Back to BC

I just got back from dropping Chris off at the airport as we must return to real life now and must go back to BC. It was hard seeing him go but I think i'll be okay. This time I only have one month to be alone as my parents come back from Arizona in a month. I have also decided to not spend the next months sitting on my butt and gaining weight like I did last time. I've decided to get off my butt, visit people, and just live. The last few months were very hard as I went to work, walked the dogs and that was about it, I don't want to do that again. Why make things harder than they need to be right?
So here's to another few months of waiting, hopefully good things happen with the house and we get a finishing date to this seperation but I will take it one day at a time, and will find things to do with myself in the mean time. I do have a great book to read after all....

There is no me without you

The day after Chris got home we went to our mail box and to my surprise my wonderful husband had sent me a gift. I mentioned to him the week before that I wanted to finally read the book " There is no me without you" and there it was for my enjoyment.

I have heard many good things about this book and look forward to having my own review. It's a large book so it will probably take me awhile as I tend to only read before bed, but I look forward to enjoying it.

Thank you for being so thoughtful babe, this will help with the next few months away from you.

Olympics go out with a BANG

Yesterday was the end of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver BC. Canada did amazing. We won 14 gold medals and 26 total medals. This was a record for the most gold from one country in a winter olympic ever, what a great accomplishment, and on our homeland.

It was a wonderful 2 weeks of entertainment and there quite a few moments to feel proud of being Canadian.

My niece Samantha had the opportunity to attend one of the hockey games and Jessyka, Dankia and Renee got to experience some of the activities in Vancouver. A once in a lifetime opportunity. Good for them.

WAY TO GO CANADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15 months

Month 15 is here, a place I never thought I would be. The last month has been a tough month, but not on the adoption front. Since the amazing referrals in the last few months, my adoption attitude is doing pretty good. I figure we are lucky to still be on this journey an we are even luckier that things are moving along quickly. It's been a tough month because my husband was not with me for another month. All month I have been counting down the days to his arrival and it was a hard count down. As mentioned in previous post I ache for him when he is not here.

Yesterday I got to pick him up at the airport, it was amazing. The anticipation waiting for him to walk through the doors was crazy, i couldn't hold back my tears. As I was waiting for him I thought to myself, "if you can't handle this how the heck will you handle flying across country and waiting to see and hold your son? ", something I wonder all the time.

Anyways, Chris is home now, although for a short time and I'm loving every minute of it. I wake up smiling and smile all day long. He is the best and having him here makes me a better person.

On to 16.... please let there be more referrals this month.

Happy/Sad Finally posted.

I borrowed this post from someone a long time ago and forgot to actually post. It was so well said and everything we all feel.
Enjoy.

I have been emotionally fighting between HAPPY and SAD lately.....
Happy to be an Aunt....... Sad not to be a mom
Happy to see my nieces grow from day one....... Sad to miss the early lives of our children (to be)
Happy to be adopting...... Sad not to feel them grow in me
Happy not to be going through a delivery......... Sad not to be breast feeding them
Happy to be going to Africa...... Sad not to be planning the trip yet
Happy for others referrals of Beautiful children...... Sad to not know when it will happen for us
Happy that life has taken me on this journey and met amazing people..... Sad that it is so hard and so longgggggg
Happy to spend time with my family..... Sad that I don't have my own yet (well hubby and dog)
Happy to be alive, healthy and breathing........ Sad to be getting older and more tired
Happy that I have the most AMAZING husband...... Sad not to see him be a DAD yet
Happy to TRUELY want children and not take it for granted.... Sad not to really live it
Happy to have the means to get what is needed for our family...... Sad I can't get things ready yet
One minute I am thankful and happy and the next I am sad and frustrated. I figure maybe a year from now it will HOPEFULLY be a reality.
I don't want to wait to live but it is hard not to dwell on the WHEN. It is an effort to live in the moment right now. But I do not want to look back and think.... man.... I should have lived EVERY minute.... life is too short.

WHY?

