Canada Day

Yesterday was a great day. We started off the day going out to Kamloops to spend some time at Riverside park with my sister and her family and ended it with fireworks in Logan Lake. Our little town is the best, I mean we have approx. 2000 people living here and we have our own fireworks, and being lucky as we are our is situated at the top of a hill which gives us a great view from the comfort of our own backyard. Here are some picks of our day,

My Niece Jessyka, and Evan

Enjoying time with family and friends

This was our set up in the backyard, it was raining and cold but it was great. (Excuse the psycho eyes of my dogs)

The show was great and lasted approx. 25 min.

The best way to sum up how things are feeling on the inside in the last few days are "Peace and Happiness" It's been a long time since i've been at peace on the inside and yesterday I felt so happy I wanted to shout it out from the roof tops. I feel in my heart and soul that the year ahead for us is going to be a great year, full of adventure and joy and I can't wait to share it with all of you.

Hope you had a wonderful Canada Day as well.

Insanity of an adoptive mother

As you know from reading this blog we have been on this adoption journey for over 2.5 yrs and have been trying to have a child for over 6 yrs. That is a long, long time to wait for a child. With this wait came a few moments of insanity...to say the least. Seeing as we requested a boy in Ethiopia, I turned to retail therapy right away thinking I may want to get ready as I only have approx. 1 year. Well, I was wrong about the wait time which meant I needed more therapy which in turn meant more shopping. Once the bankruptcy happened I stopped retail therapy and packed everything away, out of sight, out of mind. Well today I was feeling pretty good about things so I decided to venture into the unpacked toy room and decided to also see what cute clothes I had....this is what I found...

which is

35 pairs of socks

49 Onesis

40 t-shirts

29 long sleeve shirts

9 Button up shirts

2 pairs of shorts

3 Vests

8 matching pant/shirt outfits

2 coverall style jeans

8 regular pairs of jeans

1 winter suit

13 hats

33 Bibs

8 Spring jackets

7 Hoodies

5 Sweatshirts

4 pairs of cords

30 Pajamas

6 casual comfy pants

5 Khaki pants

4 regular pants

and that is not including the a bin full of cups, bottles, bowls, spoons, soothers and everything else you can imagine. 95% still have the tags on them and then I have 2 bins of used boy clothes....INSANE, even more insane that I did an inventory of it, don't you think. All the clothes is from 9-24months and nothing for a new born.

After this crazy insane inventory moment I had major reflection moment and a good talk with Chris about our new adoption journey, and we have decided after all we have been through we both still want our son. His name won't be Kaysen but he will be a boy. It may take us longer to be matched with a birth mother as alot of the mothers don't know the sexe of the baby but at this point what's an extra few months wait to get our son. Don't get me wrong, it's not that we wouldn't take a girl if a girl was handed to us but at this stage we still have a choice and it would be a large, large hassle to get rid of the above mentioned list, the bedding set, the books, the EVERYTHING boy. One less hassle is worth the extra wait. and who knows it might not be an extra wait it all depends on the birth mothers that are shown our profile.

The best news is that I have 0-9mths of boy clothes to buy now....I KNOW INSANITY, i've gone over the edge fully but i'm not making excuses for it i'm just allowing myself to do it because I CAN.

A little more color...

When we moved into the house it was a complete blank canvas. White everywhere....i know some people would love to have an all white home but I need color. Not only for comfort as color makes it feel like home but also for cleaniness. Having 3 dogs running in and out all the time get's thing dirty fast. I told myself that I would give it 6 months to make sure I'm getting the colors I want and really get a feel for the home before I paint....well that lasted 1 and 1/2 months and out I went to get some paint. Here are some before and after, let me know what you think.

Before

After

What do you think? Honesty would be appreciated.

Hi

I would first like to start by saying THANK YOU everyone for your continued support. Chris and I feel very lucky to have so many people rooting for us no matter where our journey to a family leads us. We are still in the process of getting the right paperwork together for the new adoption and have yet to fully let go of Ethiopia but we are one step closer and your support has only encouraged us to keep our heads up and keep going.

