Happy New Year 2010

Happy New Year to all. It's kind of weird that we celebrated a new year 3 hours before Chris and my sister's family did, this was definitely a first for us all.

What will 2010 bring us? I tend to wonder that a lot lately, but first I must reflect on 2009.

2009 was a rough year for us. I remember writing my new year's post last year full of hope that I would know what my son looked like by this time and even hope that we would be planning to pick him up soon, however things didn't work out that way.

We started the year on a rough note as the time lines kept getting extended, but we found the strenght to keep going and keep hoping as the months went by. I began a new job in March which kept me nice and busy not even having time to dwell on the long wait, which was a nice relief. My beautiful nephew was born June 2009 and I envisioned myself holding my son shortly. I was enjoying my new position, traveling and feeling good about our life and our journey when all went wrong in July with the news of the bankruptcy. Since that day, life has not been the same. Some things have changed for the better and others for the worst. The worst is obviously the fact that our son won't be home for awhile still, but the good things were that I learned to live for myself again and not just for Kaysen. I had become so involved in the adoption journey that I lost myself and my way of living, every thing I did was for Kaysen, I wouldn't try new things until he would get home, not a decision was made without thinking of how it would effect him. Well not that I don't think of him every day now, but I also think of myself and the life Chris and I have to live until he gets home. Our life is so important and placing it on hold any longer is just not right. We will celebrate Kaysen upon his arrival, but until then this is our year to enjoy ourselves and learn who we are again.

2010 will bring us new adventures in a new home in a new city with all new surroundings.
2010 will bring us happiness and love
2010 will allow us to discover new things
2010 will allow us to rediscover ourselves and what we want to do with our lives

2010 will be the year for us. It may not be the year we become parents, but it will be our year, our year to live life to the fullest, to enjoy our time together, to celebrate the blessings of someday becoming parents and most of all it will be our year to grow.

Cheers to 2010, may it bring us love and joy and may it also bring us one year closer to our son.

He's gone

My sweet husband left this morning to drive cross country to begin his new adventure/career in Kamloops BC. He will be driving for 4 days and hopefully all is well and he has nice weather all the way. His presence in the home is definitely missed already. It's hard has we don't know when we will see each other again. Please, please let the house sell fast so we can be together soon.

Good luck at your new job, i'm so proud of you and can't wait to join you in our new adventure.

Love you love you love you.

Merry Christmas and 13

Today is Christmas day. We traveled from home to my brothers house in Alliston, ON yesterday and will be spending the day here. Being with family at Christmas brings a natural joy to the room, however this year part of our family is missing. My sister's family is not with us for the first time in my life...33 yrs. It's not the same without them and I know that next year i'll be writing that it's not the same without my brother's family around. It's so hard to have such a close family be so far apart, however they are in our hearts and in our minds and in spirit they are with us. I wish them a wonderful day in there new home, celebrating Christmas and starting new traditions. Traditions I can't wait to join in on next year. We had no idea last year was going to be the last Christmas we would all be together for a long time, just goes to show how fast things change and how cherishing every moment with the ones you love is so very important.

Today also marks 13 months of us dossier being in Ethiopia. It's been a rough week leading up to today. Last year at this time I so full of hope that I would know what my son looked like this year but this year is especially hard as I don't know when our next milestone will be. I keep saying that i'm "Done" done with the pain. I'm tired of hurting for my son, i'm tired of waiting, i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of this whole process, however I seem to get up the next day and keep going and now we are at 13 a place I never thought we would be. Although I am feeling done with everything I know that I'll keep going and i'll keep getting the strenght needed to make it to 14,15, 16, 17....and so on.

When we found out about referrals a few weeks ago the HOPE returned but with the HOPE came the hurt. The hurt that eats at you every day, the hurt that makes you ill, the hurt that makes you want to stay in bed and not move until it leaves. I know this post should be a little more cheerful as it is Christmas but I can't lie to myself or anyone else that the hurt isn't there. It is and it's not fun. Christmas is suppose to be a time of happiness, joy and familly and this year it's different, we are missing some family, and again we don't have our little one to enjoy it with. I keep envisioning the day that it will be our turn but the more we wait the more it becomes a dream and not a possible reality. However, after all that sadness, I realize we are blessed to have all our family members alive and only a phone call away, I also realize we are blessed to have a new little one in my brothers family to celebrate his first Christmas and I realize that being with some family is also a blessing. Therefor, although I hurt on the inside, I will have a wonderful Christmas with my family and my husband, we must make the most of every situation in life and Christmas is one that is truly special.

I wish you all a wonderful Christmas holiday with your friends and family.

Happy Birthday to the man I love.

Every year my life with you gets better and better. You are truly my soul mate, my lover and my best friend. I thank you for your daily support and encouragement and for always believing in our adventures. This year has been a tough one for us but the strenght of our love allowed us to get through it and be stronger for it, I thank you for that as well.
We are about to embark into our biggest adventure yet and knowing that I will have you by my side makes me feel secure and comfortable. My life will be empty without you for the next few months but you are always in my heart and that love will keep us going.