Why do I get excited when there is a showing on my house, just to get disappointed?
Why do I have to live apart from my husband, and hurt every day?
Why do I have to wait to move?
Why did our agency go bankrupt?
Why is my son not home?
Why can't I have children?
Why do I have to wait to be a mother?
Why do things always seem so hard to achieve?
Why is it so hard to always stay positive?

WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR EVERYTHING, when things come so easy for others?

WHY? WHY? WHY? Can't I get answers to my questions?

Valentine's Day Surprise

This morning I woke up as usual, let the dogs out, made some coffee and checked emails, blogs, news etc... I took the dogs for a nice Valentine's day walk and settled in to have a quick english muffin for lunch...I know exciting so far right?

As i'm enjoying my lunch my wonderful guard dogs start freaking out, I look outside and to my surprise I see "Magic Flowers" delivery van in my driveway, see below for the reenactment of my surprise. "OMG, I'm getting flowers!!!!!!!! Yayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!'

This is the reenactment of the surprises "WOW"

These are my beautiful flowers, all the way from BC. My sweet husband never lets me down. He is so thoughtful and always knows how to make a women feel loved.

Full of my favorite flowers, gerber daisies and roses. And best of all full of "Love"


Thank you my love for making my day special, we may not be together physically but we are definitely together in spirit and in our hearts. I love you and can't wait to see you. xoxox

The song "We are the Children" that was originally done for the Children of Africa was redone this year for the people of Haiti. This is a very touching video. The media coverage seems to have faded but the people of Haiti are still trying to put the pieces back together. Please don't forget them and give what you can. (don't forget to go to the bottom of this blog and turn off the music player)

We Are The World 25 For Haiti @ Yahoo! Video

Winter Olympics have arrived

Vancouver is hosting the Winter Olympics this year and they started today. I just finished watching part of the opening ceremony with Chris via Skype. It's nice to have this service as it allows us to feel like we are truly watching it together.

The games will last 17 days and we are all hoping for a Gold medal win from Canada will on their home land.

GO CANADA GO. !!!!!!!!!

Need

I just arrived back home from my business trip to Orlando today. It was great seeing my boys again, they were so happy to see me and I them, they have yet to give me space. However, coming home to "no" Chris was and is really hard. Knowing I won't be seeing him for another 3 weeks and then that I have to let him go again as this (insert swear here) house isn't going anywhere fast.

People always so "Distance makes the heart grown founder" but no one told me "Distance makes the heart hurt", I need him so much, the need hurts from the inside out. Not knowing when we will be able to get things back to normal is something I just can't get passed. I'm sure if I knew when we would be moving it would help but not knowing is horrible. You would think I would be used to dealing with the "not knowing" with the adoption and all but I'm not and it sucks.

I have always known Chris was my soul mate, my other half of the mold, but I have never been away from him long enough to hurt from his not being around. I miss his arms around, his kisses, his smiles, his jokes, and mostly his presence.

Today is especially hard as I haven't sleeped properly in a week, I was falling asleep all the way home, which was really scary, and i'm intensly emotional. The one good thing is that I'm not dwelling on the adoption. I figure things are going great and they will happen when they happen.

The dogs and I are lonely, we miss him greatly and can't wait to get our lives back to normal.

"You are my lover, my best friend, and part of my soul, I love you more and more each day and can't wait until you hold me again"

Sharing

I read this post on A's blog and wanted to share with you all as she said exactly what I was thinking.

Firsts
Proof that Imagine is truly back.
That it is better than ever.
That it is stronger and more progressive.
That it is transparent and more supportive.

Proof that all us parents are more strongly united.
That we support each other more than ever.
That we know each other more than ever.
That we are more encouraging and excited than ever.

December 16 the first several referrals were realized.Sometime last night while we were all sleeping, a birth mother in Addis Ababa relinquished her parental rights and a judge ruled in favour of this little girl's new parents in Canada.

Our first Imagine family passed court.
They passed on the first try.
They are parents to one beautiful little girl.

Proof that Imagine has risen.
Proof that family is being created.
Proof that we can do this

14 Months

We hit 14 mths today. 14 months wow, I never thought I would be a 14 months and wondering how much longer I will have to wait. However, I also never thought I would be at 14 months and feeling good about things. We are at a great place on the list, we are at a great place emotionally and I think we will be okay to wait some more. I'm just grateful that the wait is still on and we are one month closer. That's all that really matters.