I also wanted to update on life here in BC. To put in a few words....it's more than I ever expected!!! I thought for sure it would take me some time to adjust to a new life and new province but other than the regular annoying things, like address change, licence change, insurance inspections and other provincial requirements we are loving it. We feel so relaxed here. We are getting more active with hikes and bike riding. We even started fishing. We have a cute little lake that you can fish off the dock and catch trout. We have yet to catch fish but we are enjoying the sun and relaxation that comes with fishing. All we need now is a boat and we can explore the rest of the area.

Wild life is something we see on a daily basis. Mostly deer, however we have seen moose, red-tail hawks, bald eagles, bears, and even wild horses... how cool is that. We try to go explore a new area at least once when Chris is off but we still have so much to explore just here in our backyard. We are a full 30min drive from Kamloops but the more we drive it the closer it seems. I've learnt to bring a cooler with me to do groceries as it's much hotter in Kamloops and it's a 30min drive so things...like ice cream...become milkshakes by the time we get home. Learned that the hard way...lol

Chris is really enjoying his job and i'm in the process of finding work. I've had a few interviews so far and should be back to the "real" world soon enough. I would love to stay home forever but bills need to be paid and that won't get done if i'm sitting on my butt at home.

Jake, Maddux and Ziggy have helped to make this home. They love the walks around the lake and although Maddux has to take it extra easy with his fragile knee, yep the other one is going now :( , he has come home many a times sticky from pond and lake swimming that help to cool them off.

Being near my sister and her family has been great. Although we don't get to see each other often it's great to know they are close and I can see them whenever I want. The only thing that would make everything perfect would be to have the rest of the family move to BC, but since that is not an option we will enjoy showing them all our wonderful discoveries when they come visit.

That's about it for now but this week should bring a few more answers on the job and adoption front. I'll keep you posted as news comes in.

Thanks again to you all. OH... and here are few pics to keep you entertained.

Personalize a photo album

Change is good....

With the big news in the post below, we have been trying to cut back on everything in an attempt to save as much money as we possibly can....including no more expensive hair coloring/cuts...I've been blond for a very long time but with having to buy a box at the store I figured this may be easier to handle....have a look...what do you think?

My new moto.....Change is Good!

Try it...!

Change is good.....Adoption news

Hello fellow blog readers. Now that our families are aware I would like to let you all know the news we have. Here is the email we sent to friends and family with the news. Before you read this, we want to thank you all in advance for understanding our decision and for your continued support.

"Hello Everyone,

We first would like to say sorry we didn't call you all to give you this news, but there are too many of you and this email should explain everything. Please do not hesistate to call us ********* or email us if you have any questions.

As you all know, last summer our agency in Ontario went bankrupt and our adoption dream was shattered. It felt to us like we had lost a child. Although we didn't know what he looked like, Kaysen was a large part of our daily lives and hearts. Giving up on him was not an issue. So we stayed with our agency, paid more money, and stayed with the newly restructured agency. In Dec, the agency started referrals again and just this month the first families will be brining some children home. In January we recieved our "number" on the list (82) what this number meant was that there were 82 families ahead of us before we could finally see our little baby. It was exciting but, after going through such pain, always kept a protective wall up. Referrals were going great and our number was going down....then referrals stopped/slowed down and new disappointments came on a monthly/weekly basis.....new government regulations, new paper work needed and the dreaded two visits. All of which would make our wall bigger and bigger but we kept strong and going. These slow downs only extended our wait and we were starting to look at approx. 2 more years if not more. In case you didn't hear, we were now required to go to Ethiopia twice. The first time to pass court where we would fly across the world, see our future son for a minute (no bonding allowed at all) and then fly back and wait up to 6+ months before going back to pick him up....complete torture. Not to mention the extra $$$ needed for the extra travel. But again, we swallowed the news and kept going. Which brings us to today.

