What a way to wake up?

With my new job i've had to start getting up way earlier than i'm used to, but so far it's been great because Chris is just getting home from his shift when I get up so we get to spend some time together. Well this morning he got home early, went for a walk with the dogs and brought home a fresh hand picked bouquet of flowers for me. It was such a beautiful way to wake up. Thank you my love, you make my days brighter everyday. xoxox

Change is good...new suv !!!

After years of wanting a new vehicle and finally get to the point of NEEDING a new vehicle we got a great deal on a 2010 Ford Edge AWD, so now we can feel safe driving up and down the mountain in the winter and we can look good doing it as well.



Isn't it beautiful!!!

Yahooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessa and Doug

I got to meet Jessa and Doug today. They came all the way to Logan Lake to visit, how great was that. (picture to follow) it was so nice to sit and talk with them. The instant adoption connection is amazing. I love it. So this post is for them.

Thank you for coming out, it was so great to meet you both and I can't wait to go see you guys Vancouver soon. You are as nice and great as I thought you would be. I just apologize for the mess my house was in :)

Meeting people from the same journey is just something that feels great. Although we have all been to hell and back in the last few years, the one thing we all got from this are great friendships. Often we don't get to meet the people we talk to on a weekly basis but sometimes we are lucky enough to sit and have a good chat. It just feels great. The friendships made through adoption are some of the best and dearest friendships I have. Something I will always be greatful for.

Thanks again for coming out guys, it was great.

Change is good....job front

When we moved here Chris and I decided that I wouldn't start looking for full time work until Sept of this year and enjoy my time off this summer. Well being the type of person I am, I started looking, not actively, but here and there. Well about a month ago I went for an interview and will be starting a new job in "document control" for a company that makes mobile construction site trailers among other things, not to sure about it all just yet. I'm not to sure what my position will consist of as it's a new department for the company but i'm looking forward to getting back out there....that's what I say now. The way I look at it is that every extra penny I can make, can go towards our little man and trust me we need every penny as i've mentioned in previous posts.
I really enjoyed my time at home, it was great to be off all the time but now back to reality. I haven't worked a Mon-Fri job in almost 6 years as i've been self employed so that will be something else to get used to but i'm also looking forward to not having a pile of work waiting for me everytime I walk in the door.
As my new moto says "Change is good!!!"

First meeting

We had a first meeting with our new social worker here in BC this AM and it went great. She is a down to earth kind of person which made us at ease. No matter how many times we meet with social workers that nervousness is always there. Not as much as the first visit we ever had but it's there. You know that feeling that they are literally holding your chances of having a child in their hands. I know that is not the case but the feeling just never goes away.

Anyways, we think it went great and we are meeting her again in 2 weeks. We are just finishing off the paper trail, and should have everything in place by the end of August.

It's so different this time around, it's like the motivation isn't as strong. Not that I want this any less than before but we are redoing the same old questionnaires and physicals and checks and it's just so blahhhhh this time. Hopefully it's our last time with this adoption and things actually have a happy ending this time.

Well, that's it for our latest update. Will post when I know more.

I also wanted to take this quick moment to say "i'm so sorry for all the families in the Ethiopian program with CAFAC that are left in limbo, or have had their journey end in some way or another. My heart is going out to you all and I just wish I had the right words to say to make it all better. I'm here for you and although I can't possibly understand the pain I can relate and will never judge what you are feeling." Hugs to you all.

One year ago today...

our world feel apart. I will always remember the day detail by detail as if it happened yesterday. I was in Dallas when I got the news and headed home on the next flight. I won't go into details here about the day as it will only bring back bad memories but I would like to take this time to reflect on the last year.

Although, I didn't realize it at the time, July 13 2009 was the day I began to grieve the lose of Kaysen. Yes, I know, I didn't know what he looked like but he was a person in my heart, he was our child that we dreamed about everyday, he was real to us. Many people don't understand how it feels to love someone so much that is really just in your heart but I know the people who saw our pain, the adoption, infertile community will understand completely. It hurts. Does it hurt as much as it would if I had been pregnant? I don't know, cause i've never been pregnant but I know that it ripped out my insides and until just recently still hurt every single day. Just thinking of it now bring back a little pain in my heart. Needless to say, I grieved him. I went a little crazy inside and I really couldn't understand why this was happening.
We went months not knowing what would be our next step, part of me was hoping and praying it would keep going and the other part of me was hoping and praying it would end. I knew we could never make the decision to leave the program ourselves and often hoped they would just do it for us.
In Oct/Nov, we got the news that all was good to go again, all we had to do was give them more money and we would keep going as usual. I remember saying to Chris, "I'm done, i'm ready to move on" and he said "Babe, you know you will never forgive yourself if you let it go" and he was right, so we sent them more money and one we went with the waiting. Although we were happy things were back on, the "wonderful, exciting" adoption feeling never came back. I woke up every morning hoping to feel the happiness and hope again but it wasn't there, I tried and tried, I think I even believed it at times but now looking back I know that it was never there and I now realize that the reason it never came back is because I was still grieving on a daily basis and I couldn't handle that the agency had all the control. In our minds, we had no choice to make, we were so commited, emotionally and financially. I kept saying "they could call us tomorrow and say we need x amount more money and we would say OK" They had us in a very bad position and we had no idea when enough was enough...I mean how do you decide that we can't take anymore when it came to a child.
I was so jealous that I didn't have another option, we couldn't leave the program and we would be waiting years for our son to come home. I was emotionally tired of the pain and the shattered dreams, we both were.
It took me a long time to grieve Kaysen, but moving here to BC gave us new options, and after making the decision to start a new program I feel the pain is finally gone. Well, it's there, it will probably always be there, but I don't wake up with it anymore. The excitement of adoption is back. Yay!!!!!!!!!!
We will never know or understand why we went through what we went through to get us to where we are today. But I do know that we are much stronger for it, our relationship is stronger for it and we now know we can get through hard times and come out smiling on the other end.
We are both getting the excitement back and we both feel we are now in the right direction to our son. We will never forget the pain we felt for Kaysen but we have moved on and I finally feel healed in my heart. It took a full year since the bankruptcy but time does heal all wounds.
I want to thank everyone in our lives, including all the adoption community for the continued support and encouragement throughout this past year, we would not have gotten where we are today without the love of you all.
We look forward to the year ahead and leaving the hurt and pain behind.
Congratulations to us all for getting past the bankruptcy and keeping our dreams alive, whether we are on the same path to our child or have chosen another, we deserve to be happy for getting through it.