May you have a wonderful day full of love and laughter. Love your wife and the boys. xoxoxoxo

BC Bound

Yep that's right. Chris and I are on a new adventure come the new year. He was lucky enough to get a great job at one of the new gold mines in Kamloops BC. My great brother in law helped him get this opportunity for which we will always be grateful....sorry Ren, he's the new favorite...lol

This is one of the things that has been going on that I haven't been able to share, how I kept it quiet I have no idea, but now that the employers have been informed I am able to share the news with you all.

He arrives home from Kamloops, on Mon Dec 21st and will leave on the 27th to drive up to his new home, my sister's place, for the next few months. He begins work on Jan 5th. I will be staying behind as I still have to sell our home and plan on giving my work months to help train and so on. As to what I will do for work out there, I have no idea where that roads is leading yet but I hope to have the opportunity to somehow stay with the company i'm with. Will it be possible? I have no idea but I can definitely cross my fingers.

This is a new adventure for us, and an great opportunity to be able to have a better life to provide our son once he gets home. It's hard as I'm leaving my brother and his family here in ON but we have to do what is best for our family and I plan on visiting a few times a year.

I have never been to BC before and look forward to getting familiar with a new part of Canada and starting a new adventure with my husband. My sister and her family live in Kamloops, so it will very nice to be near them.

We are both super excited but my to do list for the house is about a mile long which will be fun as my parents are leaving for Arizona on the 7th of Jan and Chris will be gone. Selling my house with 4 dogs will be a large task but I'm sure I'll get it done.

Anyways, i'm sure no one expected this post and I would love to chat to anyone who wants more info. Feel free to email me at jmzfournier@yahoo.ca

I look forward to meeting all my Western Canada Adoption families, and to those that live in the area, can you please send me recommendations for an adoption practionner near Kamloops as I will be in need of a Home Study update and provincial approval.

Believe and it WILL happen

We received an update today that all ministry and intercountry licences were issued and that referrals would start again. Which I assumed would start at the begining of the new year. WELL to my surprise REFERRALS STARTED TODAY, two families received the call. This is the most excited i've been in months. I just can't believe it, it's finally feeling right on the inside again. We are all on our way to getting our family.

Congrats to all.

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....wait can you tell i'm excited.
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Christmas Traditions

What would Christmas be without, Christmas traditions. Although it was just my mom and I today we made our yearly Christmas donuts which will be sending off to my sister in BC. It wasn't the same without other family members around, there was only a little bit of singing and laughing but at least we kept the tradition going. Funny thing is, my mom nor I eat the donuts, we just make them for others.
We decorated the tree last week and having combined all my "special ornaments" and my mom's "special ornaments" we really didn't need many more ornaments. Our tree is so beautiful this year filled with special memories from everyone. Only a few tears fell both days, pretty good I think.
It's hard not having my sister and her family around during the holiday season, however we will be with my brother and his family celebrating my nephew's first Christmas so it will be a special Christmas for us all.
I haven't been writing much lately as there are lots of things going on at this end....sorry can't say anything just yet...and no i'm not pregnant...but I am here and keeping up with everyone elses blog. I wish everyone who are waiting for court dates that they get them before Christmas. It would make things so much better for you all.
I don't have much to report on the adoption front. My whole way of thinking has changed since the bankruptcy, and although I think of Kaysen all the time I have made a decision to no longer place our life on hold waiting for him. It has been on hold for years now and it's been too much. We will live our lives as we should with the family we have and once our little blessing arrives our lives will be in a much better place.

Well i'm off to have a scary movie night with my dad. Good night to all.

Mom and Dad arrive tomorrow!!!!!

It's been two whole months since i've seen anyone from my immediate family. I think it's a first for me in 33 yrs and I can't wait to see some family tomorrow. My parents arrived safely from Arizona yesterday and are spending the day with my brother's family and tomorrow they come home. I can't wait, it will be so nice to have more people around. I don't know what I'll do when they are gone for over 4 months after Christmas, I just might have to go see them or my sister, good cause for a trip I think....!
I wish I could say the same for my sister's family but they are happy in BC and adjusting well which is all I could ask for. It will be such a tough Christmas without them here this year but they will all be here in spirit and in our hearts. Hopefully this is the last Christmas we are all apart.

I'm feeling so different this week than before, we got great news on the adoption, some of my family members are coming home and it's finally starting to look and feel like Christmas. My spirits are high, and i'm allowing myself to enjoy it. I just hope it last for the next month.

Have a great end of week to everyone.

It's a GO.

We received word today that 246 families have sent in their money and we are on to the next step. A large weight has been lifted, our son WILL be home someday and we WILL all get through this.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement and most of all for understanding what we have been going thought.
The waiting continues, but in this case it's a great thing.

One Year ago today

I was the happiest person in the world. I was floating around the house knowing that in less than a year I would finally know what my son looks like, I would finally be able to say i'm a mom and this is my son.....fast forward to today....no picture, not a mother.