Moving to BC, has not only been an amazing experience but a reflection period. We found out that it would end up costing us even more as we need all our home study done again, and all our paper work has expired (2yrs) so in other words we were starting over, except for the wait. Financially we are done...we have no more money to give to a program that is on thin ice and can collapes any day. Giving up on being parents was not an option but switching programs was. Living in BC allows us a few more options than living in ON. Weird as it's the same country but new province, new rules.

OK....here is the reason for the email.....We have made the decision to switch programs. This is our last shot....we are still trying to figure out how we will make this one work but we have to do what we can to be parents.....if this doesn't work we will have to be done....but it WILL work we have to believe.

The program we are switching to is in the US. We will be adopting from Florida. The program isn't available in ON but is here. The financial commit will be no more than if we had stayed with the Ethiopian program but is still outrageous. I know you are asking, what about the money in the other program....unfortunately for us ALL the money we have spent on the other program is gone. The good thing with this new program is that we don't have to give money until we know what the money is for. We won't disclose how much we have spent so far but it was alot and we have no idea to this day where all that money has gone. The new program will provide us with a list of what we are paying for and why...which will be a large difference.

The Ethiopian program was a program that was based on a waiting list, depending on when you sent your dossier to Ethiopia is where you were on the list. The Floriday program is a "family chooses" program. Where we submit our profile and wait for a family to choose us to raise their child. The baby will be a newborn baby (within a week or two old), he/she may be a male or female and the baby will still be African-American or Biracial. Most families have been placed with their child within a year, so our fingers are crossed that we get chosen fast.

This has been a really hard decision as we have to let go of "the idea" of Kaysen. We have decided we will start a fresh start and let go of the name and the program. We do have the option of keeping both programs going but for Financial reasons we are not able to. It may be hard for some of you to understand but we have had to grieve Kaysen and move on. The last few years will always be a part of our lives and we have to believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe the baby for us is just not in Ethiopia but from the US.

We thank you all for your continued support and ask that you pray that this final try for us will be a success.

Again, if you have any questions, do let us know.

Love Nat and Chris "


As mentioned in the letter, Kaysen will always be a part of our lives and this part of our journey to parenthood will never be forgotten, the grieving is still a prominent part of our lives and letting go is a scary thing. I will continue to support you all in your journey to Ethiopia but please understand that I will no longer be checking in on the board for updates as it's easier to just let it go completely.

I sent out the paperwork to the new agency here today and as of yet we have not let go of our Ethiopian Adoption. We want to make sure all goes well at this end and once we are officially waiting in the US program we will let the other one go.

I'll keep you posted as there are new adventures to come our way. I ask you all as well to please pray that we made the right decision and that our journey to becoming a family will finally come true.

Xoxoxo

18 months

COME AND GONE....

Why?

That seems to be the only title I can think of lately. I just don't understand, WHY? What is the reason we have to go through all this? Why can't decisions be made for us or someone lead us in the right direction. I know I haven't written in a while and it's because it's easier that way. Of course I want to tell you all how life in BC has been and I will but it's just easier to not read, write, comment, speak about, read about or do anything else that has to do with the adoption. I'M DONE!!!!! I know many of you reading this will understand what I mean but to those who don't, what i'm saying is that i'm done with the hurting, I DON'T WANT TO HURT NO MORE!!!!
All I want is for us to be parents, to help guide a child into life and enrich their life with love and laughter as they would do for us. I can't believe I have put Chris and I through all this. we thought adoption was the best way for us, we thought, why spend money trying to create a child when there are so many out there that need a home. But lately I keep second guessing myself. I just don't know what to do. I can deal with the wait but what I can't deal with is the emotions and the financials. You will notice that I have tried to avoid anything too negative in my blog as I am writing this for my future son, and I would never want him to think I didn't want him, which is why i haven't mentioned the cost too much, but i'm done, i'm done trying to make believe everything is AOK. It's not, we have to come up with alot more money to get a home study redone and all our documents redone, because we moved to BC and because our paperwork will expire soon. It's just like starting over, except that we have a place in line. We then have to come up with travel money twice, vaccine money, post placement money and we still won't have a child for a long time. The well is dry and I don't know what to do. When we started this adoption I was in Real Estate and although we didn't make millions, I would get nice cheques to cover all these extras, but now I don't have those anymore and I really don't know what to do.

