Just thought of something.....happiness

Yesterday I made the long drive back from Thunder Bay to Sault Ste Marie (8hrs) only to end up in a VERY dumpy hotel, with no internet, and I thought the last one was bad. Needless to say it's my fault for not making prior arrangements. The one great thing about yesterday was the absolutely gorgeous sunset that travelled with me. If anyone out there is looking for a gorgeous scenic drive you must do the drive from Thunder Bay to Sault Ste Marie, it's absolutely gorgeous and I will make sure to have my camera the next time.

All the way back I was being careful not to encounter wildlife and did good, until I reached the hotel and there to greet me in the parking lot was a large moose, again no camera so no pic, but it was great. It actually chased some guy around a tree. Quite entertaining. Anyways, being exhausted I just wanted to get to bed, so I get into this room and check for bugs, I open the curtains, and about 6 large spiders are staring at me, they were on the other side of the glass but still....yuck, after an intense bug check I settled in, above the covers, and feel asleep....zzzzzz for like 10 min. then jumped out of bed...shaking, not knowing where the heck I was and scared to death. Well that describes my every hour for the next 6 hrs evening. So, as soon as it was morning, I got up, dressed and checked out. Being on the road is a blast so far..... lol After driving around for 30min trying to find a place with internet I found a cute coffee shop and have been sitting here for the last few hours....i'm sure they will be kicking me out very soon. They will think I'm homeless or something...lol

Anyways, to get to what this post is actually about, as i'm sitting here trying to wake up I realized that I am now free to think about Kaysen (not that I ever stopped) to speak about him and his coming home someday and even more importantly I can start retail therapy again....yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. I will have to go through all is stuff to see what I have but at least I can look again, even if I don't buy as i'm sure Chris will tell me "he has enough". It will just feel good to be able to look again.

As I was driving yesterday I realized i'm finally happy again, it's been months since I could say that I was actually happy. All I wanted to do was be happy enough to be able to dance freely again (by myself as I look rediculous) but once I get home I will definitely get the dogs together and have a dance..................thank god for the great inside feeling again.

Okay, enough babbling.....you know what, it also feels great to blog again....

Lonely

Wow, 2 posts in one day.

Although we had GREAT news this week, we also got sad news. My sister and her family will be moving in 2 weeks to Kamloops BC, they are currently 15 min away and will now be 4 days away. I try not to think of it to much, which is why this will be a short post. But they will be missed. They were always there and now they won't be. On top of that, my parents are leaving for 2 months to go to Arizona, as they are retired now and want to travel, so I will go from having all my family around to Chris and I. Thank god, my brother and his family will still be close by. I miss my nephew so much and I've only known him for a few months, I can't imagine how much I will miss my family.

I love you all very much, be careful, and don't forget how to use a phone....

GREAT NEWS

I'm a few days late with this news but only because i've been on the road and super busy. I also didn't really know how to feel or what to write. So as i'm sitting here in a very dumpy hotel in Thunder Bay 13 hrs away from home and waiting for my next appointment I figured I would give it a shot.

THE ADOPTION IS BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well that wasn't so hard...lol

My son, my dear son will eventually be home. We will have to wait a little longer, and we will have to financially invest a little more but who cares, my son will be home. A month ago, I had no confidence in the plan, not because I didn't want to believe but because my heart wouldn't allow me to believe. But my dear, sweet, amazing, husband never stopped, he has always stayed positive and kept sending me his positive energy and I thank him for that. I never knew our love could grow stronger but it did, he his my soul mate, my other half and without him I would not have gotten through it. Thank you for loving me and supporting me through good times and bad. I cannot imagine my life without you. xoxoxo

I am still scared to say he WILL come home as it was so hard to deal with thinking that he may not, but I will say it, HE WILL COME HOME and I WILL BELIEVE IT.

We have all been through a rough few months, and we all became bonded for life after this experience, but I want to thank you all, my adoptive families, for your amazing support. Even those that are not with IA but always there to try and help. I also appreciate the space everyone gave us to allow us to deal with this in our own way without pushing us to feel things we may not have been ready for.

My family, here at home, has been so supportive throughout all this, and I tend to forget that this was painful for them as well. I apologize for that. Without you to provide that shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen and sometimes that silent hug to let me cry, it would have been way more difficult. I thank you for that. You were able to be strong for Chris and I although you were hurting as well and you always remained positive in front of us. You were always there to go into Kaysens room for me when I couldn't and I never even thought of how hard it must be for you to go into his room, I just knew I couldn't do it. The words "Thank you" are definitely not enough to express the gratitude, so I vow to keep showing you everyday how appreciated you and what you did are.