This past year has been a year of emotional up and downs, I had rough months in the begining of the year but I got passed them knowing it would soon end. and then the bankruptcy happened and really shook things up, I went from the happiest moment to the lowest moment of my life. It's been a rough few months and the adoption is back on....well hopefully anyways. I know it sounds like i'm not excited about it, but my insides won't allow me to get excited. Although I know I must believe that it will all work out, my subconsciousness is not allowing me to accept it. Hopefully we will find out by next week if all is okay and maybe then I'll be excited again but till then I just go on. Day by day.

The bankruptcy not only stole my child, my money and my mental state but it also made me lose the excitement I had for the adoption journey. I honestly just want the end to be here. I don't want it to be the end as in no Kaysen, just the end as in we are all home and safe and we can place all this "fun" stuff behind us.

So sorry for the buzz kill of a post today but although it's been a year and we should be celebrating, I am not feeling like celebrating.

OFF IT GOES

I got to go to the bank this afternoon and get my retainer and money out to the new "Imagine Adoption" I made sure to send it express post with a signature requiried to assure it gets to the right place. I remember the last time I sent money to imagine, it was for the dossier to leave for Ethiopia. I remember leaving the bank and post office with a large smile on my face excited for the year to come. Boy, was it different today, no excitement just fear and nervousness.

PLEASE, PLEASE LET IT ALL WORK OUT FOR US ALL

Another Great Women's World Quote

Yesterday was a strange day for me, I left for work in the am. Upon my return I got everything ready to send off the retainer, all that was missing was the cheque...kind of the important part. So off I go to the bank and it's CLOSED (rememberance day) well at that moment my mood completly changed from good to horrible, and ready to cry. Such a large influx of emotions, I understand why we have to do what we have to do but I can't wrap my head around "WHY" this inner pain of wanting to be a mother is sooooo hard to heal. Why the extra steps to get to what we want when so many others don't even have to think about it and bam...they are parents.
Anyways enough self pity this morning. I was reading my weekly dose of Women's World and read this quote this morning, I thought I would share.

"Your dreams are right around the corner! Sure, you've had your share of worries lately. But sooner than you think, they'll be far behind you. And yes, you've faced challenges--but you're meeting them. In fact, nothing can stand in your way for long, because you have what it takes not only to survive, but to thrive! Just keep going. Success is so close!"

What a great encouraging message just when I needed it. So now, today is the day I will get everything sent off.

Remberance Day

Thank you to all the soldiers that have and are currently risking their lives and their normal everyday life to make ours and others better.

Retainer Agreement fears

I received the email from the "New Imagine Adoption" yesterday that included the new retainer fee to work with the new agency and with it came many fears. It's like all the hope i've had for the last few months is dangling on a string. I am trying hard to stay positive but I can't help but wonder what if? What would I do? Starting over is something I can't even imagine right now.
I hope and pray that all or most of the voters will pay the money and send in the agreement by the end of the month. They will let us know after November 30th if we have enough money to keep going. I so hope they give us the opportunity to come up with the missing money if there isn't enough.
Sorry that this is a negative post when i'm trying so hard to be positive but my protective side is taking over and is trying to get prepared.

I ask all out there that voted "YES" to please send in your agreement as soon as possible to allow us to get to the next step.

Hacked

hacked, hack·ing, hacks
v.tr.
1. To cut or chop with repeated and irregular blows: hacked down the saplings.
2. To break up the surface of (soil).
3.
a. Informal To alter (a computer program): hacked her text editor to read HTML.
b. To gain access to (a computer file or network) illegally or without authorization: hacked the firm's personnel database.
4. Slang To cut or mutilate as if by hacking: hacked millions off the budget.
5. Slang To cope with successfully; manage: couldn't hack a second job.


I would first like to start this post by saying Sorry to all out there that received an email from me in the last few days saying I was in the UK, stranded and needed money. I am not in the UK i'm in my basement in good old Northern Ontario and did not send the email. Last week I received an email from Yahoo saying they needed confirmation that I use the account, after questioning it, I said "What harm could it do? " and after a large brain fart I replied to the message. Well the worst that could happen did happen, they took control of my email account, all my messages, contacts everything gone. I can't retrieve them, they are gone. It also took access to all that is associated with my old yahoo account, such as the yahoo group and facebook. Thank god it didn't take this one. I'm surprised as it was with the same email but I'm happy it didn't. So again, i'm really sorry if I worried anyone or made any wonder, but thank you to all who came calling...I now know who to call if I need money...lol

I have created a new facebook account under the name Natalie Beaudry Fournier and I have yet to regain access to the yahoo group, so until then I will depend on all of you for the latest updates.

Hope you all have a good week.

Birthday cake

The more goo the better....yummy!