I know I can go back to Real Estate but the amount of debt Real Estate has placed on us over the years is not worth it. I keep telling myself we will figure it out, but what are we suppose to do. I know we could go to the bank to get a loan, but that well is going dry as well. there is just so much they are willing to give us. I keep telling myself that there has to be a cut off point, where we just can't go anymore, but the dream and hopes inside of us will not let us do it. I no longer feel like the end result will be us holding our son, I now feel that we will have to drop out because we won't have the money to keep going. We still have over a year (or more) to go and things have been changing all the time, and it's always more money, more wait. I hope and pray everyday that money will come, that we will be able to move ahead, that we will hold our son.....but I just don't know how.

So again, I ask
WHY did this happen
WHY are we still crying about this years after it should have been done
WHY can't someone else tell us what we need to do
and most of all
WHY CAN'T WE BE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!

49

We received our May update today and it looks like our new number is 49. We are under the 50 mark, what a great feeling. I know there has been alot of speculation as to the "LIST" and if it's a good or bad thing to know our number on the "LIST", but I think it's great. Everytime our number goes down everyone gets excited. It makes it real and the fact that we actually know it's going down is making it more real every day.

Although i'm excited about the numbers going down the update also mentioned the rules of our first court date visit to Ethiopia. It looks like our visit will be very casual with no one on one time with the child as they don't want us to start bonding with the him. If we pass court during our visit we will get to meet him again and be allowed to provide him with a gift and photos but it won't be a long visit, again because they don't want us bonding just yet. I'm still struggling on a daily basis with this first visit, I mean, how the heck am I going to get through it with some sanity left over? But I know I will somehow find the strenght and soon after we will get to hold him and never let him go.

They also mentioned in the update the rules if we want to stay in Ethiopia with our son between court and visa, which can be anywhere between 4-6 mths we can but we would have to be completely on our own with no help from our agency as we would have to waive all their responsibilities, which will mean that if something happens back home we would not be able to leave or is something happens there we would be in a foreign country alone. I think that would a very hard thing to do, and not knowing how long it will be would tough as well. That be said, trust me, if I could afford to live there for 6 months and not work I would, but there is no way it can be done.

There are many things in this journey that will bring us down, twist us around, make us think we can't take anymore and often make us feel like we want to give up. But everyday is a new day, a one day closer to being a family. We all have to remember why we took this journey, what the end result will be, what we've been through and most of all how lucky we are to still be counting the days. Cheers to 49 and counting....:)

Missed it again.... 17 months

We have reached 17months waiting for a referral. With all the excitment and changes in our lives it's come and gone and we didn't even realize. The good thing it that we are able to forget about it...never thought that would happen. Don't get me wrong, Kaysen is always on our minds but the wait is not. On to 18!

Road trip to BC

I've been in my new home since Saturday evening and I LOVE IT. The scenery around my place is undescribable. (Pictures to follow)

On April 22nd 2010, my mom, dad and I brought Jake and Ziggy to the airport in Sudbury for their flight to Vancouver. Once they were all secured in the kennels, Maddux and I said our goodbyes to Mom and Dad and off we went to pick up my friend M. We were on the road by 10am and drove to Thunder Bay, arriving at 10:30pm. We got stopped just outside of Sudbury by some protesters. It was a bunch of native teenagers protesting the fact that they have to pay the new HST tax. I will refrain from saying anything else about that incident, except that it backed us up by one hour. Once in Thunder Bay, we got a room at the Landmark Hotel, quite shady, but it did the trick and got a few hours sleep.

