the time comes I honestly don't know how I will do it.

How a parent can change their minds at the last minute and leave them there is unimaginable to me and I feel so sad for the children left behind. I also completely understand why they would want to protect the children and know that I will want to stay to protect my child once he is legally mine and will not want to leave.

Every few weeks there is a new disappointment. A large part of me just wants to give up. I won't give up, but I want to. I can't hurt anymore, I just want to be happy. As Chris said yesterday, there is no way we would ever forgive ourselves for taking the easy way out and giving up but the thought at this point seems like the only way to stop the hurt.

We always imagine the day we will finally get to hold our son and bring him home, which is what keeps us going from day to day. Now knowing we have to leave him will make it so much harder but our love for each other, our family and our son will keep us going, on the thought of someday FINALLY BEING TOGETHER AS ONE.

I ask the question again. WHY?

Can't take much more....

We received an update today from Imagine. Looks like the referrals will be slowing down in the next few months as MOWA has decided to no longer issue adoption letters for certain regions of Ethiopia to try and discourage parents relinquishing their rights.
Well wouldn't you know it, we are working with 4 orphanages and 3 of the 4 are in the regions they have decided not to approve....:(

I just don't understand how much more we are suppose to take. I know I will have people saying..." it's only temporary" "stay positive" and so on... but save it, today I'm disappointed discouraged, wanting to give up. Chris and I have been through so much in wanting to start a family. Why is it so hard? We got through the bankruptcy, and I was very reserved in getting excited again. Then the referrals started, and of course my hopes were up again....and now this. I feel it would be so much easier to say "I'm done, let's move on" but my heart would never let it happen.

WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to BC

I just got back from dropping Chris off at the airport as we must return to real life now and must go back to BC. It was hard seeing him go but I think i'll be okay. This time I only have one month to be alone as my parents come back from Arizona in a month. I have also decided to not spend the next months sitting on my butt and gaining weight like I did last time. I've decided to get off my butt, visit people, and just live. The last few months were very hard as I went to work, walked the dogs and that was about it, I don't want to do that again. Why make things harder than they need to be right?
So here's to another few months of waiting, hopefully good things happen with the house and we get a finishing date to this seperation but I will take it one day at a time, and will find things to do with myself in the mean time. I do have a great book to read after all....

There is no me without you

The day after Chris got home we went to our mail box and to my surprise my wonderful husband had sent me a gift. I mentioned to him the week before that I wanted to finally read the book " There is no me without you" and there it was for my enjoyment.

I have heard many good things about this book and look forward to having my own review. It's a large book so it will probably take me awhile as I tend to only read before bed, but I look forward to enjoying it.

Thank you for being so thoughtful babe, this will help with the next few months away from you.

Olympics go out with a BANG

Yesterday was the end of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver BC. Canada did amazing. We won 14 gold medals and 26 total medals. This was a record for the most gold from one country in a winter olympic ever, what a great accomplishment, and on our homeland.

It was a wonderful 2 weeks of entertainment and there quite a few moments to feel proud of being Canadian.

My niece Samantha had the opportunity to attend one of the hockey games and Jessyka, Dankia and Renee got to experience some of the activities in Vancouver. A once in a lifetime opportunity. Good for them.

WAY TO GO CANADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!