Every year I get an ice cream cake on my birthday and this year was no different. Chris sang happy birthday for me and here is the cake and all the cards I came home to yesterday. There is also the biggy bank I got from my secret pal with an Ethiopian ribbon. Thank you all so much. xoxoxo

11 months

WOW.....I missed it. Goes to show you how crazy my life has been lately. Definitely doesn't mean I don't think of Kaysen everyday, I guess i'm just not sitting at home counting the days. Next month is the big one...oh have things changed since this time last year

Another year down, how many to go

Today I turn 33. Although I felt like I would be alone, well Chris and I only (sorry I think we are one sometimes) I came home yesterday to a whole lot of love in the mail. Thank you all for making me feel so special and loved. I do wish my family was around but your thoughtfulness was perfect.

To another year, may the next year bring me my son!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leaving on a Jet Plane.....

Off to Toronto I go. Chris and I have been in Thunder Bay since Sunday and today I fly out to Toronto to catch a flight to Nashville and he is driving back home. I will be in Nashville for a week for some training for work. I do hope to get to see some of Nashville as we usually don't really go anywhere during our training. I get back home on Oct 30th and then my bday on the 31st and then back at it on the Nov 2nd, busy, busy, busy.

We did get an update this week from the new agency and it looks like things are moving along right where they should be. Some staff has been hired, the licence application has been sent, and the paperwork has been started. They have also started making plans to travel to Ethiopia and get working on the orphanage relationships that have to be rebuilt. The great news is that the orphanages that weren't getting paid due to the bankruptcy have now been paid and the children are taken care of.

I know I haven't been posting much lately, and it's because I don't have much to say. Life is busy, there is a long wait ahead and it's sometimes easier not to write about it. I have also been staying clear of blogs. Not because I don't care because I do, very much, but again sometimes it's just easier. I hope you all understand.

Congratulations

A dear friend of mine received her referral yesterday and although she has not yet announced it to the world I wanted to express my CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!! You know who you are. Can't wait to meet the new addition and hear more.

Gone far far away

This post is one week over due. Last week was a mixed emotions week for me. The life I have known for 33 yrs was changed forever.

First thing was that my parents left for their long awaiting trip to Arizona.


They have been planning to travel for their retirement for a very long time and after months of renovations, mess, emotions going crazy and all of us being so busy, they were finally able to leave for their first trip. Although they will be greatly missed, I am so happy and excited that they are doing what they said they were going to do and I know they will have a blast. They have already explored Tennessee and should be arriving in Arizona today sometime. I hope to be able to have the same opportunity to travel with Chris someday. I only have one message for them " Have fun, stop worrying about the kids, enjoy your time together. Every minute is precious and should not be taken for granted" We love you lots.

And the next day, my sister and her family moved far, far away to Kamloops BC, 4 days drive, 4 hours difference, far, far away.

Although I know in my heart that its the best thing for them and that they are ok, its so hard to know that I can't get in the car and go see them in 15min. I feel so helpless being so far away, I feel that I can't be there for them when I'm needed and i'm having a hard time adjusting to that. I know they are not my kids and my sister and brother in law are adults but it's hard to let go of the "always there" title when I can't be. We only had 2 weeks to digest the move and next thing you know they were gone. I wish that someday they will be back in our lives on a daily basis but I know that probably won't happen. They will be so missed and its hard to know that Kaysen won't be around to know his aunt/uncle/nieces. I have to keep telling myself this is not about ME and what I feel, it's about them and what best for them. It just doesn't make it easier. However, I do wish them all the luck in the world, I hope they all adjust to there new beginning and that they are all going to be ok. Our lives will not be same without them around but at least they are still around and not gone forever. They are just gone far, far away....

The new agency...

HAS PASSED COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is now official, the new agency will be up and running tomorrow.

We still have some milestones to get through before we are good to go, but one at a time is all we can ask for.

10 Months

What a fitting picture to celebrate the 10th month of waiting for our son to come home and the opening of new doors to our journey.

10 months down, 10 months less to go.

Pics of Owen

Here are a few pics of my nephew Owen he is now just under 4 months old... Yep he's a big boy, but sooooo cute.

My brother Denis with his big boy. Now you see where the eyes come from.

proud mommy (laura) with her BIG boy (he was just 3 mths here)


look at those eyes.... i miss him so much. xoxoox

Just thought of something.....happiness

Yesterday I made the long drive back from Thunder Bay to Sault Ste Marie (8hrs) only to end up in a VERY dumpy hotel, with no internet, and I thought the last one was bad. Needless to say it's my fault for not making prior arrangements. The one great thing about yesterday was the absolutely gorgeous sunset that travelled with me. If anyone out there is looking for a gorgeous scenic drive you must do the drive from Thunder Bay to Sault Ste Marie, it's absolutely gorgeous and I will make sure to have my camera the next time.