We left day two at 7am, heading towards Winnipeg, MB. Just out of Thunder Bay I got pulled over for going 112km/h in a 90km/h and of course the police officer was kind enough to give me the full fine. Gotta love it. It did prevent me from going 10km over for the remainder of the trip, which is a miracle for me. We made it to Regina, SK on day 2 after a 14hr car ride. The prairies were nice and flat with a great speed limit of 110km/h, something we are not used to in Ontario. It was weird, I was staying at 110km most of the way because in my mind that was speeding...lol

Anyways, once in Regina we stayed at the Super 8, grabbed some food and went to sleep. We were on the road again by 7am and off we went, not knowing when we would stop that day.....well 17 hrs later I was home. Once in Calgary, AB we had a great little snow storm slow us down, but once we hit the mountains the weather cleared up and WOW was all that was said in the car for the next few hours. The view is unbelievable. Something everyone in the world should see at least once in their lives. So beautiful. The picture above is of one of the stops we made in the mountains to let Maddux stretch. Once in Kamloops, I dropped M off with a friend of hers and I kept going to Logan Lake, BC., our new home. I was a zombie by the time I got home. I hadn't seen my husband in 2 months but I just couldn't find the energy to get excited. Maddux was done as well...he was such a trooper during the road trip, never complained once just sat in the back seat and enjoyed the view. If it was Jake he would have drove me nuts with his crying, but not Maddux, he was a great road trip buddy.

The next morning we got up and I got to look out my window in the day time for the first time and OMG.... there are gorgeous views all around the house. We are situated on top of a hill in Logan Lake and everywhere you look it takes your breath away. From my picture window I get to see the snow capped rockies, and from our back deck I get to see more mountains...just amazing.

Chris then took me for a ride to Kamloops, which was also dark when I came through the night before and I couldn't believe it....I still can't believe how beautiful it is. If anyone reading this ever wants to experience such beauty just let me know as pictures cannot do it justice.

We have been exploring our little town since I got here, with daily walks and boy are my legs sore but I love it. It's quite a drive from Kamloops, 30 minutes but that is something that will get better with time. The peacefulness and beauty is definitely worth the drive.

Everywhere I look I picture our life with Kaysen and it's something I can't wait to share.

When we lived in Sudbury we really didn't have anything to show guest when they came but it's a whole different story here, there is so much to see that it will take more than one visit.

I am loving it here and don't regret the move at all. The cross country drive was something I'm happy I experienced, but not something I ever need to do again. I think every Canadian should do it as it's amazing to see the difference from one Province to the next. I'm now going to have to plan a trip to do the East side of the country, but first I have lots to explore around here.

Yay to our new adventure, and Yay to being together as a family again.

6 yrs ago today....

I married my best friend. I never knew our love could get better and grow stronger every year but it does. I can't even imagine what it will be like for years to come. We have been through quite a few adventures in our years together and what a great way to start year 7, in a new town and new province.

Cheers to many more years together as a family. xoxox

Happy Birthday Dad

I wanted to wish my father a wonderful birthday today. On this day I would also like to thank you for being my dad. The lessons in life I learnt from you have been something I cherish on a daily basis. Your love and support is always reassuring. Your strenght has lifted me up many times in my life, I thank god everyday that you are my father. I hope you enjoy this year more than the last year and that everyday brings you new adventures.
I love you very much. xoxox

You will be missed, Charlie

It's a sad day for the Fournier/Beaudry household today. Our sweet dog Charlie has passed away. Charlie has been a member of our family for the last 12 1/2 years. He was a sweet dog that brought us smiles on a daily basis. His crooked smile will never be forgotten. Thank you being such a sweet dog Charles, you will truly missed by us all. I hope your new journey will be full of fields for you to run in, full of friends to play with and full of piece and pain free. We love you.

Here are a few pics I have of Charlie.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Rededication....to my wonderful husband

EDIT***I had dedicated a Celine Dion song (song for you) to Chris, yesterday but this one says it much better....and he'll like it better as well.

This song is dedicated to my husband, it describes the way I feel about you. You are my strenght, my half, you are everything to me. I love you and thank God everyday for the gift of having you in my life.

I hope to sing this song while putting our precious son to bed someday.

I love you

Two Trips

We received the email yesterday that confirmed we must travel to Ethiopia twice. The Ethiopian courts have decided it's best for the children for us to meet them before we become legally theirs and then to leave them, only to come back a few months later to pick them up.