I love you all very much, and thank you all very much.

oh yeah, one more thing,

KAYSEN WILL COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big day has come and gone

Well friday we received the proposal and all was well, should 51% of creditors vote yes by the end of the month the possibility of a restructure is very very good. We would be so blessed to have such a great thing come out of something so very bad. So the weekend was good and positive, but then, just when you think it will all be ok. Whammmmmm, down again, it looks like referrals for IA will not begin until April 2010, and will be on a schedule of 5 referrals for the first 6mths, 10 referrals a month for the 6 mths after (Oct 2010-Apr2011) and 15 per month for the remaining months. SOOOOOOO now again, i'm down. Don't get me wrong, I did say I would wait years and years as long as it was a sure thing and Kaysen would someday be home, but now that reality hit and it may be late 2010 early 2011 before we get him it's hard to swallow. I'm still thankful for the proposal, i'm just dealing with alot of guilt. Why did this have to happen? Why can't I be okay and not have to put my family through this? Why do I have to be almost 36 to be a mother? Why can't I just shut this off for a few years and turn it back on when needed? and the why's go on and on and on, and none of them have answers.

i know I can't control what has happened to us, and why i can't have bio children but it's just hard to understand. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to have Kaysen, I just want answers. I'm also struggling with knowing that Kaysen will more than likely be the only child for us, unless we get some miracle. I'm troubled that we are in a position of no choices, seeing as we are so emotionally and financially invested there is no other way or option.

I remember seeing other blogs with 23 months waiting for a referral and thought, OH MY GOD how do they do it? Well I guess we will find out. We have been waiting almost 6 yrs to start a family and we will be waiting some more..... I just wish it would end sooner. :(

Tomorrow is the big day....

It's been confirmed by the FIA commitee that tomorrow is the day we will all be presented with the restructuring plan for Imagine. I can't even begin to think of what it will say but I can only hope for great stuff that we all agree on. According to previous news, we will have approx. 30 days to review and make a decision. I'm sure we will all have our decision made by tomorrow evening or within a week at least, so i'm hoping that it won't take another month, but whatevere it takes to get closer to Kaysen we will do.

I wish luck and happiness to all involved. This has been a rough few months but we made it this far, another small step won't keep us down.

More news to come....

One more week....

According to BDO we have approx. one more week to wait for the restructuring plan....here's hoping for a good ending to the week with good news.

I have also purchased a WII fit and WII active today so here's hoping I can stick to it... no wait I will stick to it and lose the wait I need to lose before my son comes home.

Have a great week everyone,

Nine Months

2 days ago we reached the nine month waiting mark. Last months 8 mth mark I wasn't posting but with all the great things happening these days, this is a month I want to celebrate.

Here's hoping there won't be many months of waiting left.

Great news

Now if I understand this correctly we will all be presented with a restructing plan in the week to come, at which point we will review and vote on. Once a vote has been done and all agree with the plan, the plan will then be presented to the Ministry/Courts for approval and we can then all concentrate on bringing our son home.

This is great news as I felt it was going to be a yes or no update next week, that they were going to tell us yes we can work on a plan or no we can't make it happen, but I was mistaken, the have been working on the actual plan and they actually have something in place to propose to all of us, i'm so excited and feel that this is such a large step. Don't get me wrong i'm still worried, but as I told Chris today, i'll probably be worried until the day we get home with Kaysen, however, I feel confident that this will all work itself out one step at a time. To see all the amazing events that have happened since the bankruptcy please visit, http://unitedfamiliesofimagine.blogspot.com/

I will update as I know more. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, please keep them coming as so far they are doing a wonderful job.

Bankruptcy Video

SCARED

I'm sure i'm not the only one feeling scared right now and I don't necessarily feel like posting about it, but I do want my feelings of the journey in this blog so here it is.

I'm so scared for the next two weeks to come along. I'm hoping more than anything that things go our way and that our adoption continues, but everyday the ball of yuck in my stomach is getting bigger and bigger and I just want to throw up. I'm so scared that it won't be what we want and hope for. What happens then? I know, I know, i'm suppose to stay positive, but it's normal human motherly nature to think "What if", what will I do? How will I cope? Will that be it? Do we start over? Do we go another direction? I don't want to have to answer any of these questions, I just want my son, is that too much to ask?