All the way back I was being careful not to encounter wildlife and did good, until I reached the hotel and there to greet me in the parking lot was a large moose, again no camera so no pic, but it was great. It actually chased some guy around a tree. Quite entertaining. Anyways, being exhausted I just wanted to get to bed, so I get into this room and check for bugs, I open the curtains, and about 6 large spiders are staring at me, they were on the other side of the glass but still....yuck, after an intense bug check I settled in, above the covers, and feel asleep....zzzzzz for like 10 min. then jumped out of bed...shaking, not knowing where the heck I was and scared to death. Well that describes my every hour for the next 6 hrs evening. So, as soon as it was morning, I got up, dressed and checked out. Being on the road is a blast so far..... lol After driving around for 30min trying to find a place with internet I found a cute coffee shop and have been sitting here for the last few hours....i'm sure they will be kicking me out very soon. They will think I'm homeless or something...lol

Anyways, to get to what this post is actually about, as i'm sitting here trying to wake up I realized that I am now free to think about Kaysen (not that I ever stopped) to speak about him and his coming home someday and even more importantly I can start retail therapy again....yeahhhhhhhhhhhh. I will have to go through all is stuff to see what I have but at least I can look again, even if I don't buy as i'm sure Chris will tell me "he has enough". It will just feel good to be able to look again.

As I was driving yesterday I realized i'm finally happy again, it's been months since I could say that I was actually happy. All I wanted to do was be happy enough to be able to dance freely again (by myself as I look rediculous) but once I get home I will definitely get the dogs together and have a dance..................thank god for the great inside feeling again.

Okay, enough babbling.....you know what, it also feels great to blog again....

Lonely

Wow, 2 posts in one day.

Although we had GREAT news this week, we also got sad news. My sister and her family will be moving in 2 weeks to Kamloops BC, they are currently 15 min away and will now be 4 days away. I try not to think of it to much, which is why this will be a short post. But they will be missed. They were always there and now they won't be. On top of that, my parents are leaving for 2 months to go to Arizona, as they are retired now and want to travel, so I will go from having all my family around to Chris and I. Thank god, my brother and his family will still be close by. I miss my nephew so much and I've only known him for a few months, I can't imagine how much I will miss my family.

I love you all very much, be careful, and don't forget how to use a phone....

GREAT NEWS

I'm a few days late with this news but only because i've been on the road and super busy. I also didn't really know how to feel or what to write. So as i'm sitting here in a very dumpy hotel in Thunder Bay 13 hrs away from home and waiting for my next appointment I figured I would give it a shot.

THE ADOPTION IS BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well that wasn't so hard...lol

My son, my dear son will eventually be home. We will have to wait a little longer, and we will have to financially invest a little more but who cares, my son will be home. A month ago, I had no confidence in the plan, not because I didn't want to believe but because my heart wouldn't allow me to believe. But my dear, sweet, amazing, husband never stopped, he has always stayed positive and kept sending me his positive energy and I thank him for that. I never knew our love could grow stronger but it did, he his my soul mate, my other half and without him I would not have gotten through it. Thank you for loving me and supporting me through good times and bad. I cannot imagine my life without you. xoxoxo

I am still scared to say he WILL come home as it was so hard to deal with thinking that he may not, but I will say it, HE WILL COME HOME and I WILL BELIEVE IT.

We have all been through a rough few months, and we all became bonded for life after this experience, but I want to thank you all, my adoptive families, for your amazing support. Even those that are not with IA but always there to try and help. I also appreciate the space everyone gave us to allow us to deal with this in our own way without pushing us to feel things we may not have been ready for.

My family, here at home, has been so supportive throughout all this, and I tend to forget that this was painful for them as well. I apologize for that. Without you to provide that shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen and sometimes that silent hug to let me cry, it would have been way more difficult. I thank you for that. You were able to be strong for Chris and I although you were hurting as well and you always remained positive in front of us. You were always there to go into Kaysens room for me when I couldn't and I never even thought of how hard it must be for you to go into his room, I just knew I couldn't do it. The words "Thank you" are definitely not enough to express the gratitude, so I vow to keep showing you everyday how appreciated you and what you did are.

I love you all very much, and thank you all very much.

oh yeah, one more thing,

KAYSEN WILL COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big day has come and gone

Well friday we received the proposal and all was well, should 51% of creditors vote yes by the end of the month the possibility of a restructure is very very good. We would be so blessed to have such a great thing come out of something so very bad. So the weekend was good and positive, but then, just when you think it will all be ok. Whammmmmm, down again, it looks like referrals for IA will not begin until April 2010, and will be on a schedule of 5 referrals for the first 6mths, 10 referrals a month for the 6 mths after (Oct 2010-Apr2011) and 15 per month for the remaining months. SOOOOOOO now again, i'm down. Don't get me wrong, I did say I would wait years and years as long as it was a sure thing and Kaysen would someday be home, but now that reality hit and it may be late 2010 early 2011 before we get him it's hard to swallow. I'm still thankful for the proposal, i'm just dealing with alot of guilt. Why did this have to happen? Why can't I be okay and not have to put my family through this? Why do I have to be almost 36 to be a mother? Why can't I just shut this off for a few years and turn it back on when needed? and the why's go on and on and on, and none of them have answers.

i know I can't control what has happened to us, and why i can't have bio children but it's just hard to understand. I wouldn't trade the opportunity to have Kaysen, I just want answers. I'm also struggling with knowing that Kaysen will more than likely be the only child for us, unless we get some miracle. I'm troubled that we are in a position of no choices, seeing as we are so emotionally and financially invested there is no other way or option.