Seeing as I have a million things on my mind, like packing, driving cross country (Maddux is way to frightful to take the flight, Ziggy and Jake are still flying) and settling into my new life in BC that stressing about this now is not at the top of my list. I know it will be the hardest thing I will do, leaving him there, but if that's what it takes for us to be a family, I'll do what I have to do. It will be the biggest test of my inner strenght, something I will need alot of to become a mother.

16

With all the excitement of booking my tickets I completely forgot to write about our 16th month. It's come and passed and I wasn't dwelling on it. It's not a bad thing but it still isn't fun.

On to the next....

Booked

I officially booked our tickets today. Jake and Maddux fly out on April 22nd, Ziggy and I on the 26th. The airline only allows two animals per plane so Jake and Maddux will go first and I will bring Ziggy with me when I go. I'm sick to my stomach thinking of them all sitting in a dark plane cargo for hours but if not they would be stuck in my small Civic for a 4 day drive, which would be more like 6 with the dogs. I've been reassured by many that they will be okay but it makes me very nervous.

I can't wait to see Chris and move into our new home. It is so exciting to think we are begining a new life in a new town and new province. This is something I would have never seen coming.

It feels official now and it's a good feeling. This weekend I start packing , not sure where to begin but it should be a productive few days.

Cheque is in the mail

I sent in the final installment payment to Imagine this morning. It was strange as everytime i've sent them a cheque in the past I felt a surge of excitment and hope. But today I just drop it off as if it was just any other piece of mail. No excitment, not thinging about it more than that, no extra hope, just nothing.
I'm guessing it's caused by knowing what "loss of hope" feels like and having to get through so many disappointments that i've become somewhat numb to certain things that would normally excite me. I find it sad to feel that way, this should have been an exciting day but with the latest increase in disappointment every few weeks it's hard to stay focused.
Needless to say, the cheque is in the mail, the final installment is paid and now we wait for some news. Here's hoping the next payment I send to them is the post referral payment and we are that much closer to our son.

EDIT*** I received a question from this post that I would like to clarify. My dear blogger friend asked what I meant by Post referral payment? What I meant by that is the money we have to pay to the agency for Post placement updates. This payment is to pay for all paperwork and work needed by Imagine to send in our post placement updates to the country. When we signed up we payed all our fees except for that one as it was only due after referral. I'm not too sure if this payment is no longer required but I would assume it is. Sorry for making anyone panick, I would go nuts too if I read I needed to come up with more money. That's all we've been doing lately...more money...no advance.

Saying Goodbye.

Baby Owen at 8mths old

My brother, Denis, his wife, Laura, and baby Owen just left from a weekend visit. It was nice to have them over and even better now that the house is sold and I didn't have to worry about it. We had a great time together but of course it wasn't long enough.

Denis walking the baby and dog, Kylie

Today as they were leaving it really hit me that I won't see them regularly anymore. I'll get to see them again before I leave but once i'm moved it will be only a few times a year if we are lucky. It's so strange to be so excited to start a new life in a new place but yet it's so hard to say goodbye to the part I wish I could take with me.

Matante Nat enjoying a visit with Owen and a few laughs.

Baby Owen is almost 10 months old now and he has grown up so much (as you can all see from the cute pictures) and he will grow up without me being close which I find so hard. We had so many plans to have Kaysen and Owen hang out, but with Kaysen's delay and my moving all plans have changed. One thing I promise is to still know my nephew and have Kaysen know my brother and his family. Whether through Skype, or visits they will know each other if we all make an effort.

How cute is that smile?!

I know moving is the best thing for our family, and being with Chris is the most important thing but it's still really hard to leave all that you know and most of all leaving your loved ones behind.


Thanks again for the wonderful visit Den, Laura and Baby Owen. I know it's not easy traveling with a little one and I appreciate the visit more than you will ever know.

I love you all very much and will miss you greatly. I sure can't wait for your visit to our new home. xoxoxo

Our cool boy, Baby O