The closer we get to an answer the farther I want to be. It's like I wish I had another few months to process the "What if?" but yet I want a few weeks to go by incase it is good news. My mind is so confused right now.

As mentioned in my last post, I've been really busy which is great but everyday it's a struggle to get up and work and stay busy, when what I really want to do is just lay in bed and hug my Kaysen bear (which I haven't slept without since).

I know I will get through the next few weeks and I know we will figure it out at that time as to what to do next but I just don't want to deal with it.....

Work, work, work

I know i'm not posting much lately but it's not because I don't want to, it's that I can't find the time. I've been going hard with the new job and love being as busy as I am. The best part of it all is how fast the time is going. Already two weeks have gone by and we only have another two weeks for the restructing plan to be completed. As of the meeting the Trustees/Inspectors for BDO Dunwoody had today they are still on track to present a plan to the courts/government by the end of the month. We been in this for 1 1/2 years whats another 2 weeks to find out what's next.

Hope is definitely keeping me going from day to day and I still can't even imagine what I'll do if things don't go as planned but that is not what we are living with right now. Chris is doing ok as well, he is such a strong man and without him this would have been unbearable. He is my rock and I thank God every day for him. We both want to be parents more than anything in the world and often wonder why this is all happening to us, why can't we be lucky and have the easy road of others but everybody has their own story as to how their family became whole, ours will just be a heck of lot longer to tell.

Anyways, thank you all so much for the support and encouragement. We really appreciate it all.

PS. I would like to congratulate Rana and Yvan on the referral of their son, Ade, you were so strong through your wait and to see you so happy is such a great thing to see. I can't wait to see what the little guy looks like.

Our Journey Continues...

After a few weeks of sitting around trying to figure out what our next move is, as well as how to deal with this awful situation, I have decided to come back and keep our journey going. There have been meetings in the last week that have given us all hope and within the next month we will know what is to happen. We have not given up on Kaysen at all and feel that our journey to him is still going. Until we hear differently this blog will keep documenting our everyday lives, good times and bad times. As mentioned before, this blog has always been written with Kaysen in mind, therefore although we are going through some rough roads in our journey they will be documented in a way that when Kaysen reads it later on in his life he will get to see how strong we all were, working together to get him home. Although at times I have felt like it was over, Chris has never doubted the end and that is why we are stronger today. Our son is waiting for us, it may be a little tougher to get to him but we will someday, somehow and we keep wondering "why" but I think once we finally get to bring him home we will all understand why and appreciate him all the more.

Thank you all for your support over the last few weeks.

Here's to the light that is still bright at the end of the road....!!!!!!

One last thing.

I must try all I can, and I ask you to please do all you can, please sign the petition below, and once you have signed it, please send it to your friends and family. I thank you all for your support and can't give up on continuing my journey to Kaysen.

Please note: after you sign it will take you to donation page, you simply skip the donation or x out, no money is needed.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SaveOurDreamofAdoptingInternatio/index.html


Our article of awareness in the Sudbury Star,

http://www.thesudburystar.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1658769

http://www.thesudburystar.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1658769

Letter to my son.

I really don't have much reason to write this post as everyone out there knows that our agency filed for bankrupcy and closed it's doors on Monday July 13th 2009, however this blog was created for my son and for him I am writing this post today. I am not sure where this journey will go, however I feel in my heart that my son is still waiting for me out there somewhere in Ethiopia. Why not start over you may ask? Because my son, Kaysen, is in Ethiopia, he is no where else other than my heart and I can only hope and pray that someday, some how he will be in my arms but if that doesn't happen I must face it and move on....somehow. I know I shouldn't give up and part of me is still fighting strong, but the other half needs to write this letter.