I remember seeing other blogs with 23 months waiting for a referral and thought, OH MY GOD how do they do it? Well I guess we will find out. We have been waiting almost 6 yrs to start a family and we will be waiting some more..... I just wish it would end sooner. :(

Tomorrow is the big day....

It's been confirmed by the FIA commitee that tomorrow is the day we will all be presented with the restructuring plan for Imagine. I can't even begin to think of what it will say but I can only hope for great stuff that we all agree on. According to previous news, we will have approx. 30 days to review and make a decision. I'm sure we will all have our decision made by tomorrow evening or within a week at least, so i'm hoping that it won't take another month, but whatevere it takes to get closer to Kaysen we will do.

I wish luck and happiness to all involved. This has been a rough few months but we made it this far, another small step won't keep us down.

More news to come....

One more week....

According to BDO we have approx. one more week to wait for the restructuring plan....here's hoping for a good ending to the week with good news.

I have also purchased a WII fit and WII active today so here's hoping I can stick to it... no wait I will stick to it and lose the wait I need to lose before my son comes home.

Have a great week everyone,

Nine Months

2 days ago we reached the nine month waiting mark. Last months 8 mth mark I wasn't posting but with all the great things happening these days, this is a month I want to celebrate.

Here's hoping there won't be many months of waiting left.

Great news

Now if I understand this correctly we will all be presented with a restructing plan in the week to come, at which point we will review and vote on. Once a vote has been done and all agree with the plan, the plan will then be presented to the Ministry/Courts for approval and we can then all concentrate on bringing our son home.

This is great news as I felt it was going to be a yes or no update next week, that they were going to tell us yes we can work on a plan or no we can't make it happen, but I was mistaken, the have been working on the actual plan and they actually have something in place to propose to all of us, i'm so excited and feel that this is such a large step. Don't get me wrong i'm still worried, but as I told Chris today, i'll probably be worried until the day we get home with Kaysen, however, I feel confident that this will all work itself out one step at a time. To see all the amazing events that have happened since the bankruptcy please visit, http://unitedfamiliesofimagine.blogspot.com/

I will update as I know more. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, please keep them coming as so far they are doing a wonderful job.

Bankruptcy Video

SCARED

I'm sure i'm not the only one feeling scared right now and I don't necessarily feel like posting about it, but I do want my feelings of the journey in this blog so here it is.

I'm so scared for the next two weeks to come along. I'm hoping more than anything that things go our way and that our adoption continues, but everyday the ball of yuck in my stomach is getting bigger and bigger and I just want to throw up. I'm so scared that it won't be what we want and hope for. What happens then? I know, I know, i'm suppose to stay positive, but it's normal human motherly nature to think "What if", what will I do? How will I cope? Will that be it? Do we start over? Do we go another direction? I don't want to have to answer any of these questions, I just want my son, is that too much to ask?

The closer we get to an answer the farther I want to be. It's like I wish I had another few months to process the "What if?" but yet I want a few weeks to go by incase it is good news. My mind is so confused right now.

As mentioned in my last post, I've been really busy which is great but everyday it's a struggle to get up and work and stay busy, when what I really want to do is just lay in bed and hug my Kaysen bear (which I haven't slept without since).

I know I will get through the next few weeks and I know we will figure it out at that time as to what to do next but I just don't want to deal with it.....

Work, work, work

I know i'm not posting much lately but it's not because I don't want to, it's that I can't find the time. I've been going hard with the new job and love being as busy as I am. The best part of it all is how fast the time is going. Already two weeks have gone by and we only have another two weeks for the restructing plan to be completed. As of the meeting the Trustees/Inspectors for BDO Dunwoody had today they are still on track to present a plan to the courts/government by the end of the month. We been in this for 1 1/2 years whats another 2 weeks to find out what's next.

Hope is definitely keeping me going from day to day and I still can't even imagine what I'll do if things don't go as planned but that is not what we are living with right now. Chris is doing ok as well, he is such a strong man and without him this would have been unbearable. He is my rock and I thank God every day for him. We both want to be parents more than anything in the world and often wonder why this is all happening to us, why can't we be lucky and have the easy road of others but everybody has their own story as to how their family became whole, ours will just be a heck of lot longer to tell.

Anyways, thank you all so much for the support and encouragement. We really appreciate it all.

PS. I would like to congratulate Rana and Yvan on the referral of their son, Ade, you were so strong through your wait and to see you so happy is such a great thing to see. I can't wait to see what the little guy looks like.

Our Journey Continues...