Love this song

Everytime I hear this song it makes me feel warm and peaceful.
Love it.

Nursery Planning

I've spent the last 2 days looking at the internet trying to find the perfect items for the nursery. I'm feeling so good about all that is happening that I'm actually thinking of starting the decor once our approval is in....crazy right?

I just figure, if the decor is done the only things left to do will be to purchase the crib and dresser and put them in place. With this new journey the call can come at any time and the birth mother can be anywhere in her pregnancy, so I figure, better be safe than sorry...:)

I've asked myself many times today if i'm just setting myself up for disappointment but I'm feeling okay with it so i'm taking the risk.

I can't wait to share the before and after and in between stages with you but I won't be able to until it's complete as i'm keeping it a surprise from Chris. As you and he already know it's a baseball theme but that's all he's getting. I've purchased some really cool things to accent the room and I have a list of little projects to keep me busy, I can't wait to get started.

I'm off to Edmonton this week to help my cousin out with her work which will make the week go by faster and our appointment is the day after I get back. At least at that time i'll have a better idea how things work and if I can started.

I hope you all have a wonderful week. Cheers!!

Before and After

This is the size of clothes I have been buying for the last 2 years (12-24 mths)

this is an 18mth sleeper

and THIS is what I get to buy now....i couldn't resist yesterday..... 3 mths

it's half the size....SO CUTE.

Chris' facial expression was priceless when I showed it to him, I think his stress meter just went up a few notches....lol :)

and the fun begins.....I PROMISE TO HAVE CONTROL THIS TIME....maybe if I keep telling myself that I will.

Adoption Profile....

CHECK! Yep, i've completed it. It's a beautiful 18 page summary of what our life is all about and a why a birth mother would choose us. I've been slowly working on it for awhile but the last few days i've added the finishing touches and it's now into the hands of loved ones to make adjustments. We had our US consultation last week, which was in the form of a 2 hour phone call full of great and encouraging information and we have our appointment booked with the social worker for the 19th. We are so excited to get going on this new adventure. I feel like a child in a candy store again with the excitement I have. Just thinking that I will have a new born baby is the greatest feeling. I never thought I would get to experience the lovely first year of a child, the sleepless nights, the teething, the late night feedings just me and him. I can't wait. I know I may sound crazy wanting the sleepless nights, and I will probably change my mind once he gets here, but they are all things I envy when I look at new mothers and I WILL GET TO EXPERIENCE IT. YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

The feeling I now have inside is the same feeling I had when our dossier landed in Ethiopia, such excitement, eagerness, happiness and most of all inner peace. Everyday I wake up smiling knowing we have made the right decision. I just can't wait to get all the paperwork stuff over with and then the true waiting begins. I'm looking forward to adding a new counter to the top of this blog.

Name Change

It's been hard to let go of the name Kaysen as we've been using it for the last 2.5 yrs so today I said to Chris "Let's pick a new name so we can fully let go" and that's what we did. We had a long list of names but when we did the "which one do you like best" list, we both had one name in common on our list.... the name is......A SECRET. We are going to keep this name to ourselves until we see our little one as it was so tough with Kaysen, everyone used the name all the time so now should something bad happen again we will be able to let it go and not have to worry about others letting it go as well.

So this post is to be continued....

Feel free to guess, all I can say is it's on the 1000 top 2009 baby names...good luck.

Canada Day

Yesterday was a great day. We started off the day going out to Kamloops to spend some time at Riverside park with my sister and her family and ended it with fireworks in Logan Lake. Our little town is the best, I mean we have approx. 2000 people living here and we have our own fireworks, and being lucky as we are our is situated at the top of a hill which gives us a great view from the comfort of our own backyard. Here are some picks of our day,

My Niece Jessyka, and Evan

Enjoying time with family and friends

This was our set up in the backyard, it was raining and cold but it was great. (Excuse the psycho eyes of my dogs)

The show was great and lasted approx. 25 min.

The best way to sum up how things are feeling on the inside in the last few days are "Peace and Happiness" It's been a long time since i've been at peace on the inside and yesterday I felt so happy I wanted to shout it out from the roof tops. I feel in my heart and soul that the year ahead for us is going to be a great year, full of adventure and joy and I can't wait to share it with all of you.

Hope you had a wonderful Canada Day as well.