On to 15....

Thoughts are with Ethiopia

My thoughts are with the Ethiopian people today as there was a horrible plane crash yesterday with over 80 people on board. Here is the article

http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20100125/Ethiopian_air_100125/20100125/?hub=CalgaryHome

Please take a moment of thought for the families effected by this sad situation.

Dreaming

All evening I have been imagining the moment I will finally get to hold my son. Cuddle him, kiss his little head as he sleeps, and just sit and stare. It's a yearning feeling I have inside , I usually don't sit and dwell on it to much but tonight it was stronger than I was. The empty feeling inside is needing to be filled. I know I have months, if not years to wait but I often ask myself, when will it go away, why can't I make it go away, and finally will it ever go away?

I picture you in our home, sharing, laughing, smiling, creating new memories. I long for the day I don't have to picture it anymore.

Obsessive??

Ok, so I may be being obsessive about this but I have done the calculations of what is ahead of me on the list, there are 37 numbers missing ahead of me, and there are 17 with similar request than me, so what does that mean.....the max number we can be is 54 boys to be referred. I'm sure there are girl requests in the 37 missing, but if I say they are all boys, that means 54 boys from now will be us.....I know obsessive, but what else do I have to do.

Counting down....

less than 24 hrs and we are down to 79 and counting.....yahooo

82

We got our number on the list today and we are lucky number 82. What this means you may ask? Well it means there are 82 families who have requested a single child before us on the list, this is boys and girls. So if we remove all the girls we will be less than 82.
It was kind of weird getting this number, it has made Kaysen more real and made us say "Wow, this is actually going to happen" if all goes well we could actually know what he looks like by the end of this year, how amazing is that. It's also kind of scary, scary that we will actually someday be parents and intrusted to take care of a little one. Wow. I mean, we are more than ready it's just kind of crazy that this is really happening to us. What a great feeling to know we are on track again after such a hard year.
Another great thing is that I was under the impression we requested a boy under the age of 9mths, but I was wrong we requested a boy under the age of 6 mths. 6months, means we will be referred a little baby, I was expected a child closer to 1 year and we might actually get a baby, how amazing is that. I guess i'll have to do some more shopping....lol Just kidding, I made promises to wait until we see him to start shopping again.
Referral are going to be so much more exciting now, not that I wasn't excited everytime referrals happened but every referral is officially one step closer to our little one. Bring on the referrals.
Anyways, it's still hitting me that this is for real, but I want to take this moment to thank everyone for the continued encouragement and thank you to the New Imagine for doing such a wonderful job. I have new trust in the new agency and think all the people involved are such special people.

82 YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY LET THE COUNTDOWN BEGIN.

Haiti Earthquake

The poor country of Haiti was hit by a large 7.0 earthquake last night at approx. 4:50pm, causing a devistation like no other. The country hasn't had an earthquake of this magnitude in 200 yrs. This country doesn't have the resources to deal with this type of catastrophy and many, many people will be affected. I pray that they get the help they need to recover, and rebuild. The world we live in is a confusing, angry world, however there are good people out there and when a tragedy hits they come together to help. I do hope they surface here and help the poor people of Haiti. They are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope they will be in all of yours as well.

Our family life

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Letting it go

We had purchased a home in Savona BC, conditional on the sale of our home and a few inspections. It was a cute 1300 sq ft home in a small town of 650 people and would have been perfect for us. However we received the septic tank inspection report and it looks like there are a few issues. Can they be fixed? Absolutely, however knowing there are small issues has got me concerned that there may be more and that it may sooner than later cost a heck of alot more to get the whole thing replaced. After much discussion and thinking we have decided to let it go. Our big concern is that there isn't much in Kamloops that makes sense for a good price but we have time it's not like our house is going any where fast.
It was nice that we had found a place and would have been able to scratch one thing off the list but now Chris will be looking again on his days off and hopefully find us something soon.
They do say to follow your gut, right?? Because my gut was saying "HOLD ON A SEC" so I hope I heard it correctly.