After a few weeks of sitting around trying to figure out what our next move is, as well as how to deal with this awful situation, I have decided to come back and keep our journey going. There have been meetings in the last week that have given us all hope and within the next month we will know what is to happen. We have not given up on Kaysen at all and feel that our journey to him is still going. Until we hear differently this blog will keep documenting our everyday lives, good times and bad times. As mentioned before, this blog has always been written with Kaysen in mind, therefore although we are going through some rough roads in our journey they will be documented in a way that when Kaysen reads it later on in his life he will get to see how strong we all were, working together to get him home. Although at times I have felt like it was over, Chris has never doubted the end and that is why we are stronger today. Our son is waiting for us, it may be a little tougher to get to him but we will someday, somehow and we keep wondering "why" but I think once we finally get to bring him home we will all understand why and appreciate him all the more.

Thank you all for your support over the last few weeks.

Here's to the light that is still bright at the end of the road....!!!!!!

One last thing.

I must try all I can, and I ask you to please do all you can, please sign the petition below, and once you have signed it, please send it to your friends and family. I thank you all for your support and can't give up on continuing my journey to Kaysen.

Please note: after you sign it will take you to donation page, you simply skip the donation or x out, no money is needed.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SaveOurDreamofAdoptingInternatio/index.html


Our article of awareness in the Sudbury Star,

http://www.thesudburystar.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1658769

http://www.thesudburystar.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=1658769

Letter to my son.

I really don't have much reason to write this post as everyone out there knows that our agency filed for bankrupcy and closed it's doors on Monday July 13th 2009, however this blog was created for my son and for him I am writing this post today. I am not sure where this journey will go, however I feel in my heart that my son is still waiting for me out there somewhere in Ethiopia. Why not start over you may ask? Because my son, Kaysen, is in Ethiopia, he is no where else other than my heart and I can only hope and pray that someday, some how he will be in my arms but if that doesn't happen I must face it and move on....somehow. I know I shouldn't give up and part of me is still fighting strong, but the other half needs to write this letter.

My dearest Kaysen,
I am so sorry that we were not able to meet, that your daddy and I were not able to bring you home and give you the life you deserve. Although I will never have a face to attach to the bond in my heart, please now that we love you so much. We are struggling to keep hope and keep faith but it's hard. Our hearts are broken and we are not sure how to let go. Part of us will never let you go and hopefully some miracle will happen and we will be together some day. I have been dreaming of you for the last year and half, you are what kept me going from day to day, dreaming of someday being a mom. I don't understand why this is happening to us and more importantly to you. We have always believed you were meant to be ours and Iwant you to know that in our hearts you will always be ours. No other child will replace you as you were meant for us. I can only hope that you do get a nice home and family to love you as much as we do and that you will grow to be someone special. My dreams of becoming a mother have been left in Ethiopia with you, and if you are out there, and are meant to come home to us, please be strong and know that we are doing everything we can to get you. You are a very large part of my life and although some may not understand as they feel I have not seen you yet, you are my son, and I will always tell people the story of my son. I am trying to stay strong and I can assure you that part of me will never let you go. I dont want to give up, but I just want the pain to go away, i have pain in my heart since this journey began, longing to have you home and i'm just so tired of the pain. I promise you that I will keep praying and keep faith that we will be together someday but please, please know that we love you so much and will never be whole without you in our lives.

Love your mommy and daddy. xoxoxox


PLEASE NOTE: I will not be posting anything for awhile as this journey was for Kaysen, should the circumstances change and our journey get back on track so will this blog. I thank you all for your support and do hope with all my heart to be posting again soon. My thoughts and prayers are with all the families out there that are affected. May you find your way to your children as I hope to somehow find my way as well.

Please pray for us

As many of you know, we found out yesterday that our adoption agency as gone bankrupt and the adoption process has stopped. I'm not in any situation to explain in detail at the moment so if you want details please follow the link below, but i'm writing to simply as that you all pray for Chris and I, as that is all I can hope for right now.
Thank you

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/adoption-agencys-bankruptcy-devastates-families/article1217223/

Dallas trip so far.

I arrived yesterday and got to meet the crew, they are all super nice and welcoming. Almost like a family feel, it's great. Althought i've had a few to many mojitos

but I have met some amazing people. I think this position is great for me and it will only get better.

Have a great week everyone.

Off to Dallas

Tomorrow I will be heading towards to Toronto and flying out to Dallas TX on Tuesday morning, I will be in Dallas for the week for a Summer Sales Meeting with my new company and then a Sales Academy for a few days. I'll be returning on the 14th and then off again on the 18th to Florida. I hope to get to see some of the city while i'm there as I hear I'll be pretty busy most of the time with meetings. I'll take pics of what I can and will post when I can. I hope you all have a great 2 1/2 weeks. I hope to hear of more referrals and Visas/travel while i'm away.

Dallas Skyline

Adoptive Mothers

I was cleaning my office today and came across this great piece , so I thought I would share with you all.

Adoptive Mothers

Being an adoptiove mother is not for every woman. She must possess not only the natural mother instrinct but an understanding and appreciation of the situation that brought a child into her amrs making her a mother. The adoptive family comes to be by choices made, choices made by the first parents and by the adoptive parents. The bond the adoptive mother has with her child grows over time, just like the child grew within his first mother's womb.