My dearest Kaysen,
I am so sorry that we were not able to meet, that your daddy and I were not able to bring you home and give you the life you deserve. Although I will never have a face to attach to the bond in my heart, please now that we love you so much. We are struggling to keep hope and keep faith but it's hard. Our hearts are broken and we are not sure how to let go. Part of us will never let you go and hopefully some miracle will happen and we will be together some day. I have been dreaming of you for the last year and half, you are what kept me going from day to day, dreaming of someday being a mom. I don't understand why this is happening to us and more importantly to you. We have always believed you were meant to be ours and Iwant you to know that in our hearts you will always be ours. No other child will replace you as you were meant for us. I can only hope that you do get a nice home and family to love you as much as we do and that you will grow to be someone special. My dreams of becoming a mother have been left in Ethiopia with you, and if you are out there, and are meant to come home to us, please be strong and know that we are doing everything we can to get you. You are a very large part of my life and although some may not understand as they feel I have not seen you yet, you are my son, and I will always tell people the story of my son. I am trying to stay strong and I can assure you that part of me will never let you go. I dont want to give up, but I just want the pain to go away, i have pain in my heart since this journey began, longing to have you home and i'm just so tired of the pain. I promise you that I will keep praying and keep faith that we will be together someday but please, please know that we love you so much and will never be whole without you in our lives.

Love your mommy and daddy. xoxoxox


PLEASE NOTE: I will not be posting anything for awhile as this journey was for Kaysen, should the circumstances change and our journey get back on track so will this blog. I thank you all for your support and do hope with all my heart to be posting again soon. My thoughts and prayers are with all the families out there that are affected. May you find your way to your children as I hope to somehow find my way as well.

Please pray for us

As many of you know, we found out yesterday that our adoption agency as gone bankrupt and the adoption process has stopped. I'm not in any situation to explain in detail at the moment so if you want details please follow the link below, but i'm writing to simply as that you all pray for Chris and I, as that is all I can hope for right now.
Thank you

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/adoption-agencys-bankruptcy-devastates-families/article1217223/

Dallas trip so far.

I arrived yesterday and got to meet the crew, they are all super nice and welcoming. Almost like a family feel, it's great. Althought i've had a few to many mojitos

but I have met some amazing people. I think this position is great for me and it will only get better.

Have a great week everyone.

Off to Dallas

Tomorrow I will be heading towards to Toronto and flying out to Dallas TX on Tuesday morning, I will be in Dallas for the week for a Summer Sales Meeting with my new company and then a Sales Academy for a few days. I'll be returning on the 14th and then off again on the 18th to Florida. I hope to get to see some of the city while i'm there as I hear I'll be pretty busy most of the time with meetings. I'll take pics of what I can and will post when I can. I hope you all have a great 2 1/2 weeks. I hope to hear of more referrals and Visas/travel while i'm away.

Dallas Skyline

Adoptive Mothers

I was cleaning my office today and came across this great piece , so I thought I would share with you all.

Adoptive Mothers

Being an adoptiove mother is not for every woman. She must possess not only the natural mother instrinct but an understanding and appreciation of the situation that brought a child into her amrs making her a mother. The adoptive family comes to be by choices made, choices made by the first parents and by the adoptive parents. The bond the adoptive mother has with her child grows over time, just like the child grew within his first mother's womb.

Day by day, touch by touch, with each tear, kiss and memory made they become a family. Adoptive mothers have that special knack to let love grow.

Adoptive mothers know that they are a mender of wounds, not just of the physical skinned knees with a band-aid and a kiss, but of the heart as well. They give love, acceptance, and permission to ask and talk to their child about the day they were born and of their first family.

Adoptive motehrs are embracers, not only of the child with many hugs and kisses, but of the child's heritage and history. They embrace the facts of their child's past with strength for themselves and their child. They are not only memory makers planning family vacations, activities and birthday parties, but are also memory keepers.

They are a tier of shoelaces and hearts. They weave lives together into a tapestry of a new family, with many different brightly colored threards showcasing their individualities and family orgins. Together they create one unit attached to each other.

Adoptive mothers are experts at finding lost objects, but understand and validate the profound deep loss left by adoption. They allow the tears to fall and grief to be felt, allowing the mounrning of the family that is no longer there. They are secure in knowing that they are not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer.

This role is not for the weak spirit, or the easily wounded. Loving a child not born to her but calling him her own, as this is what she does, it is her calling....She is a MOTHER.

Michael Jackson----RIP

(August 29 1958 - June 25th 2009)

On June 25th 2009 a music icon passed away. Although Michael has made some bad choices in his life and has been accused of horrible horrible acts, he must also be remember for the music Icon he was. There has never been another Michael Jackson and there never will be. His infulence on music, generation after generation is something only someone with a true gift can provide. Unfortunately with the gain of fame came a loss of oneself. I feel for his children and hope they will be treated as individuals in the years to come. No doubt that he became strange as the years went on, but the music and gift was and will always be there.

RIP Michael, you will always be remembered.