Day by day, touch by touch, with each tear, kiss and memory made they become a family. Adoptive mothers have that special knack to let love grow.

Adoptive mothers know that they are a mender of wounds, not just of the physical skinned knees with a band-aid and a kiss, but of the heart as well. They give love, acceptance, and permission to ask and talk to their child about the day they were born and of their first family.

Adoptive motehrs are embracers, not only of the child with many hugs and kisses, but of the child's heritage and history. They embrace the facts of their child's past with strength for themselves and their child. They are not only memory makers planning family vacations, activities and birthday parties, but are also memory keepers.

They are a tier of shoelaces and hearts. They weave lives together into a tapestry of a new family, with many different brightly colored threards showcasing their individualities and family orgins. Together they create one unit attached to each other.

Adoptive mothers are experts at finding lost objects, but understand and validate the profound deep loss left by adoption. They allow the tears to fall and grief to be felt, allowing the mounrning of the family that is no longer there. They are secure in knowing that they are not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer.

This role is not for the weak spirit, or the easily wounded. Loving a child not born to her but calling him her own, as this is what she does, it is her calling....She is a MOTHER.

Michael Jackson----RIP

(August 29 1958 - June 25th 2009)

On June 25th 2009 a music icon passed away. Although Michael has made some bad choices in his life and has been accused of horrible horrible acts, he must also be remember for the music Icon he was. There has never been another Michael Jackson and there never will be. His infulence on music, generation after generation is something only someone with a true gift can provide. Unfortunately with the gain of fame came a loss of oneself. I feel for his children and hope they will be treated as individuals in the years to come. No doubt that he became strange as the years went on, but the music and gift was and will always be there.

RIP Michael, you will always be remembered.

7 Months....

Wow, 7 months, I remember being at 1 week and wishing I was at 6-7 months and here I am. When I started waiting I was suppose to be getting a referral around 8-9 months but now it looks like it will be closer to 12 months before we get a referral, so 7 months is only an another month, although it's another month come and gone it's still only another month. I'm still in a great place with the adoption but find myself struggling when I'm with my new nephew Owen. I love him like crazy but he brings up alot of emotions that I thought I had over come. He will help me get stronger as the months go by and I just have to keep telling my self that my time will come.... some day.

Here are a few pics from my last visit.

Baby Owen sleeping.

Matante Nat and Baby Owen resting.

Here I am with Maddux, relaxing on a great summer deck

Girls Weekend with Stephanie

This past weekend I went to Toronto to meet up with my friend Steph, a friend I met on this wonderful journey and I have I now have for life. Although this is one of the hardest things I've been through in my life meeting friends like Steph and many others have made it special. It was so nice to meet someone and be able to just be ourselves right from the start, as if we have known each other our whole lives. Thank you Steph for a great weekend and for being such a great and dear friend. Love ya.

Here we are just leaving to go shopping. Getting ready to leave for dinner, it was Steph's birthday. We went to the Mandorin it was yummmmmy. Steph, disappointed that she didn't get her birthday cake and song....

Steph, two seconds later, with her birthday cake, however they did miss the song.

Here we are shopping for a stuffy that match for our future children, they are great as we can now name a star after them.

We did ALOT of shopping, had some great food went to a movie and just had lots of laughter, fun and chatting. Something we must do again soon.

Introducing Owen Lucas Beaudry

Last Saturday, June 6th 2009 at 12:54pm my nephew Owen Lucas Beaudry was born weighing 7.12 lbs measuring 51 cm. He has redish hair and so far big blue eyes. My sister and I drove down and got to see him when he was about 5 hrs old. He is super cute and although it was a very hard day emotionally and I wanted my son more than anything, I have gotten through it and now miss Owen every day. I can't wait to see him again next weekend. Here are some pics of the little one. Enjoy.

Ren and I leaving to go see him.

Matante Renee holding Owen for the first time.

Matante Nat holding baby Owen for the first time. His eyes were open the whole day that day.

The happy family. My brother Denis and sister in law Laura. Congrats to you both and thank you for the nephew.

Proud Memere holding Owen, look how small he is.

Proud Pepere holding Owen and wearing his Grandpa hat and tshirt. He is so cute.

Our first sight of Owen.

3 generations of Beaudry men. Owen will be the first Beaudry of this generation to carry on the Beaudry name. Look how proud my dad looks. I just love it.

This is Owen the second day, all he did was sleep, it was to exciting for him on the first day.

The siblings with baby Owen. (sorry for cutting off part of your head Den)

May 31st 2009 "SNOW DAY"

i'm a little behind on my posts so here is a quick update of life this past month.
On May 31st we woke up to snow....YEP I SAID SNOW, big fluffy snow. Here are some pics.

Maddux in his glory, he rolled and rolled and rolled.

View from the back fence. (that is my new deck you are seeing as well)

View from patio doors. It was depressing but was all gone by mid morning.